The Daily Citizen - a many people post newspaper

[Darkwolf]

Suspected Hostage Situation... again...

City-17 News Update

Breaking news from the front! It is suspected there is another hostage situation at the DC headquaters. It was decided that ending it would be to hard.

In other news City-17 CP, I.M.Phat, as started on his attempt to beat the universal record (2398 by Weeh Bahffe of Xen) for the most doughnuts eaten in one day. Now we have a live audio interview with I.M.Phat by our top reporter, Phart E. McLoyd.

"Why havn't you been sick yet?"
"mufmuffummufmufmfumufslupmuf"
"Facinating. If it true your up 342- wait 343 dounghts, cause if so you'll smash the record"
"mufmufslupglupfumuffomp"
"Totally increadible, well thats it from me. This was Phart E. McLoyd reporting to you from somewhere"

Some blahblahbblahblah........ etc

 

[AJ Rimmer]

Search for Resistance HQ members continues, new leads found

A series of rather oddly placed ads in the Daily Citizen referring to some sort of weapon, the "gravity gun", has City 17 Overwatch Command puzzled. They originally thought that the resistance may have placed these ads, but have now abondoned this option, saying;
"Even they can't be *that* stupid, right?"
The investigation continues. For safety reasons, the entire Daily Citizen building is now under blockade, effective immedately. No-one may leave or enter the building until the source of these ads have been found!

-AJ Rimmer, Daily Citizen.

(Oy, kelvini, stop posting that stuff, you'll get us all killed and I don't want to spend the best years of my death dead!)

 

[15357]

Notice

In the DC building, Containment doors A9 to Z798 will be sealed until further notice.

that includes the restrooms.

 

[Jintor]

Runoff accepted

In the news today: A sector of the city, very close to the DC Headquaters is under constant fire by the plague of 'respawning rebels' and thus our lords and benefactors have released their 'respawning combine'.

A missile bunker in the middle of this sector provides the perfect opportunity to hide with your loved ones as missiles rain down outside, obliterating any traitorous rebel scum. It was once thought to be able to get out of the sector, but our benafactors and lords have proceeded to drop missiles on the exits, seeling EVERYONE inside.

in other news: There has been a rise in the amount of ancient, high-powered 'crossbows'. These items are to be handed immediantly to combine patrolmen, preferably handle-first.

 

[WacK]

Haha.. :d:d:d

 

[kelvini]

*music plays*
there has been a rumour that there has been another prototype of the gravity gun,dr. breen inventted the proto#3,he remembered how to build it and use it after the teleportation incident,this is only a rumour

in other news:there was been a headcrab using weapons,the de-beaked head crab appears to be using a pulse rifle,nobody know who's headcrab is it ,could it be the combines?i dont know,thats all we have for today.

this is kelvini with the news*funny music plays*

 

[15357]

923 Journalists Arrested

In the DC building, still under quarantine, many reporters have been relieving themselves in hallways.

The editor, fired them and turned them to civil protection.



Person Found Dead in DC HQ

A unknown person was found starved to death in a restroom In the DC building. The causes are still unknown.



Notice

Containment doors A4, G34, K67, L125, and V953 (the restrooms) will be opened in the DC building.

 

[Darkwolf]

Reporters Rejoice

There was masses of "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, EEEEEE OH YEH"'s emitting from the central hub of the worlds reporters today as a 2 day toilet blackade ended.

In memory of this great occasion today will be named world relief day. You must have a pee every 2 minutes. If you do not adhere to these rules report your self to the nearest Re-Education facility.

 

[15357]

people, i would like to congratulate you on your great posts.

Thank you for taking your time into this newspaper.

I really appreciate it.





*this post was written while under the influence of a controlled substance*

 

[Edcrab]

--:INTERNAL MEMO:--

This subject would like to express his approval of the following actions: sealing toilet facilities, imprisoning journalists, issuing mind-altering drugs to the Editor-in-Chief.

However, these events have resulted in a horde of desperate writers rampaging through City 17's toilet facilities and terrifying any resident unfortunate enough to be in their path.

