The Daily Citizen - a many people post newspaper

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(I didn't read the whole topic so if this's been posted before please tell me and I'll edit it.)
Recent Vortigaunt strike ends up in bloody mess

The recent Vortigaunt strike, for a union, paychecks, and beds, was smacked down brutally by the CP.
One of the remaining Vortigaunts, Xorroch, was interviewed by yours truly.

Me: "Why were you on strike?"
Xorroch: "Until The Free Man's arrival, I wish for better living circumstances. I can't sleep on stones."
Me: "What about the paychecks? I heard you got paid 5 CC per month."
Xorroch:"Yes. The Combine are annoying masters, and not only have they invaded our planet brutally, they're also cheap bastZAP."
A CP comes and takes the Vortigaunt with him.

I guess that concludes my article today.

(I lacked inspiration)
 
Internal Memo:
Welcome to the paper boogymanx, i am the psycho/writer, 15357 is the editior and everyone else (bar jintor) is a writer and jintor is lead writer
we request that you don't make just one artical and leave and we dont care about reposted articles
(i think i blew up the citadel twice)
 
the_rebel_medic said:
Internal Memo:
Welcome to the paper boogymanx, i am the psycho/writer, 15357 is the editior and everyone else (bar jintor) is a writer and jintor is lead writer
we request that you don't make just one artical and leave and we dont care about reposted articles
(i think i blew up the citadel twice)
Click to expand...

You blew up the citadel!?!?

Thats why Dr.Breen sent a bill for 2,000,000,000 CC. :frown:
 
Undead Stalk City 17

Necromancers Union up in arms

City 17, Yesterday - The City 17 Necromancers Union (CNU) is up in arms over alarmist media claims that headcrabs - native flora and fauna (We're still not sure which one they are) of Xen, and now City 17, - are not infact union members.

'That's rediculous!' spluttered Nu'Zhuel, Lvl 60 Dungeon Boss from the depths of the colder parts of City 17. 'These headcrabs have all payed their registration fees fair and square. They can raise zombies from the dead all they like, as long as they turn up for union dinners.'

'Ktth-hssssk-Ktttthhh-Hsskkkkk' reported one angry headcrab, attempting to couple fruitlessly with our roving reporter's head. 'hhhhsssttthhhh-kttttthhhhshhhhthhhh-KKKRRRARRRRTH!'.

'Of course headcrabs aren't proper Necromancers' purred Kul'Terath, Lvl 40 Death Night (Necromancy by request) 'But they do, after all, reanimate the dead. Even if they are the ones who kill them, they re-an-i-mate-the-dead. They are necromancers. Albiet newbies.'
 
Jack Thompson's Stairway to Heaven​

Jack Thompson died earlier yesterday after an aledged accomplice in his "GTA:SA = AO" campaign came to his home and shot him in the head 10 times. Authorities say that they will not release the name of the perpitrator, but i have a hunch who killed Jack...never mind i dont. Our team of smart guys came up with who they think killed (not me), they say that millions of gamers all around the world payed $.50 to pay one man to take away their pains. Police also say that his stereo was paying Led Zepplin's "Stairway to Heaven" skipping on the same verse, and they think that the killer might have been a woman, we will conform that within the hour. Stay tuned to us, we will keep you updated on this terrible tragedy. :cough:

I'm John Jinglehiemerschmit, FAX NEWS
 
A COMPETITOR FROM ANOTHER PAPER KILL HIM AND SAVE THE COKE
*stabs Kamikazie*
oh yes a sucide mission this was indeed
 
NEWS FALSH
TRM WEARS KEVLAR
Today TRM was attemptedly shot by a riviling news reporter after stabbing him. Fortunatly TRM has been wearing copious quantaties of Kevlar since he was forst on the run AAALLLLLLLL that time ago.

After being shot he suddenly turned around and with a smirk on his face pointed to a large blue gravity manipulation device on his back. When the next shot was fired he grabbed the bullet and threw it back puncturing Kamikazie's face plate and terminaly wounding him.

A large cheer rang through the streets twice today as TRM was
A: saved from death
B: killed an evil awful and sadly overbeliving terrorist
and C: started Writing in paragraphs

TRM signing off
 
Kamikazie Revived From The Dead

Just minutes after his death rival newspaper writer Kamikazie was mysteriously revived. TRM has called upon undead killer Father Gregori. Father Gregori lived in the zombie infested town of Ravenholm and carries a Annabel class magnum shotgun.

