The Daily Citizen - a many people post newspaper

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Combine Comedy Channel Destroyed

Today in a rash action by FN, the last survivor, Kamikaze, destroyed Citizen TV and killed it's only inhabitant, bat_lyubo. TRM rushed to the scene, Popped Kamikaze and revived the deceased. That makes 35 percent of the writers currently in TRM's debt
 
why are you bring me into this...wth...well i guess that i have no lines since i am dead... :(
 
*calls the COIA (Combine Office for Internal Affairs)*
 
haha!!! i have no debts, if i did i would commit suicide to the extent of the debt!!!!


MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

Jumps off tallest building, batman style!
 
Darkwolf said:
haha!!! i have no debts, if i did i would commit suicide to the extent of the debt!!!!


MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

Jumps off tallest building, batman style!
Click to expand...

what debts?

:eek:

um, security?
 
Warning: Warning

If real articles are not posted within the next day or so that is not simply mindless chatter and updates on what your reporter is doing (i.e. NOT 'ate noodles, ate noodles, shot rebel, ate noodles') but more like this ('A mystery man today was witnessed eating noodles and occasionally shooting rebels').

Thank you for your time. If ye ignore this message, findeth thineself in deep peril! Also, expect a visit from Sega Black Ops, Microsoft Heavy Armour, Sony Enforcement Division and Nintendo Insanity Specialists.

This has been a real article.
 
'A mystery man today was witnessed eating noodles and occasionally shooting rebels'
Combine soldiers and reporters were in pursuit of the misterious man. A survivor reporter tells us the story:
''There was this geezer n he was gettin bear rude, man. I was gonna bust a cup up his a$$, but he shot my pal, so I left it out. We later found out, that this dude was Dr Breen's sibling, taking out revenge on the citizens and mostly rebels. I'm bringing my Ak next time''
''Thank you for your report for the Daily Citizen, Mr Chavette''
 
Martha Stewart goes to Nova Prospekt.

Today, Martha Stewart, a former fashion designer for homes, has been sent to Nova Prospekt. She has been found guilty for being drunk and puttin wall paper all over members of the Civil Protection group and suffocating them by doing so.
A fellow officer comments: "See, The damn Rebels are telling there fellow humans to fight back and disturb the peace that we have established.

Martha Sewart is sentenced in prison for 1 year as no one really cared about the dead cop because they can just find another guy to replace him.

In other news, Martha stewert has made a fashion statement in her little holding cell. She has colored it pink and orange with little flowers. The guards like the idea and painted thier weapons to be custom painted. So far the guards in the prison look fiercome with guns with flames painted on them and masks that have red and blue streaks on them.
 
Disappearance solved- Jack Thompson's Body found within Citadel

Surviving gamers ecstatic​

Following a routine inspection by Stalker #44-Alpha-3C, a well-preserved but thoroughly decomposed corpse was discovered lodged between two support girders in the early hours of this morning.

"GAAAAHHHH!!" said Stalker #44-Alpha-3C, presumably because he'd been told not to comment, and possibly because his tongue and vocal chords were fused together and full of circuitry, "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA."

We went to his Combine Elite supervisor, Bob (47). "Usually when we find bodies people start rioting in the streets, but they don't seem to care this time. What's up with that? Now they're all happy, and that's just wrong. Me and the guys had to bust a few heads before they were angry enough to demonstrate- and because of all the effort we put into the beating we didn't have enough energy to properly enjoy the gunfight afterwards. Even though they just had sticks and we had pulse rifles. Yeah, it was a bitch."

In an attempt to reap opinions that held some actual relevancy, I went to Gepkg'tirth, our Vortigaunt Caretaker. "This 'Jack Thompson' is not known to us," he told me. "We are vaguely aware of some long running dispute between that entity and a species known only as 'Gamers', but we did and do not understand the reasoning behind that enmity."

The Union's Media Sensationalism representative, Bob (32), admitted that Thompson- entirely claimed by senility at this point- had attempted to lay the blame for the Union's invasion on the games industry, parralelling the alien invasion to such classics as "Doomed 4" and "Z-Com".