Also note that the Editor-in-Chief resorts to hurling fire extinguishers at staff when he misses a single dose of "Torathixyiumdesdinium Xencombinetheorieswtf". Suggest we sedate him when necessary.

I would also like to express my distaste at the actions of some of my fellow journalists- since my bonding with the higher powers of the Universal Union, I hear laughing and calls of "Stalker!". I found this most offensive- as I was created with an entirely different production method- and I had to riddle their bodies with white-hot pulse fire.

This brings me to my final issue- is it too late to use their corpses in "Project Turn Everyone into Mindless Killing Machines (Not That I am One, Honest)"? Or will I be forced to concentrate on the remaining staff?

 

[15357]

--Internal memo--

Edcrab, come see me in my office.

not the one in the 1487th floor, the one in the basement, with the err, interrogation tools like racks and knives.

you can't miss it, its colored with blood.

 

[Edcrab]

--INTERNAL MEMO--

ERROR. Ow. ERROR. Total System Failure. Ouch.

...

Well, thanks to our supportive Editor I'm no longer controlled against my will by the Combine. Um, I mean, I'm working for the most-wonderful Union in a different position now. Not that they'd ever spy on our internal memos. The very idea. Ha ha.

I don't know what he said to me, but it was inspirational enough to short-circuit the Synth-inspired implants I was given. He was kind enough to give me some souvenirs to commemorate our success- I'm not sure what they are, but they look like lumps of semi-spherical metal soaked in... red... stuff. I can't really remember anything too well. Ow. But he was definitely motivational.

...is that a knife sticking out of my head?! Where'd that come from? No wonder the Vortigaunts I interviewed this morning kept looking at me funny. The Save Our AntLions Society (SOALS) must have a very low opinion of our paper. We can send them some complimentary bugbait to make up for it... remember what the Zombie Union did to our HQ when we forgot to report on their weekly meeting?

 

[kelvini]

*music plays*this kelvini saying:sneak in from the back door with a pulse rifle.

the de-beaked headcrab we told you has killed 25 elite combines,nobody still knows who's head crab is it but some people say its the resistance's head crab,the resistance probably taught the headcrab how to use the pulse rifle,the headcrab is now in downtown(nova).ok more news next time..

in other news:dr breens gravgun#3 blew up after a "energy overload"and has given up building the gravgun.

this is kelvini saying:AHH MY ARM!! who shot me!*music plays*

 

[Jintor]

Crisis Averted due to low-flying rebel

After several striders went rogue yesterday, after either

a) Being corrupted by the rebellion​

or​

b) Drinking way too much alchahol​

Combine officials have claimed the intelligence of Anti-Citizen #1337 (deceased) to be 'very, very high, despite inciting rebellion against our cause.' Anti-Citizen #1337's corpse was inteveiwed, but our only recorded transcripts ran along the lines of 'WHHYYYWHHHHYYWHHHYYY!!!!!'. Cameras, of course, caught the historic moment in step, as the heroic yet evil #1337 plunged nearly to his death from atop a very high building, hurling strange black globs of flesh at people as he went. When he landed, he did, of course, manage to blind the striders by tossing black globs of flesh at them as well. He got a leg through the entire body for his troubles but in anycase the striders are now completely docile, yet again, except for the mysterious problem involving trying to leap on statues of Dr Breen.

 

[15357]

Wanted

500kg of "Torathixyiumdesdinium Xencombinetheorieswtf".

packed in 20ml syringes.

will pay 20CC for 1 kg.

 

[15357]

C17 Quarantined. Again.

Zones A1385 to C4827 will be locked down due to an epidemic of the WTF syndrome.

No citizens should go outside.

Any DC staff member without a biohazard suit will be terminated immediatley.

 

[Dag]

Getting Bored with Normal Transportation?
Cars got you down? The subway not cutting it? To many 'ganstas' on the subway? Then find a new way to ride.

