The Daily Citizen - a many people post newspaper

[Jintor]

The nether-regions (of City 17, not your body)

Today me and my trusty crew of Civil Protection Officers got drunk. Very drunk. Which lead to the conclusion that we should go on what they termed a 'jungle expidition'. This 'Jungle Expidition' turned out to be nothing less then a good old fashioned zombie hunt. The CP's even got entirely into the spirit of things by finding old, pre-combine jungle explorer suits and shooting them until they burned. We then ventured into the depths of City 17, beating citizens as we went.

Our recon squad - Squad 'delta', known to one and all within the slightly more civilised areas of City 17 (i.e. the areas where the camera's know everybody ) as 'Teh Wallhax' - cut through the concrete jungle of the lower levels of City 17. Our squad, with me, your faithful reporter following alongside it, wandered along, occasionally firing blindly into the darkness and chewing on headcrab legs. How they did this through their masks i don't know, and really don't want to find out.

In any case, by 3 hours after we had started we had recovered a strange old statue from the ruins of the middle of the city. This statue was green, and had spikey hair, and held a torch or something pointing at the sky. Obviously a relic from pre-combine ages, but from which exact time period? Random people we showed pictures of the statue to in a bar estimated from the middle ages, from Latin-America (the large land-sized mass under the sea near city 13, for any of you born after the combine - whoops, i forgot you CAN'T BE BORN AFTER THE COMBINE!!! Silly me) or even from New York (The crumpled remains of City 23).

We took it to the labs to find out. Sadly, the results weren't ready in time for this article - so look out for our follow up article very soon.

 

[bliink]

In soviet russia...
...combine is invaded by YOU!

Yes, thats right, there has been a human-lead victory in the recently re-awakened USSR.

 

[the_rebel_medic]

Internal Memo:

I'm Back from the bahamas. damn terrorists stopped me at the airport from getting home
oh but I made them let me get on the plane. remeber the glock I had. he he he. Thanks for reporting on the detonation. back to writing

 

[bliink]

Today's Combine Approved Tip

All Your Base Are Belong to Us, There is No Chance For Survival, Make Your Time.

In an interview today, Dr. Breen was heard to pronounce: "Somebody set up us the bomb !!" surely a reference to some type of bomb.

 

[Flyingdebris]

In other news today it seems that somehow in some bizarre turn of events, all combine weaponry from pistols to synth cannons, have somehow been set to be extremely weak. CP-131 has this to say "Look at my pistol as i fire it, the rounds are so damn weak i can see them in flight, and I'm not even using tracers!" Overwatch Soldier B34 has a similiar story, "I remember when this trusty pulse rifle here was strong enough to shoot through a cow, 3 consecutive engine blocks, and some rebel scum. Now the damn thing barely causes a rash. Look at this (points rifle at face and fires off a double burst without even flinching) yeah my face is a little numb, but i should be dead!" One of the apc crews during the famous airboat chase was quoted as saying "GODDAMIT I ****ING HIT THAT BASTARD IN THE ****ING FACE WITH A ROCKET AND HE DRIVES ON LIKE ITS ALL FUN AND GAMES, WHAT THE ****!?"

Somehow it seems that anticitizen Gordon freeman is somehow able to fix this problem with all combine weaponry that he handles through mysterious unknown means.

In other news, the overwatch is disbanding their horribly unsucessful sniper program due to gross incompetence of the snipers. Soldier 2G5 was not surprised, "I never liked those sniper punks, they thought no one could see their stupid blue laser pointer, they picked the worst sniper spots, they waste shots shooting at garbage and boxes, and they are too dumb to throw grenades back out" If i were sniping i would'nt let the whole world know exactly where i was, especially if it was only 20 feet off the ground! Instead, training combine personell to use 357 magnums has become a new priority. Supply warden 34 responded to that latest bit of news with some adjulation, "Its about time, you can't swing a dead cat around here without hitting a magnum or box of rounds, and yet nobody uses them. If your gonna keep ordering stuff you might as well use it, i'm running out of places to stow all this crap!"