Shortly before his vanishing, Thompson was heard to say that "these Combine types would have never had the idea to invade and enslave humanity if not for this stuff. It's warping our youth- uh, I mean, our neighbouring megalomaniacal pan-dimensional empires. Please, pay attention to me. PLEASE."

Although there's relief that the decade-long mystery of his disappearance has been solved, no one has any idea why he's dead, or, for that matter, how his body could possibly have ended up in the structural supports of the Citadel's highest-security sector.

Commander Bob (102) was dismissive of this, however, stating that no one had made such a fuss when Hitler had been found in the Catering Department, apparently after a convenient dimensional rift. Bob (102) added: "Sure, the poor guy's dead, but I dunno if we could've just slapped an apron on him. Adolf fixes up a damn good Evil Pie, but he's got years of fascist experience behind him."

Since the Union hates waste, Thompson's body was given to a specially modified headcrab. Currently the monstrous alien parasite's resultant hybrid is roaming the grounds of Sector 3, killing and eating people.

"Kag-graaaaah!" says the Thompson Zombie, pushing a court order into the gaping wound he'd so considerately planted in my stomach a few moments before, "Gaak grurgh." It seems they've never been happier.
 
Today, headcrabs are now aiming for your ass instead of your head. They shall now be called...Asscrabs or Buttcakes.
 
NEWS FLASH​

A mystery man has just spoken :
If real articles are not posted within the next day or so that is not simply mindless chatter and updates on what your reporter is doing (i.e. NOT 'ate noodles, ate noodles, shot rebel, ate noodles') but more like this ('A mystery man today was witnessed eating noodles and occasionally shooting rebels').

Thank you for your time. If ye ignore this message, findeth thineself in deep peril! Also, expect a visit from Sega Black Ops, Microsoft Heavy Armour, Sony Enforcement Division and Nintendo Insanity Specialists.

This has been a real article.
Click to expand...
and i did not happen to catch his name. if you have any info on this mans name, and all that other crap please cantact your local police. That is all. For now.

John Jinglehiemerschmitt FAX NEWS
 
Attention to all Citizens

Due to an incident which occured during an experiment in CTRF (Combine Technology Research Facility), headcrabs appear to be even more aggresive and dangerous. The following report is Solidsocom's investigation on the headcrabs, now known as asscrabs:

After an incident at CTRF, headcrabs have gone loose around City 12, in which CTRF is located. The officers arrived at the scene, but were unable to stop the "infection" from spreading. Several officers have been severely...injured in their anus region, more of them have gone missing. The remaining officers tried to follow the crap trails, but failed to find any survivors, nor the bodies of the victims. The CTRF is now officialy under quarantine under Dr. Breen's commands.

Daily Citizen would also like to add, that all citizens of City 12 and surrounding areas which are inhabited by citizens are to stay at their homes, close the doors, block the vents, and especially not to forget to flush their toilets and lower the rim. We'd also like to warn you to look out for your own ass. If you do happen to encounter these biologically altered creatures, please inform the Metropolice right away. If you have already been buttcrabbed, please stay calm and do not panic. Asscrabs tend to mate with the victim before injecting their venom, so try to find an object solid and crooked enough to pry the creatures off.

Thank you for your attention. Be safe. Be aware.
 
AAARRRGGGHHH HE's BACK KILL FAX NEWS, SEND OUT THE MEMO'S MOVE ATTACK BMRF NUKE THEM GO GO GO GO GO GO GO
 
the_rebel_medic said:
AAARRRGGGHHH HE's BACK KILL FAX NEWS, SEND OUT THE MEMO'S MOVE ATTACK BMRF NUKE THEM GO GO GO GO GO GO GO
Click to expand...

Shut up, make articles.
Kamikazie said:
NEWS FLASH​

A mystery man has just spoken : and i did not happen to catch his name. if you have any info on this mans name, and all that other crap please cantact your local police. That is all. For now.

John Jinglehiemerschmitt FAX NEWS
Click to expand...

why don't you be on the DC?
 
