The Daily Citizen - a many people post newspaper

[Jintor]

Health and Science: How to treat electric burns

Good afternoon, everyvan! I have heard zat za most common form of injury in City 17 iz ze electric burn, usually caused by ze common rebel. zis is unacceptable, and can be treated quite easily. Take:

1 spoonfull of barnacle blood
4 lbs of headcrab
2 front claws of vortigaunt
1 drop of human blood (preferably fresh)

and mix zem all up in a big container. Absolodoodle! And zen abandon all hope ye who enter... uh... no. Zat is absolodutely wrong. You must zen splash it onto ze wound, ignoring the burning sensation, and if you haf got it right then you shall have no flesh on that area of you skin. voila! The electric burn ist cured!

Next issue: How to attach peglegs to your feet and lasers to your eyes!

(If you want previous issues of Health and Science, icluding the collector's edition of "How to remove your brain and maintain the body", please write the The Daily Citizen, City 17, Horse Square. Include money. Lots of it.)

 

[15357]

Rofl>>

 

[Agent G-Man]

Review of being a Stalker by a Stalker

"..........................................................................................................................................................

 

[15357]

Review of being a Stalker by a Stalker

"..........................................................................................................................................................

Accesing TDC network...
...
...
...

Accesed.

Accesing Subject Agent G-Man...
...
...
Accesed.

Terminate Subject #1548300? (y/n)

 

[AJ Rimmer]

Dear Citizens. It would appear that yesterday's little april fools yoke we placed in the paper has backlashed somewhat, just to set things clear, there has not been a world-wide uprising, and Dr Breen has not been captured and handed to the leaders of the universal union in three seperate packages. Consequentely we would like it if whoever put it there to begin with would kindly remove the twelve feet high machine gun tower from infront of the DC plaza, you're blocking four car parking spaces. While we're on the subject, Jintor, your Opel has the lights on again.

 

[Jintor]

Damn Opel. I've tried to turn it off again and again, but does it listen? No! IT must be the Vortigaunt manufacturing, stupid bad jobs they do.

Oh, and Ed? Your presonal helicoptor is blocking the exit..

 

[Agent G-Man]

What is the cause for my termination?

 

[15357]

What is the cause for my termination?

i didn't...


yet


(y/n)?



*puts parking ticket on Ed's helicopter*

 

[15357]

also,

*calls CPs to move machine gun nest*

*Calls army of angry lawyers and sues vortiguants*



now,now people, this has all been payed at my expense, so thank me!

 

[AJ Rimmer]

Miss Stalker Pageant Winner Announced!
The new Miss Stalker, Rosetta Lundberg was announced by citadel officials today as the winner! She was supposedly elected because of her beatiful eye shafts, her rich and full moustache and her ability to maintain her balance while standing still, a quality which was sadly lacking among the competition.
"It was a tough call, but Miss Lundberg truly deserves this", said Citadel Council for Cosmetics Official #33982 today before the ceremony of the crowning by our very own administrator, Dr Breen.
When our reporter was sent out to have an interview with Miss Lundberg, she said; "Glumbuguhuhuhuhuhuhu... Gahhaaaaaa! Gooooooooooooo-ga!", then she slobbered hideously over herself, tumbled backwards, and spent the rest of the inverview wallowing around in her own mucus.
Congratulations to you Miss Lundberg, and good luck in the regional competitions!

/AJ Rimmer, Daily Citizen

 

[Jintor]

Confidence in Rebel Sharetrading falls, Could this be a new low to sink to?

In today's news: The Heretical Experimental Market(THEM), funded by the Rebels, fell nearly 1,000,000,000,000,000 points yesterday after a statement from Universal Union Studios (US), to the effect that job hiring proceedures had been slightly relaxed, and that they would torch all other companies. Job hiring proceedures have fallen to the point where almost anybody with no brain, peglegs and lasers for eyes can join, and torchings have progressed to the point where, in fact, our own would-be rival, the 'Headcrab Times' (title page: FOOD EVERYWHERE, CRABS OF THE WORLD UNITE) is currently being torched and its occupants hearded into little rockets.