Pre the arrival of the great hero Freeman (the bugger who for some reason got us billed for 200 000 000 CC) he carried around a double barrel shotgun. We recently interviewed Mr. Freeman on his thoughts (and I mean real recently like 2 seconds ago). Mr. freeman is a great zombie killer himself

TRM: Mr Freeman what do you think of Kamikazie’s revival?
Freeman: ………
TRM: ok then, how skilled are you with a shotgun?
Freeman: ………
TRM: Gords are you OK?
Freeman: *shaking and bubbles foam from his mouth*
TRM: Someone call an ambulance god damn it
Freeman: *continues to convulse*
TRM: OH shit wtf where the hell is that ambulance
Freeman: *continues to foam*
TRM: is that baking soda
15357: yes I believe it is
TRM: where’s the vinegar?
Freeman: *jumps up and makes a mute laugh pulling a bottle of vinegar out of his arse*
TRM: LOL OMG SOOOO FUNNY. FFS THAT COST 30 000CC of GOVERNMENT MONEY YOU PRICK
Freeman: *continues to laugh*
TRM: shit has that been recording that the whole time?
Recorder: ummmm nooooooooo
TRM: since when have recorders talked?
Recorder: since the days that I am actually A MOOSE AHAHAHA *pulls of recorder costume*
15357: wait Mooses don’t talk either
TRM: Yea
Moose/recorder: well that’s cos I’m actually A BROOM
TRM & 15357: uh hu
Broom/Moose/recorder: *falls over*
Freeman: *disappears*
TRM: its still recording

As you can see freak things have been happening for quite some time now
This is TRM really worried
 
soooooo? it gives me a good ability to write good articals. you...you work for another paper so LEAVE NOW
 
Recent assault during concert.

The popular doom metal band, Crowned Combine kings, got attacked by threel rebelling ex-students. They claimed that they should free the world of this pest, and should bring true rap and hiphop back, until smacked in the head several times with a plastic Kellogs lightsaber. The rebellion ended, and the band continued to play it's awesome concert, and ended with the great song 'Asleep while suffocating'. Lyrics might be posted later on.
 
Fake Vortigaunts?

Spokesmen for the Intergalactic Racial Argumentative (IRA) group voiced their protests against apparantly "Fake" Vortigaunts gallavanting about City 17.

"Its just totally unacceptable, people running round impersonating vortigaunts, such intelligent beings. If your going to be a vortigaunt at least do them some justice by reffering to yourself as a collective. If only the [EXPLICIT]ing Combine Mother [EXPLICIT]ers would do something about i- AAARRRRGH MY SPLEEN!!!!"

Press Warfare
In other news intense fighting has broken out all over City-17. The fighting started early this morning and battles have sprung up all over the city as Daily Citizen Internal memos were seen marching out of the building headed towards the HQ of a reletavly new Newspaper, FAX NEWS.

City-17 CP's have refused to due anything, here is what the CP spokesmen said,
"You want us to "STOP" you creatures from killing each other???"

More on the fighting as it progresses.

- D
 
I'm here taking cover behind several crates of watermelon near the offices of the would be userper to TDC's position as permier newspaper in City 17, FAX NEWS. from my vantage point I can see what appears to be a force of reporters and writers from The Daily Citizen attempting to storm the FN HQ. they appear to be lead by a man in a kevlar vest and brandishing some kind of polymer framed side arm. The only resistance being offered by the FN HQ seems to be from a lone sniper atop the building.

It appears from initail reports that the majority of FAX NEWS's forces have been drawn off by sparadic fighting throughout the City. Now, with their defences spread thin this force from TDC has broken through the frount lines and seems set to break the morale and coordination of the newcomers by taking, and probubly blowing up, as is fasionable, the offices of their rival.

I now have an exclusive interview with Cpt. Grott of the CP forces of City 17.

B_M " So, captain what's your veiw on the sparadic, but intense street fighting that has suddenly eruppted across City 17?"

Cpt. G " Of course it is very troubling that so many people have taken it upon them selves to exterminate each other, but we lack the recources to stop the fighting at this time as we have more pressing issues to contend with at this time."