Ex-Fax news reporter turns to the light side

Today an ex fax news reporter known as kamikaze has joined the correct aligence and is a reporter for TDC. Thought to have been killed in the great Citizen TV explosion of '05 he was found crawling back to the decimated Fax News HQ. Finding all his friends dead he swore revenge on TRM who successfuly brain washed him into writing for TDC. John Jinglehiemerschmitt AKA kamikaze is now one of the most sucseful writers to date and we hope he is an everlasting member.

15357 made a claim "come on in we hope you write here forever, cos if you dont, you will 'dissapear', muhahaha"

TRM Signing off
 
Cowboy sightings

City 17 has been rocked by romours of obscene cowboy-like sightings.
The Metrocops reported to have seen a Rebel, riding a Strider. the Strider-boy, which seems to be the modern Cowboy version, also had a pair of .357 Magnums and reportedly kept on firing blank rounds in the air and screaming 'eeeeehaaah!'
None of these scenes were comfirmed by the Head of the Combine and until early afternoon, he did not return calls by the Daily Citizen's reporters. We have no validation of the situation, but what we do know, is that the Combine force has strenghtened its forces' density around key points in City 17.
For The Daily Citizen reports Ben Assic
 
THE OVERWATCH INTERVEIW

Thats right people of City-17 I, Darkwolf, have had an "Interveiw" with the allmighty Overwatch.

Unfortunatly she died 2 minutes afterwards. Coroners have asertained that the cause of death were large amounts of slug pellets in her barrel of buttcrab flesh.

The UU is in complete disarry universe wide and massivly succesful rebellions have started on almost every UU contoled planet at the news of the great Overwatches death.

Of course this grave news has not been caused by me.

Now, TO THE FIGHT MY COMRADES, BRING DOWN THE OPPRES- AARG MY SPLEEN!!!

-d
 
Notice

Please note that Darkwolf may not be here tommoraw as he has been taken into custody by the CCIA (Combine Central Intelligence Agency).
 
New sport discovered within bowels of city 17.

That's right, right within our own little cr*p-producing area of City 17 a entire new sport has been discovered, waving its little wings and trying to bite our heads off. That's right, Headcrab Headball.

The creator of this game, Dr. Oooornjd Aiojtelkd, could not speak to us directly, but he managed, via a kind translation Vortigaunt, to explain the rules. 'Oroijoijipkjdlaj Ajoigdlskfjlksmndf sdflkjflkdsj. ('There's nothing more plentiful in the 'burbs then some nice headcrab') Aljijgijdkdf SAOIjojgds SJDFIOJOJNHKLDS! ('And obviously the combine have stolen ALL OUR WATERMELONS!'). Akgjdiujroiwekljsd afuioipqurpojs;lkfd, dsafioujoijdkl oisdflkjhdsf! ('So we couldn't play waterball, and we had all these headcrabs, so... Headcrab Headball!')

From what the DC reporter understands, there is a large field, and there are live headcrabs captured and spread all over the field. The the entire field is shelled or grenaded as much as possible within 3 mintues. After this three minutes teams of 4, as many as possible, have to go in to get headcrab corpses and play a recreation of the primitive game of 'dodgeball' using headcrabs. Of course the danger - the thrill, if you will - is that occasionally your 'ball' is not so dead, merely concussed, and thus a merely exciting dodgeball match can become something much more thrilling and awesome.

Live ammunition is used at all times, and the only restriction being that if headcrabbed, you immediantly get shot, and you can't shoot other humans, unless they get headcrabbed. Occasionally Combine authorities join in the fun, launching massive headcrab pods all across the playing field, and then charging in armed only with stun batons. Some have pointed out that their helmets give them an unfair advantage in this game, but most critics have been silenced by such beautiful demonstrations of wordplay as 'BANG' and an additional gram or so of lead to their bodies.
 
.: ENCRYPTED REBEL CHANNEL V348-662H :.

All units launch operation Freeman
 
Extra!

Hybro Held Ransom!

I am dispatching this ultimatum of my own “free” will. My captors have “treated me well”. Eh-hem... yes... However, they demand that DC ceases all assaults on them if they want to see me again [blast the bastards]. If their demands are not met within 24 hours, they will be miffed.

- Hybro
 
Internal Memo -Top Secret-

EXECUTIVE DIRECTORS' EYES ONLY


In light of the recent kidnapping of Hybro, we have reached a decision to send 200 Internal Memo Commandos to rescue him.
 