Current Share Prices:
THEM = -100,000,000,000,000,000,000CC (-1,000,000,000,000,000CC)
US = 99,44,352.32CC (^ 2645CC)

More job layoffs as they happen.

 

[Edcrab]

This Journalist Declined

This is an automated announcement.

Subject: "Edcrab".

Application Declined.

Subject failed to utilise forums in achievement of goal.

More accurately, subject failed to attend appointment while decent, and his application form had some sort of adhesive on it.

Subject arrived half naked and starting singing the Croatian national anthem.

Subject has greatly disturbed this automated system.

Automated system would like the subject to be loaded onto the helicopter and taken away.

Please.




________________________________________________________

THE FOLLOWING IS A NOTE BY THE SUBJECT REFERRED TO ABOVE:
________________________________________________________

Well, I'm back team! I thought for a while I was going to get promoted, but due to a few small setbacks I'm back spreading propaganda with the best of them. I mean the truth, for monetary gain. I mean, for monumental fame. As, uh, a truth-spreader. Yes. That'll do.

 

[15357]

Notice

Due to studying, (yes i know, but i'm taking a 3min break) the Editor (me) will not be here for a month. so elect a temporaly one.

Ok?

 

[Jintor]

Status: Waiting

Election, activate (y/n)?

>y

Election activated.

Election for? (hiring, promotion, firing)

>promotion

Candidates? (Please post below)

 

[Nemesis6]

Rebel terrorists attack Combine offices

Yesterday at 3 PM, the Combine post office of City 13 was attacked by a mob. Beforementioned threw rocks and suspected random debris on the street. "This attack might be rebel motivated," said a Combine representative. "These things have happened before. The likely motive for these attacks is that the glorious Combine saviours employs local Citizens to work in some Combine institutions".

If anyone has any info about this rebel terrorist activity, please contact your local Combine representative. Remember, the Combine are your friends and you will be dearly rewarded.

 

[Jintor]

Monkeys Monkey around in City 17!


Jintor says: I'm tired as monkeys bounce around behind him, whacking citizens and combine alike with batons, and bits of razor wire. "this shocking attack of no relevance whatsover is Filthy and DISGUSTING" says Jintor, waving off a monkey trying to force a banana into (CENSORED).

More as it happens.

 

[Joe Nomalos]

The Red Eyes Strike Back
Dozens died last week in a Vortigaunt uprising which took place directly in the heart of City 03. Witnesses say they first believed the attack was just a power outage until their own appliances started attacking them and firing deadly bolts of green electricty.
The uprising lasted a good six hours until Chancellor Breen declared Combine Law and dispatched over two hundred elite combine soldiers into the city.
One surrendered vortigaunt declared as he was taken away:
"It is only the beginning. The G-Man cometh and the Free Man calls."
Chancellor Breen says the Combine Directors are not in the least worried.

 

[P.B.Iman]

Combine to increase Lemon ration!

P.B.Iman with full story.

It was announced yesterday that the Combine would be increasing the daily lemon ration to 1/8th rather than 1/16. here follows a full transcript of the commitee meeting,

+++ data transcript confirm +++

Good morning Mr ----------

Hello, item one on the agenda today is the lemon ration, ---- --- ----, ------, ---- --- ---- --- -- -------- -- -- ---- ------?

Eat them?

---- ---.

Fine, no need to be rude.

Aw hell, make the ---- -------- --- ---- --- ---, -- --- ------ --- -------- ---- ------- ----.

Very good.

+++ transcript ends +++

As you can see a productive meeting, the author is sure (something) good will come of it.

 

[Edcrab]

Ah, lemon. The food of... well. Not gods or demigods or even semigods, but vaguely holy humanoid things anyway.


Freeman popularity down?