Thats right, the Strider!
Traffic delays? No problem, step right over them. No parking spot? Hate your neighboor? Thats ok, with new pulse rifle, and state-of-the-art warp beam weaponry, these simple everyday problems get all the easier to deal with. Can't fit in your garage? New easy fold up design helps store your strider in the most hard to get places. Even comes with free car scent freshener upon purchase.

Disclaimer-Striders are not sold to public. Not a toy. Must join combine overwatch to recieve one. People with lung disfunction or liver problems not allowed for purchase.

 

[Jintor]

-Internal memo-

15357, there's been a little spillage in the lounge area. But there's also some sort of problem with the windows, and now it looks like we've got headcrab eggs in the coffee. Of course this makes it taste a lot BETTER, but we'd still prefer it if our coffee didn't try to leap at us and attempt to couple with our heads. And the windows problem seems to be along the lines of people wandering in and going 'WTF?' at us and wandering out, it seems to be spreading as well.

Edcrab is functioning fairly well, what with the lasers in his one eye and the shiney white suit. It's really shiney, you know?

 

[15357]

-Internal Memo-

All IMPORTANT staff members, please report to the 1487th floor.

To the containment door Z999. It should say "VIP EVAC" on it.

i will be there shortly. Don't touch the thing that says "ESCAPE POD".

Nor the thing that says "Auto-Destruct"

and stay away from the windows. they are now electricfied.

Note:

you are important if you have

a. written a internal memo
or
b. been posting a lot

 

[Edcrab]

--INTERNAL MEMO--
To: Everyone remotely important, and Mr. Kh'kijush the Vortigaunt Janitor, who still owes me money.

I'm here!

I'm cold and frightened.

---

There appears to be a headcrab trying to infest my skull, but it can't seem to pass my ever-so-stylish Combine Elite helmet. It keeps stabbing me in my eye, the little parasitic bastard.

---

No rush guys, but someone needs to remove this thing. It's been here four hours, and it's already suggested I run spellcheck on five seperate articles.

---

I'm starting to go mad. It's just released a piece called "The Life and Times of a Xenian Headcrab" and won the coveted Combine Award for Creative Knowledge. I've been trying to get that award for the last six months! THERE'S A CRITIC SITTING ON MY FACE AND IT'S BETTER THAN ME!!

---

Okay, crisis averted. It's agreed to let me take all the credit, which is great, although now people are going to think I know an unhealthy amount about 'crab mating cycles.

Anyway, someone ask the Editor- if you people ever get here- why he seems to be stockpiling cake, pornography and thermonuclear weapons on the 1487th floor. He told me he'd run out.

 

[Jintor]

--INTERNAL MEMO--

>requesting: staff list.

Query?

>flood floor 1487 with (A) cryo gas: Password required

>***********

>Password accepted, Welcome :********

>flooding...
>flooding...
>flooding...
>Flooding complete.

 

[15357]

Internal Memo

Mr. Kh'kijush, could you get rid of the dead bodies in the 1487th floor?

Thank you. And please check the air vents as well, as I fear that theres been some malfunction in the Gas Chamber.

Oh, and please note that contaiment doors A583 (Jintor's workspace) and G499(Edcrab's office) will be sealed.

Also, G499 is reinforced 100cm titanium alloy. Don't try to open it.

 

[Darkwolf]

Internal Memo

So far the laundry races have only had five contestants, one not technically a washing machine. If you have any shaky washers you would like to donate please call the editor-in-cheif to have your ass on a peg, or me on 15357987 to donate your washer.

Here is the ladder for the offices weekly laundry races (hope youve done well in the tipping):
| Name | Points
_________________________________________________________________
|Critic the Headcrab with an elite helmat stuck on one foot| 45
|'96 Fisher & Pikel GT | 32
|LG Positron Washer/Dryer | 31
|Generic Washing Machine Prop | 20
|UU Standard | 2

Hope you've done well so far.