Internal Memo-15357-
Sir, I request permission to assist the assualt force in the liberation of our respected comrade Hybro. (runs to grab AN-94)
 
iMMuNiTy said:
Attention to all Citizens

Due to an incident which occured during an experiment in CTRF (Combine Technology Research Facility), headcrabs appear to be even more aggresive and dangerous. The following report is Solidsocom's investigation on the headcrabs, now known as asscrabs:

After an incident at CTRF, headcrabs have gone loose around City 12, in which CTRF is located. The officers arrived at the scene, but were unable to stop the "infection" from spreading. Several officers have been severely...injured in their anus region, more of them have gone missing. The remaining officers tried to follow the crap trails, but failed to find any survivors, nor the bodies of the victims. The CTRF is now officialy under quarantine under Dr. Breen's commands.

Daily Citizen would also like to add, that all citizens of City 12 and surrounding areas which are inhabited by citizens are to stay at their homes, close the doors, block the vents, and especially not to forget to flush their toilets and lower the rim. We'd also like to warn you to look out for your own ass. If you do happen to encounter these biologically altered creatures, please inform the Metropolice right away. If you have already been buttcrabbed, please stay calm and do not panic. Asscrabs tend to mate with the victim before injecting their venom, so try to find an object solid and crooked enough to pry the creatures off.

Thank you for your attention. Be safe. Be aware.
Click to expand...

roflmao
 
Asscrabs were found humping the normal headcrab.

Today, Reporters have found various asscrabs humping thier normal headcrab counterpart and after humping, they scream which has been interpreted to be "Owned bitch." Fast asscrabs hump very fast on the normal fast headcrabs and poisonous asscrabs tend to kill their humped victim.

In other news, a female reporter was found on her desk, legs open, and a asscrab humping her ass.
 
In Other News

Rebels are rewiring thumpers as Dark Matter Bomb signallers all over the country.

Combine are thinking "...where the frack did the puny humans get those?"
Frankly we dont know or care, we just suddenly got 100s of Z-62 dark mater bombers in a random hanger.

Prayers have been sent from the Combine to the newly thought up god, VAC 2. He was first shown to the world by an extreme cultist group "The Valve" however during these tough times of huge rebellions and buttcakes it has been taken up by everyone, including the combine.

TO THE FIGHT!!!!
 
Pornography taking over!

After the events of the last few weeks, we are now asking ourselves: Is the porn industry taking over us?
When the totalitarian regime was nearly brought down by the rebels and Mr Freeman, the laws against pornography and freedom of speech were abolished, in effect of the governmentless City 17.
An epidemic rise of asscrab crimes came to shock the citizens and in addition to that, we found out that some asscrabs film their filthy acts and then sell fake DVDs on the street for $1, screaming 'QuVality porno, everyone! Only 1 dollar!' in funny accents.
The combine caught 3 perverts buying DVDs with X-rated content. the offenders were taken away and (the Daily Citizen is not allowed to comment on their fate, because of the anti-democratic regime), and you-know-what.
The scandalous DVDs are titled anything from ''Asscrab's memories'' to 'Assoffender''
The public is clearly shaken at this chain of events.
The combine administrator has spoken:
'Dear citizens, please protect yourselves from the asscrabs. We hate em as much as you do'
 
Cremators sweep the streets from asscrabs!

Today, over 18 cremators in each city has been assigned to cremate any and all asscrabs that dare show themselves to the public and try to "get their funk on." The reason? The reason is is that asscrabs make zombies that instead of killing by the traditional swipe of the hand, they actually hump their victims to death or "do it until the juice runs out." Sometimes they actually only weaken their victims asses so another asscrab might take over. The victims of the zombies are usually the opposite gender. So watch out and stay with cremators so your ass is protected.```

In other news, from the top of the citadel, you can see a tree.
 
Today, rebels take down 5 striders with ease. I, Solidsocom, went to investigate. It seems that the rebels have a good arsenal to fight this war against the combine. The rebels had shown me disturbing images of innocent citizens die because of the occupation of the combine and their hate of the human race. We even did forensic science on a dead victim and it all lead to the metropolice.