 

[15357]

Internal Memo

Thank you all for all of your great articles. They are really great.

Now, get me out of here!


p.s. anyone see my syringes? they seem to be missing.
p.p.s. why is there a helmet with 4 legs runnig around?

 

[kelvini]

hey!!cool,you found my headcrab!!

 

[15357]

hey!!cool,you found my headcrab!!

well, take it away before it jumps on my hea-

AHHHA aRGHa traRAGGAGafA!!!!!

GEtit off getitoff!

AHH!

 

[kelvini]

bleah!!come here!sorry editor...

 

[the_rebel_medic]

Don't make me do what i did to Lamaar
I kinda spawned a shotgun and went POW just as it landed on the cupboard
kinda like kelvini's sig
meh
*sits down and calls the headcrab and pats his head*

 

[the_rebel_medic]

Headcrab Hurts Much Loved Editor And Writer

NEWS FLASH
Today this writer is liking his wounds. Two people were headcrabed today by writer kelvini's headcrab. The editor of TDC (not to be confused with team-fortress classic) and writer the_rebel_medic were headcrab and almost zombified. when we asked mr editor what happened he merely replied "they sure as hell dont make helmets like they used to" he collapsed 0.1295783 seconds later.

The writer was discovered to have willingly of let it happened as he thought apparently that the headcrab was infact deabeked like the lovable/evil headcrab lamaar. we would like to remind the public that headcrabs ARE DANGEROUS. please carry some form of defence with you at all times, however a MP-7 is not necesary. we mean you mr person who had a MP-7 in Rout Kanal.

The C-17 Hospital would like to state that no headcrab victims are admited after you have either
A: got your claws developed
or
B: had your chest ripped open

TDC Newest reporter (i think)
The Rebel Medic

 

[Darkwolf]

Combine Approved Saying of the Day:

Quantum Mechanics - The dream stuff is made of.

(NOW TREMBLE PUNY HUMAN)

 

[15357]

Mad Cow

CPs have arrested a cow that killed a bus driver who was urinating on a highway, a CP spokesman said Thursday.

The horned African cow, which was wandering stray in the Z029 district of C14, also injured several bystanders after killing the man.

"The cow went mad, ran into a bus driver and knocked him down. Efforts to revive him were fruitless," said CP spokesman 455-98.

Some people suggested the animal be shot, but the district CP ordered it to be taken alive.

"You know what it will take to arrest a mad cow?" one newspaper quoted a CP as saying. "We applied ingenuity and arrested the cow, which is now being detained at the station," he said without going into details.

455-98 said CPs were seeking the cow's owner to press charges for failing to keep it under control.

 

[the_rebel_medic]

Reporters KIDNAPPED

In the news today it turns out that a large majority of the TDC writers were kiddnapped by the CP teams

CP number 132456 says that the writers have been detained and are awaiting a ride to nova prospekt. this reporter is extreamly worried about them as only two of the reporters acutally made it out. when this reporter returned from the C17 hospital (following headcrab wounds) only to find a small piece of paper saying

HA HA WE GOT ALL YOUR REPORTERS. bring a pulse rifle that actually works to the 12th precint and they will be released. then we will all have a friendly beer :cheers: he he he what a dumb ass, we'll kill em all. uuummmm sir you gotta switch it off to stop writing. OH CRAP

after this message this reporter organised a rebel team to bust the lot of them out
one rebel was outfitted with a crossbow but when he fired a bolt at the CP at the door it was merely like a bee sting. he rubbed his head and went inside. when we attempted to breach via the cell wall the explosives didn't even hurt and ant that happened to be walking by

after the attempted destruction of the wall we merely went inside with a basket of fruit and they gave us back the reporters.

TDC Newest reporter (i think)
The Rebel Medic

 

[15357]

One million dead in one hour.