Darkwolf

 

[Edcrab]

--ARCHIVED SECURITY LOG: unauthorised viewing will be punished with the instant removal of all privileges. And death.--

--AUTOMATED OVERWATCH QUERY--

Dying staff members detected.

Locations: Body 1) is currently in A583. Body 2) is currently in G499. Course of action?

//kill

Kill is not a recognised command. You do not have the authority to kill staff members.

Login?

//*******

Welcome, Mr. Editor. Who would you like to kill today?

//staff inside A583 and G499

Error- areas A583 and G499 are sealed. Overwatch security systems are incapable of bypassing the hatchways. Note that staff will likely starve and/or suffocate to death in approximately one day: unless a headcrab that's surgically attatched itself to a Combine helmet manages to fall through the ventillation shafts and cause a short circuit, which is highly improbable.

Next command?

//use magic wand on Wizard of Flaxenhat

You use the magic wand on the Wizard of Flaxenhat, striking him down with the energies of Polestick, god of Crackly Magic Wands! You progress to level 7!

 

[Jintor]

--Internal Memo--

This building is littered with the remains of internal memos, people! We arn't getting any work done at all! How am i supposed to get any work done if i can't get outside my room... oh wait, i can. 15357, you might like to note that the door sealing my workplace is made out of cheese, you might want to get that checked. I am also missing my magic wond and my Wizard of Flaxenhat, if anyone finds them I'd like them back.

I still need that staff list, ed. And... uh... the Citadel's exploding again...

 

[Edcrab]

--External Memo--

(Look, I know I've written this on a notepad and thrown it at your window, but my Overwatch terminal's been bitten in half again and I can't print anything off).

The Citadel's exploding? Ah, bollocks. Last time it started to blow up we were frozen in suspended animation for god knows how long. Who controls these slow-time portals? That's what I'd like to know!

Turns out that my door was made out of 100cm-thick chocolate wafer. I've got no idea what's happening- and there appears to be a four legged helmet running around in my office's air vent. I'm scared.

Could you get the boss to forward me a copy of our Staff List? I've got people asking about our employee record y'see, and I promised the League of Hungry Zombies a full list of where everyone lives. Don't know why they'd care, but hey, any publicity is good publicity, yeah? Problem is I barely know anyone in here, which is a drawback as I'm our Deputy Public Service Relations Guy.

I should have an interview with the Barnacle Lovers Guild up sometime soon. In the meantime, I'm making a killing by selling off the understrata of rotting memo's we've got covering the carpet. There're so many layers I've managed to pass them off as priceless pre-Combine fossils.

 

[15357]

--Internal Message--

Note that the DC HQ will be subjected to severe does of radiation, enough to kill any living organism and short circuit all electronic equipment.

I will be going now, Good Bye.

--------------------------------------
Launch Sequence Start
5
4
3
2
1
0

ignition...

ESCAPE POD #3 has succesfully launched.

Next command?

//nuke

DC HQ subjected to nuclear radiation.

//exit

 

[15357]

/me mutters something about the "OCP" and "Survival of the Least Expendable"

edit: btw, this is getting scary....

 

[Darkwolf]

Do you want a loving pet?
Do you have time to reattach your arms?

Well if so come to the DC HeadQuaters. We have mutated, radioactive internal memos of all shapes and sizes that you can leave for your kids, have an exorcist partner or use them as a way to slowly get yourself devoured. Awwww!

Call153571585 to get one posted, or come see us.

(PLEASE PLEASE SAVE ME THEY'RE LOVING ME TO DEATH!!!!! GARRRRR gurgle blurg *alive* (-ed))

 

[Darkwolf]

DUMDUMDUUUUUUUUUM!!!!!

Is this the end for the daily citizen...

hell no!

 

[Darkwolf]

lolz the thread now has 230 replies

 

[15357]

lolz the thread now has 230 replies

/me drags DarkWolf to a political conscript detention facility for anti-spam treatment

 

[Jintor]

RAARRRR! HAARRR! MMMAAARRRRR! OOOHHH, COooOFFFEEEE!!!

/me drinks coffee

Much better!