As it emerged that the Citadel won't be exploding and engulfing City 17 in a ball of searing flame (at least this week), it also came about that Gordon Freeman- evil thorn in the side of the beneficent Universal Union- is less popular.

"It's strange," said CP #5647, taking a well-earned break from his citizen-beatings, "first people are worshipping the ground he walks on- even though I've never even seen his feet, don't see what's so holy about 'em- and now they seem to hate him."

Some prominent figures in City 17, who previously praised the Evil Freeman after malicious misguidance on the part of the "Resistance", are practically praying for his absence. Apparently, they don't want him returning to the City so soon, or at all.

The Happy and Nice Union wholeheartedly support these citizens, who are clearly far more aware of the facts.

In other news, a demonstration took place on Centre Street (A1). The Civil Protection forces saw no need to end it, as they were demanding the elimination of an entity called "Adrian Shephard", and they had no idea whether or not this meant they were pro or anti-Union.

 

[15357]

Editor is mad

post or youre all fired!!!

plz?

 

[Jintor]

Omg The Editor Is Back!

The editor of this fine, fine publication has returned from his 3 months in solitary confinement 3 month holiday and is now trying to find out who betrayed him to the Combine whack journalists who are not sending in reports, due to them being on holiday. Because the editor was on holiday. Yeah.

*quickly, everyone, poest, before he gets mad!*

 

[AJ Rimmer]

Slow news day causes threats of mass firings

The slow flow of news coming to the DC today has caused several rumours of downsizing in the concern.

 

[15357]

Slow news day causes threats of mass firings

The slow flow of news coming to the DC today has caused several rumours of downsizing in the concern.

you mean month.

 

[Joe Nomalos]

Newspapers Illegal
As of two days ago the Combine declared newspapers illegal and stated such literature as The Daily Citizen, City 17 Times, and The You-Better-Not-Inquirer would have to stop all presses until further notice.
As of yesterday The Daily Citizen moved all presses into a secret location and began printing illegally.
To cum it all up: The Daily Citizen rocks! The Combine sucks![/B]

 

[AJ Rimmer]

Newspapers Illegal
As of two days ago the Combine declared newspapers illegal and stated such literature as The Daily Citizen, City 17 Times, and The You-Better-Not-Inquirer would have to stop all presses until further notice.
As of yesterday The Daily Citizen moved all presses into a secret location and began printing illegally.
To cum it all up: The Daily Citizen rocks! The Combine sucks![/B]

Cum it all up?

 

[Edcrab]

This just in- this reporter is currently applying for memory-erasure and a better life in the upper echelon of the Civil Protection.

That's because Nomalos and Rimmer between them have managed to gross me out enormously and I really have to get rid of a mental image.

 

[AJ Rimmer]

This just in- this reporter is currently applying for memory-erasure and a better life in the upper echelon of the Civil Protection.

That's because Nomalos and Rimmer between them have managed to gross me out enormously and I really have to get rid of a mental image.

Internal Memo
To: 15357
From: Rimmer
Subject: Success.

Sir, phase one of Operation Disgust Edcrab And Terminate Him has been a complete success. Contuining on with Operation D.E.A.T.H.

 

[Edcrab]

Internal Memo
To: Rimmer, Jintor, 15357
From: Overwatch Master Network
Subject: -= URGENT ATTENTION REQUIRED =-

We regret to announce that Applicant 4345-A/12Z, aka "Edcrab", has been temporarily lost in the Overwatch Mind Bucket System (TM). We successfully removed the nicer parts of his personality- which conveniently took up a mere 62kb- and the majority of his memories, but the replacement pack- intended to be "Super-Opressive Hardass Fascist Enforcer"- was accidently misplaced, resulting in the installation of an incorrect personality file.

Once we manage to restore the applicant's base mentality and get our copy of "Happy Hamster" back, we shall let you know.

We apologise in advance for his behaviour, because he currently thinks that he is a member of the Hamtaro cast.

 

[15357]

Internal Memo
To: Rimmer, Jintor, Edcrab
From: 15357
Subject: URGENT

Continue along with O-059 and C-78 procedures. Do not attempt to override 2-12.