B_M " Ah, I see. So what course of action have you decided to undertake inorder to prevent collaterall damage to the civilian population?"

Cpt. G " Combine intrests are yet to be threatend by the fighting and so we see no need to interveen at this time. The citizens are on their own.

B_M " Oh, so infact you plan to do nothing at all?"

Cpt. G " Not quite, our officers have been ordered to pull back from the fighting and to avoid activly engaging the combatants."
B_M " So what your saying is that the citizens are on their own and that your officers will do nothing to protect the citizens or stop this fighting un less combine intrests are threatend?"

Cpt. G " Yes."

So there you have it: the fighting looks set to continue until one side or other is completly eradicated or comine intrests are threatend, in which case it appears that the CP will use all of their power to bring the fighting to a close.
 
TDC and FN differences may be settled in HL2DM
A new reporter for The Daily Citizen, City 17's major newspaper, suggested that the differences between TDC and FN should be settled by a match of HL2DM. After this reporter was shot several times by both TDC and FN crewmembers, he angrily respawned, to continue the fighting.
 
New, allegedley 'Fresh' Violence erupts

FAX NEWS HQ, Yesterday - As violence unstopped by CP forces continues unabated within FAX NEWS HQ, where Members of Rival News groups The Daily Citizen and FAX NEWS continually take potshots at each other. This has been taken as the signal for a new round of civil uprising, but unfortunantly due to the whole 'We rule the damn city, have all the weapons, screw you un-automated morons - SYSTEM REBOOT /c:Windows' thingy that the Combine has, this civil uprising is less targeted towards our Benefactors and more towards indiscriminate looting, raping, and killing.

'It's HORRIBLE!' said one screaming, deranged man, obviously driven insane by the sheer weight of the TV's he was holding. 'There are people EVERYWHERE killing and looting and raping! It's as though there were some sort of riot, which everybody knows is impossible to have after the Combine Law of about 4 hours ago!'

The FAX NEWS HQ, now collapsed in 5 places, burning in 3 and in several different plains of reality in 7, is still managing to hold together. But only barely, we swear. Of course the Daily Citizen is an impartial observer in all states, is not controlled by the Combine in any way, shape or form, and does not not condone violence in any way, shape or form.

Spariodic firefights between looters, rapists and killers (which has subdivided into 3 'clans', surprisingly named looters, rapists and killers (Where the killers are in the looters, the rapists are in the killers and the looters are in the rapists)) have begun to die down, after it was realised that while it looked like they were killing each other this was causing massive system lag and parts of Highway 17 were being shutdown to support the immense graphical requirements in parts of City 17.
 
Internal Memo:

omg j00 are teh 1337 g0d :p

ps. after u read this please does it with radiation and send to to bolster our army of mutant internal memos.

-D
 
Intenal Memo:
Right now i am probably more help on the battle field than here
tell my clan/family i love them
/me picks up a thompson SMG and runs yelling CHARGE with the memo's
 
Boogymanx said:
Does that include me?
Click to expand...

yes...

the_rebel_medic said:
Intenal Memo:
Right now i am probably more help on the battle field than here
tell my clan/family i love them
/me picks up a thompson SMG and runs yelling CHARGE with the memo's
Click to expand...


Forward, comrades, forward in the name of the revolution! Forward! Forward! Forward!
 
Beatiful young female headcrab is looking for an attractive partner of the other gender for serious relationship or more. Please call 0 800 566359 (0800 LONELY)
 
Welcome new *ducks bullet* member, to the Daily *ducks bullet* Citizen!
 
OMGNOES 15357 IS GONNA GET HIT BY A BULLET *jumps in front of him*
 
*Stands over Boogymanx's body*

The employee training is really paying off.


MEDICAL OFFICERS! TRM! QUICK, GET THE DEFIBRILLATOR!
 
boogymanx turns into a large dead cow, "no not the undebeefinator!!!!"
 
Moo moooooo moo moo
Moomooo moooo moo moomooomoooooooooooo, mooo moooo. Moo moo mooooo moo moo.
"Moo" Moooooooooo?
"Moo" Mo. Moooo moo moooo moo.
"Moo" Moo mooo moo moooooo?
"Moo" Moo moooo moo.
"Moo" Mooo mooo moo, moo moo mooooo?
"Moo" Moo mooo moooooooo, moo moo, moo. Mooo moo mooooo moo.
"Moo" Moo moo, moo mooooo.
 