Now back to 'Working in a radioactive environment - advantages and disatvantages'

Expect it in by Thursday.

 

[15357]

--Internal Broadcast via Radio/PA--

*Oxygen Canisters Activated*

Attention! This is your editor speacking.

*Breathing*

"Warning: Radiation Levels at Critical"

*Breathing*

I would like you to seal all of your office containment doors.

And, beware of the now-mutated internal memos.

That is all.

*Breathing*

*Containment Door Close*

 

[Darkwolf]

It speaking, not speacking

haha some editor you are

 

[15357]

It speaking, not speacking

haha some editor you are

its hard to talk with an oxygen mask on, you know.

 

[Darkwolf]

oh right... *GAK, GARK* collapses and dies from lack of oxygen (again)

 

[Flyingdebris]

Speculations as to the origins of the massive amount of volatile barrels continues today. Combine scientists are puzzled. Professor #487EB has this to say.

We are unsure where these barrels are produced as there is no known factory within the city that would produce something so useless. Furthermore we certainly don't have them transported into the city. We suspect that these barrels may in fact be a species of alien fauna that coincidently looks and explodes like a barrel full of volatile substances.

CP-8256-S has this to say. When i'm on patrol i have to constantly watch out for these barrels. Its ridiculous! I've lost a total of 24 partners and recieved many nasty burns due to overzealous individuals using those damn barrels as cover during shootouts. With this whole gordon fiasco the problem has only become worse as the near constant prescense of high explosives everywhere you look makes fighting the anti-citizen a very dicey affair.

Some suspect something called biozeminades to be the cause of this barrel crisis. Little is known about them other that they make themselves look good.

 

[15357]

OUTBREAK!

The CCDC(Combined Centers for Diease Control) quarantined all zones that are in range (30kms) from the Citadel of City 17. The rebels are suspected of spreading a virus to cause the Severe Reality Distortion Syndrome(SRDS). Said one spokescombine from the CCDC today:

"As we said, the rebels are here to kill you all!"

Zones A6 to B213 will be under quarantine and the surrounding areas will be evacuated in the near future.

 

[Edcrab]

Barnacle Lovers' Guild Fights Back

With all the media attention given to the recent scare over SRD Syndrome, there are a few citizens here in City 17 that feels a far more worthy recipient of their consideration is being overlooked- the humble barnacle.

"These wonderful creatures reduce the headcrab levels in districts and also devour other vermin, such as birds, small mammals and Resistance members," says Donald Thratter, Chairman of the BLG, "and yet every day hundreds are maimed or injured because sick freaks try and feed them inanimate objects. I've even seen the poor beasts given explosive barrels! And that's another thing, where do all those barrels come fr-" [THIS EXCERPT CENSORED TO CONFORM WITH THE DEMANDS OF THE OVERWATCH MONITORING SERVICE. REASON- INCITING FEAR OF BARRELS.]

But while the BLG are campaigning for greater awareness and even rehibilatory homes for barnacles, others are not convinced. "This is not a purposeful allocation of the City's time," says Lug'hith, a Vortigaunt we found hitting a barnacle with a broom, "these creatures are a threat to all sentients and they make very tough stains. We have seen these Guild hypocrites actively breeding barnacles and attatching vast clusters of them to ceilings- how else would such creatures congregate in tunnels?"

"Grah-gah," said a passing zombie in their cheerful, backwards dialect, "OH GOD NO! NOOO, GOD..." We were forced to set him on fire. "AARGGGHH, NOooo!"

But one thing is for sure- what with the SRD Syndrome- and its WTF variant- doing the rounds, barnacles won't get the attention they used to.

Isn't that right, Mr. Orange Hat? You do twirl so well. Indeed, I shall fly after you- let me mount this giant butterfly! [THIS EXCERPT CENSORED TO CONFORM WITH THE DEMANDS OF THE OVERWATCH MONITORING SERVICE. REASON- GLORIFYING HALLUCINATIONS AND LEAPS FROM HIGH BALCONIES.]