A rebel comments: "This is what we are fighting for! We are tired of the combines occupation because we want to be free again just like when it was before the combine came. What the combine are doing to us is bull****!"

This is reporter Solidsocom and all that I can say is amen to the above statement.
 
Solidsocom. On provation.

bat_lyubo. Warning.

Or you're fired.
 
Hybro Liberated!

Following the arrival of a force of Internal Memo Commandos, I have returned to DC and will be resuming regular writing soon. Thanks to the commandos, my FN captors were rendered inoperable from confusion following the conflicting messages, password authorisations and spleen explosions triggered by the memos. I was duly escorted back to DC HQ while the commando force cleared out the FN members in the building. A crackdown on the remaining FN staff is ready to proceed pending our editor’s authorisation.

- Hybro
 
The Citizens at block #9273C7349 were terrified yesterday, as their tower-block was attacked by zombies.
They turned to the Combine for help, but got none. The people had to fight a group of small zombies with knives and chairs.
Of course, untill Gordon freeman came. (damn!)
And now we have nothing dramatic to wrote coz Freeman took all the credits.
Sorry, readers and above all,
15357, please be merciful!
 
A wave of happyslaps

Reportedly, the zombies in City 17 have found a new hobby- happyslapping. Happyslapping was a major issue in some schools in the UK back in 2005. Now the slow zombies have resurrected it. Happyslapping, as they call it, consists of a hard slap on the head, which is being recorded on a mobile phone by a group of yobs.
The zombies walk around and terrorize the nation by happyslapping them. Yesterday, two elderly men were sent too hospital, after they were severely bitchslapped by zombies.
Evenm Mr Freeman himself has been a victim of the zombie past-time
'Whenever i'm about to shoot the b@stard$, they try to happyslap me or throw objects at me. It normally takes me about 20 health points and sore cheeks.'
 
Cubbage Captured

​

This exclusive picture shows depicts officer Colonel Cubbage, understood to have helped Dr. Freeman during his recent escape from combine forces, evidently being interrogated by the notorious Overwatch inside Nova Prospekt. It appears that the colonel was being beaten harshly by the combine forces, and on the table to the right of the picture are just visible a number of tools and instruments that appear to be used for this purpose. Unfortunately, my hovercam was only able to take and transmit this one picture before being spotted and destroyed so what the Overwatch wanted from Cubbage is unconfirmed, although it is strongly suspected that they are attempting to extract the location of rebel outposts from the colonel. It is quite likely that the safety of many civilians and freedom fighters alike has been put in jeopardy by the capture of Cubbage and they should expect visits from combine forces soon.

The colonel’s loss strikes a blow to the rebel forces at a time when leadership is greatly needed. Gordon Freeman is an obvious leader figure, but he is elusive and seems reluctant to take up that mantle, seemingly preferring to work alone. Reports suggest that the colonel was a senior member of the rebel forces stationed along the coast near City 17 and Nova Prospekt, a force that played a significant part in helping Dr. Freeman reach the infamous prison and subsequently free Eli Vance. Cubbage was one of the few known survivors of the Combine attack on the British Isles during the 7 Hour War and made his way be unknown means to City 17 shortly after the debacle. Some rumours have recently begun to surface concerning his contact with the mysterious ‘G-Man’, as pictures have emerged of the mysterious suited man giving the colonel an RPG Launcher which is believed to have subsequently passed into the hands of Dr. Freeman. Little at this time is clear, but one thing seems certain: Colonel Cubbage is lost to the rebellion.

Another disturbing detail that is evident from this picture is that the Overwatch are continuing to use Nova Prospekt, even after the antlion invasion led by Dr. Freeman. This means that combine soldiers are still being produced, although the supply of natural humans going to the plant is expected to dwindle as rebel forces take more of the city. More worryingly still, the capability of the combine forces to fend off the antlions indicated a strong Overwatch presence in the prison which will make capturing it highly difficult. All in all, it seems a bad day for the fledgling rebellion.

- Hybro
 
Hybro is the best reporter i have ever seen.
 
smiley_face.jpg
 
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