Rimmer & Jintor, hit edcrab on head.

 

[15357]

Emergency Broadcast System

WARNING: All citizens stay indoors! there is a giant robot flattening everything and making hamster noises! Failure to comply can result in untimely death!

 

[Fleabaine]

That's real cute 15357, real cute.

 

[Marx! II]

Being a stalker sucks ass.

By synth varient 636697b.

So I'm walking down the third lateral corridor across floor 63, and I use the word 'walking' very loosely, these peg things have all the balance of an eppileptic old lady. With no legs. But other than that things are going well. Spot welding a couple of gunships, minor stuff really. The guards didn't even knock me down for fun. Not even that one by skybridge D, the spiteful jackass.

Anyway I'm shambling down the corridor and the telecaster to my right lights up. At first I'm thinking "Great, more of Breen and his bullshit about instinct and 'the dangers of magical thinking'". Thanks man, your techno-paradise sure worked wonders for me. Good thing I've had my imagination dumbed down so I can concentrate on what a ball I'm having shuffling around this megaplex with no organs. Ass. So I'm expecting to hear Breen go on and instead it's this rebel kid. They found some kind of relay station and they start going on about this free dude and how he's the savior and will help them cast off the shackles of the Combine bourgeoisie. Can you believe it? The kid actually said bourgeoisie. Nice one professor, I'll bet your buddies really love having some pretentious dick hogging the camera and using words he ripped out of the Administrator's thesaurus.

And I figure this'll be fun, since no one hijacks the Citidel signal and gets away with it. So I turn to get a better look at this guy (and that's no small task, I'd like to see you get a decent look at anything with this retarded astronaut mask clamped to your face), and I look and I see it's my little brother. This little fella I spent the better part of nine years taking care of, nine years I could have spent getting some while I still had the chance (Not happening anymore, with this total non-organs thing. Thanks Combine!) and here he is making an ass of himself on the telecast. He even goes on to say he's doing it "for his brave older bro who got made into a stalker". That boy's lucky no one can recognize me with the quadriplegic sputnik thing going on. And right about then it hits me. Being a stalker is the worst thing ever. Seriously. Name a worse thing.

I mean, I thought it was going to be good times, blowing things up with my friends, you get to steal things, shoot up CP, I mean you can't lose right?
Wrong. You lose like you've never lost before once your jackass squadmate decides he can cover that hallway real good with one of those crappy standard issue 'pistols'. Those have a what, a five foot spread at ten feet? You couldn't hold off me with one of those, and I've now got a top running speed of 1/8th of a yard per minute. Seriously. All the stopping power of a bee sting and he thinks he's bloody Rambo... Rambo? From that movie, before the Combine. It's where they take pictures and, you know what, never mind. Being a stalker sucks and the rebellion is bullshit.

I figured I was just gonna be made into a soldier, get some decent standard issue guns, still blowing things up I figure. Nope. Not happening. I got plenty of standard issue saline liquid, it's all that's keeping me alive. Good thing too, I wouldn't want to miss the magic of fixing up gunships for eighteen hours a day. Seriously, who dreamed up that gem design? A flying helicoptor bug? Genius. Seriously, just get some regular helicoptors, stop acting like you're above it all. They won't even let me work on those green tank deals up top, those things are total badass. But no, it's helo-bugs for me, until they decide to cut the saline flow and burn me. Like the ten thousand others they tie up and fry. What is up with that? Can't they just shoot me and toss me over? God knows how and why Breen gets off on having so many burned corpses down the sewers, I hate my job.

 

[15357]

That's real cute 15357, real cute.

Internal Memo
to: all employees
from: editor

What does Fleabaine mean?

and, that report on being a stalker was way, way long. get some space between lines plz.

 

[Edcrab]

Cute? It was a report on my- SQUEAK- condition, and there's nothing cute about- SQUEAK -it.