Security! Why is that cow in here? Take him out! Go shoot him!
 
Suspected Cattle Executions at TDC!
Today 15357 ordered the execution of a cow, beleved to previosly have been Boogymanx. The cow in question, a 590 lb jersey, was taken into the parking garage by security personell and several gunshots were heard.

In other news, the bitter street fighting continues across City 17 between the forces of TDC and FN. It seems from the latest reports that FN troops are holding on by their finger nails in several key locations after suffering heavy causualtys from TDC's army of mutant internal memos. The_rebel_medic, the man currently leading TDC's armed forces on the battle feild has made much progress with his crack platoon of highly trained mutant internal memos and has punctured a hole in the FN lines that move's the forces of TDC even closer to the FN HQ.

Also, it seem that 15357 has come under fire from FN snipers. However, he managed to escape harm and sucessfully removed himself from the danger area without further incident. BoogyManx on the other hand, was not so lucky and leapt into the path of a bullet inorder that 15357 might continue his fine work for this newspaper. Boogymanx's sacrifice is a example to us all
 
XD. I want a statue in the halls though. "15357's Saviour." No, do it. Do it now. Do it or you're fired.
 
Political Review & Public Service Notices

This is a Party Brodcast Announcement from the Combine Party

Do you think about politics? It's very important that you do because - well, we are lying, your foolish notions of democracy were squashed almost a decade ago. Never mind. The day of your total assimilation draws near. Resistance is futile.

- Direct message from combine liason officer #12 to species #02194

IMPORTANT: Public Service Notice
Civil orders follow this message. They are to be complied with without question. Refusal to comply with the following instructions will result in the removal of ration tickets for the troubermaker in question's residental block except where an alternative punishment is stated. Have a nice day.

1. Citizens 1400 - 1500 are hearby forbidden to wear the following expressions at all times for one week:
:) :D :LOL:

2. Citizens 2340 - 3000 are hearby ordered to wear only the following expressions for the next 15 days and 2 hours:
:eek: :dozey:

3. Citizens 100 - 543, 677, 800 - 802 and 4000 are forbideen to have open eyes between the hours of 12.00 and 15.00. This order is to be observed until further notice.

4. All citizens are reminded that all conversational transactions must be concluded with the phrase "Would you like fries with that?".

5. Residential blocks 12C - 25F are to remove all glass from their residences and stockpile it on the rook of residential block 4B in patterns resembling combine architecture. A Civil Protection patrol will inpect both the residences and the glass stockpiles on Tuesday at 14.00. Any glass found remaining in the residences will result in the removal of all matresses from all the aforementioned residential blocks.

That is all.

- By order of Civil Protection Seargent #0174

Housing Association notice for residential blocks 334A, 334C and 335G
We apologise for the delay in the repairing of the plumbing. The plumber has been detained at the pleasure of civil protection seargent #0023 under charges as yet unspecified. We are adressing the issue currently and will notify you of any changes in the situation in these pages if and when they occur. Thank you for your patience.

- Citizen #23440, Chairperson of housing association #102
 
Hybro is promoted for sheer awesomeness.

Also:

NEWBIE POSTS GOOD POST

Obviously an infinite improbability drive is in effect somewhere in the vicinity.
 
Why thank you.
NB: What "Newbie" really means here is "non-spammer".

hehe jks
 
Internal Memo:
AARRRGGGHHH I'M HIT DAMN IT
/me shocks boogymanx in last act of defience and convienently holds sign saying "shock here"
 
That was awesome. Btw, I am the editor, not Jintor.

Anyway, keep that promotion to Junior chief journalist. (Jintor is senior.)


edit: TRM, NO RETREAT!
 
Boogymanx magically revived because he didn't want to be a cow.
The cow that was suspected to be Boogymanx and nearly got shot, is dead. Boogymanx jumped out of the third stomach, and he asked the TDC crew who put that leather and steak carrier around him. His writing will soon stop, however, since he's leaving to France in 1 or 2 days. And on the 22nd of August, he shall return, and nobody'll have expected it!
 
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