After a battle with the imperialist Martians in sector 2Z4A, 1 million transhuman forces were killed in action.

The head director of the CDHR (Combined Directorate for Human Resources) was executed on 1530 via headcrab, Standard Universal Time.

No comments were issued by the CDHR nor [Censored by the CCC, combine censorship command]

[CENSORED]

 

[Darkwolf]

Today's Combine Approved Message
Be Impulsive, Revulsive and anything else ending in "ulsive"!

 

[Jintor]

Grand Theft Strido

In a strange turn of events today, it has been noted that several million striders with fully working weaponry and spikey legs have been hijacked by random people and some are being used to do taxi missions, while military striders are for some reason being used to chase down crimminals while other striders such as the ambulence ones and the pizza delivery ones are also being used for their respective purposes.
Why these striders were hijacked and then used for their original purpose nobody knows.

Jintor
Tired.

 

[the_rebel_medic]

In yet another wierd and strange and twisted turn of events all headcrab rockets were stolen today. but probably the strangest things of all is that
A: no headcrabs were stolen along side it
B: only one launcher was taken
C: they were taken to highway 17
D: antlions were being stuffed inside them (1 in 10 survived the stuffing)
and E: they were shot at the great SANDY, FRIEND OF (the late) LASLO

Why the hell this has been happening i am unaware but i do know that my donught was stolen in a revenge plot by the CPs. OOOH they are all F**ked now.

In a completly unrelated topic all weapons have been returned to full power and gordon freemans weapons are now weaker than weak.

 

[15357]

Internal Memo from CP officer 20a333

the_rebel_medic, you want a malcompliance verdict?

 

[Darkwolf]

Today's Combine Approved Saying:
Babies break if you shake them, so its a good thing we don't have any. Now keep it that way.

 

[the_rebel_medic]

Internal Memo

Define???
and after that i think i might say ok to sure

 

[15357]

Civil Protection Locks Down DC HQ.

Today, 10,385 Civil Protection Officers barricaded the DC HQ, in search of the_rebel_medic. He is still being hunted as more and more transhuman forces search the DC HQ's various torture chambers (accesible only by the editor and CPs) and open 50cm thick Containment doors. The latest leads are an internal memo saying: "Define??? and after that i think i might say ok to sure". The editor has run away to his top floor office, and is communicating only by means of Memos. No other leads were found on TRM's whereabouts.

 

[Jintor]

Jintor completely forgets how to type an article!

 

[15357]

15357 almost fires Jintor!

 

[the_rebel_medic]

Trm Has A Huge Handgun

Today TRM has remebered his glock. he admits that its not huge but still has enough stoping power to kill a bullsquid (I WANT THEM BACK) at 200 feet

He is currently hiding in a tunnel on ****** (censored as his butt is happy as it is). he is ready for anything and is also armed with a stider that was previously stolen and used for pizza work BUT still has sharp feet and a weird underslung weapon. TRM has only agreed to submit himself if he is garunteed not to be abused, killed or hurt in any way shape or form.

He however REFUSES to disarm his glock as it is an antique and claimed it from the origanal BM after killing some weirdoes. He WILL NOT GIVE IT UP. AT ALL. Keep watching the papers

TRM

 

[the_rebel_medic]

Trm Has A Huge Handgun

Internal Memo:

I would like you to make my non-rebel friend Hl2fan_marty welcome and not be to worried if his first few articals are crappy, mine were to.

Keep watching

TRM
(ready to kill em all)

 

[HL2fan_marty]

hl2fan_marty reporting, 20 jun

i have been waiting outside a combine shack for 3 days now, having knowledge that a rebel has been taken hostage... still no negotiation happening

hl2fan_marty reporting, 21 jun

The morning i head some moaning then heard gunshots *bang *bang then waiting and watching for about a minute i then strangely saw the hostage wipeing blood off his hands with a big smeark on his face.