Urrgh, must control... impulses... SQUEAK! MUST HAVE SUNFLOWER SEEDS!!

...excuse me. SQUEAK! My report on the plight of the Endangered Ichthyosaurs may be a bit delayed- SQUEAK! STOMP SQUEAK STOMP SQUEAK!

 

[Jintor]

Massive Confusion on Reporter's part

Reporting LIVE from the DC Headquaters:

Our Headquaters are in Chaos, as rabid reporters and deranged editors alike run around bopping each other on the head. The newspaper ban by the Combine a few posts ago has apparently had little to no effect, as the only newspaper as yet shut down forcibly by the Combine has been the Headcrab Brainreader. A mis-print by the Daily Citizen has enraged the editor and prompted mind destructions on a global scale.

Internal Memo's, leaked to the DC, have been completely confusing and strange, advising of such weird behaviours as 'O-059 and C-78' and unknowable and alien messages from Fleabaine (coded, it reads 'Real Cute') have added to this confusion. In fact, the only peice of work that was actually created yesterday was in fact sent in by a member of the public (admittedly that part of the public without organs, but that is a minor matter and in any case the DC does not engage in organism.)

All your sunflower seeds are belong to us, Edcrab. Yes us. It's your pay packet, you know?

 

[15357]

Man Seriously wounds Reporter!

Today, a man jumped into the DC HQ crying:

"Praise Allah!"

he shot mr.rimmer 9 times in the stomach and jintor 1 time into the groin.

Luckily, edcrab was only shot on the butt.

mr.rimmer is in stable condition and is expected to come to work tommorow.

but, jintor is in critical condition.

-----------------------------------------------------

Internal Memo
to: AJ Rimmer
from: 15357
Subject: C-78

Operation D.E.A.T.H. was completly unsatisfactory. Primary target "edcrab" failed to be terminated.

Expect to be court martialed upon return.

 

[P.B.Iman]

Random shootings!

And more random shootings!

Although all hell seems to be breaking loose at the DC offices recently, its been pretty quiet around City 17, apart from the problems surrounding the 'free man'.

As ever the CP's are fulfilling their public beating quota on a regular basis and everyone gets along just fine!

On a different note the amount of random shootings has gone up by around 11%, but don't worry citizens - they deserved it!

(note - "the author does not condone these acts of random violence" - click, click - "no, please, leave my brains inside my head")

- Civil Protection Directorate #335459 -

- personage #4463242 aka P.B.Iman is to be congratulated on his ... cooperation ... with our public image drive .

 

[AJ Rimmer]

Wounded Reporter Rimmer passes away in hospital. Expected to Return to work soon.

Mr Arnold J. Rimmer, reporter at the Daily Citizen who was wounded in today's random shootings at the DC offices, will be returning to his job much earlier than expected.
When asked why his doctor had this to say;
"There were... complications."
"What kind of complications?"
"Well, see the bullets in Mr Rimmer's body had perforated many internal organs which caused internal bleedings which led to a rather severe case of... death."
"Thankyou."

Mr Rimmer will be returning to work sometime this morning, his funeral is in two days, he hopes everyone from the offices will be there to celebrate his death. He says his biggest concern about being dead is people laughing at his 'H'. We say good luck to Mr Rimmer and hopes his adjustment to being dead will go as smoothly as possible.

-Daily citizen

 

[15357]

Internal Memo
to: AJ Rimmer
from: 15357
Subject: C-78

don't think that you can get away with mission failure, rimmer.

court marshal is in 3 days.

-----------------------------------------------------

Public Service Announcement


It is now illegal to walk around wearing a turban and holding a smg.

 

[AJ Rimmer]

Internal memo.
To: 15357
From: AJ Rimmer
Subject: Don't mess with me.

As being dead, I am automatically set free of all previous legal binds as per combine corpses code 117-8. And if you keep hacking me I'll report your ass to the Society for Terminated Individuals Fairness Federation. And trust me, you don't want a S.T.I.F.F. chasing you!