 

[the_rebel_medic]

Internal Memo:

I arrest my case

 

[Darkwolf]

Iternal Memo:

People if we are not careful we'll have to nuke the building again. Do we really want to have to give away another set of mutated memos? Start writing articles dammit!

-d

 

[the_rebel_medic]

we are writing articals

< posted at 3am​

Please just stick to your approved messages
yours truly
tired and pissed off medic with little or no supplies

 

[15357]

Nuclear Radiation Emitters On-LIne

Arm?(y/n) y

Armed.


^ threat.

 

[15357]

see pages 15 and 16 to see what had happened last time.

 

[the_rebel_medic]

TODAY
TRM has noted that there is a large amount of mutated memo's pouring out of TDC's building. from his vantage point he notes that there are no memo's saying that he will not be killed, toutered or stalkerfied in the wave
he is still watching and waiting
and his glock still has no saftey

TRM

 

[Darkwolf]

Location of TRM as been Located, Also his true identity has been Identified!

With one case study the location and identity of the Combines #1 enemy has been found.

With little research into previous articles and observering the anticitizens name it is abvoise as to "the location of the hidden rebel base." It is infact at the spire of the citadel and the anticitizen is none other then, Dr. Wallace Breen.

TRM has noted that there is a large amount of mutated memo's pouring out of TDC's building. from his vantage point he notes that there are no memo's saying that he will not be killed, toutered or stalkerfied in the wave

Evidence collected from this article dictates the location of TRM because if there were any better ones, the UU's sniper would not s[BLANKED FOR REASONS OF SEXUAL ENTICEMENT]k elephant t[BLANKED FOR REASONS OF SEXUAL ENTICEMENT]ls so much.

He is Dr. Breen due to our great cominist society. Due to the fact that everybody is.... "equal" :hmph: There are no distinguishing titles for people, only "comrade", and "master." Dr. Breen is the only citizen with permision to use a title, however when he was stipped of his status he still wanted to keep his big"headed" medical degree and became a medic.

This reporter took the liberty of sending a sqaud of comandos to deal with this betrayer of our great society and went to have a tea and biscuit in his nicly irradiated room full of his evil internal memo minon/pets.

-d

 

[r2000]

Breaking News Bulletin

At approximately, 1450 hours there was a critical breakdown of containment barriers in City 17. Civil protection is doing its best, but hostile alien fauna overran their defenses. In response, Multiple Strider Units, backed up by Combine Super Elites, are attacking and containing the infestation. Citizens in the infected area are advised to keep out of windows and sight, and hide. If your attacked by a Xen creature, bop it across its mandible and shout NO!. THen wait for a combine infantry team.

 

[15357]

Notice.

All containment doors will be sealed in the DC HQ until further notice. Including the restrooms.

 

[Sloth]

Where did EvilSloth and Rimmer go...?

Radio Transmission - Date [Blanked- No Reason]

*gasp* "I've been in the field, reporting on the Antlions new mating season.
*static* The signal is getting worse down here. But we still get the papers, if they are old. Sorry about the wait... I need some help down here the fu*static* keep on getting past the humpers.

Over and Out."

 

[the_rebel_medic]

With one case study the location and identity of the Combines #1 enemy has been found.

With little research into previous articles and observering the anticitizens name it is abvoise as to "the location of the hidden rebel base." It is infact at the spire of the citadel and the anticitizen is none other then, Dr. Wallace Breen.


-d

YOu fools i am NOt breen because breen was killed and hung BY MEEEEE MUHAAAHAHA. anyway i have merely decided to keep my glock with me at all times and return to the offices

 

[Dog--]

It's wierd, there are no

WANTED
Gordon Freeman
Dead or Alive

Papers anywhere in city 17

 

[the_rebel_medic]

Internal Memo:

15357 isn't this a newspaper, not a "hey ain it wierd" place
Dog-- keep on topic