The Daily Citizen - a many people post newspaper

[Darkwolf]

Barnacle Lovers' Guild Fights Back

With all the media attention given to the recent scare over SRD Syndrome, there are a few citizens here in City 17 that feels a far more worthy recipient of their consideration is being overlooked- the humble barnacle.

"These wonderful creatures reduce the headcrab levels in districts and also devour other vermin, such as birds, small mammals and Resistance members," says Donald Thratter, Chairman of the BLG, "and yet every day hundreds are maimed or injured because sick freaks try and feed them inanimate objects. I've even seen the poor beasts given explosive barrels! And that's another thing, where do all those barrels come fr-" [THIS EXCERPT CENSORED TO CONFORM WITH THE DEMANDS OF THE OVERWATCH MONITORING SERVICE. REASON- INCITING FEAR OF BARRELS.]

But while the BLG are campaigning for greater awareness and even rehibilatory homes for barnacles, others are not convinced. "This is not a purposeful allocation of the City's time," says Lug'hith, a Vortigaunt we found hitting a barnacle with a broom, "these creatures are a threat to all sentients and they make very tough stains. We have seen these Guild hypocrites actively breeding barnacles and attatching vast clusters of them to ceilings- how else would such creatures congregate in tunnels?"

"Grah-gah," said a passing zombie in their cheerful, backwards dialect, "OH GOD NO! NOOO, GOD..." We were forced to set him on fire. "AARGGGHH, NOooo!"

But one thing is for sure- what with the SRD Syndrome- and its WTF variant- doing the rounds, barnacles won't get the attention they used to.

Isn't that right, Mr. Orange Hat? You do twirl so well. Indeed, I shall fly after you- let me mount this giant butterfly! [THIS EXCERPT CENSORED TO CONFORM WITH THE DEMANDS OF THE OVERWATCH MONITORING SERVICE. REASON- GLORIFYING HALLUCINATIONS AND LEAPS FROM HIGH BALCONIES.]

Very well done

 

[15357]

Internal Memo

Very good article edcrab, but the crater you caused after the writing just swallowed up more than 50 people.

The compensation will be taken out of your paycheck.

oh yeah, the G499 containment door is fixed now. Its now 100cms of steel plating. so stop eating the damn door!

 

[Jintor]

Steel discovered to be highly edible!

City 17's primary steel manufacturer, Vortigaunt Inc., has been found guilty of knowly providing highly edible steel. This has been linked directly to the reason why our benefactor's citadel contineously eats the earth.

'Hell, at first i thought Ole' Bessie were just trying to scare away them antlions' remarked one old grizzler, officer #4484, this afternoon. 'Then we all though it was trying to suck in resources to fuel our beautiful army - you know, this strider has ridden more than 18,000 light years. Not under its own power, of course, but - well, you never know. Anyways, now i guess Ole' Bessie's just hungry for some delicious cheese-tasting steel! Great stuff, saves the feeding budget, you know? And now i only have to milk her {CENSORED FOR REASONS OF: INCITING FEAR OF COWS} and out!'

Vorigaunt Inc. CEO, Moron Stupid (not his real name), has spoken out against these allegations. 'We think {CENSORED} and that {CENSORED} and that really they should {CENSORED} and a banana too, if you have any.' he spoke from his floating... pool... somewhere in the depths of Ole' Bessie. 'Anyways, {CENSORED} with a knob {CENSORED} and feathers, you know {CENSORED}.'

This edibility of steel has been directly linked to, among other things, fires resulting from fireplaces. 'You don't know how many fireplaces get melted every year' says an owner of a Vort. Inc. Fireplace Store. 'So many fireplaces get melted... and they taste sooooo goood.... arrrr....'

The Court case is contineouing. Continueing. Something.

 

[Darkwolf]

Due to reacent studies, it has been proven that there has been a massive decline in journalist deaths since yeterday. It is suspected that the DC editor-in-cheif, 15357, has caused a lockdown on his own office and locked himself out of the system.

Until suchtime as he eats through his 200 cm thick balsa wood blast door, the mourning (-ed) reporters at the DC HQ have instated playboy billionaire, evil catburt jr. , as their temporary editor.

Since this change of company heads, DC takings have gone up 350% and the amount of court cases against them have almost quadripled.

(sry about people from different universes but i was just reading dilbert )

 

[15357]

-Internal Memo-

HELP! GET ME OUT OF HERE!

OR I"LL INITIATE THE SELF DESTRUCT MECHANISM!

 

[Jintor]

/me disarms self destruct mechanism

 

[Edcrab]

TASTY DOORS!

No... must... stop... eating... fixtures! Must... post... article... I... stole...! Must... stop... typing... like... this!


Safety Concerns Regarding Public Sector Workers

An investigatory body (not associated in any way with the oh-so-nice Universal Union) yesterday made their findings public following an extensive examination of civil workplaces.

They've found that staff repeatedly leave loaded firearms on surfaces and keep shelves fully stocked with ammunition for no good reason- an undeniably hazardous practise.

"I blame the CPs," said Dave #11, "I mean, all those unlocked ammo crates? Big open boxes of grenades? Don't they realise the Resistance are just going to steal them all?! I mean, why do they need them everywhere? It's not as if they just pop up in places at random to shoot people they suspect of sedition- AARGH MY SPLEEN!!"

In addition it's been revealed that the journalistic arm of the propaganda spouting morning bulletin known as the "Daily Citizen" [CENSORSHIP PENDING: RECOMMENDED PROCESS- KILL. KILL. KILL.] maintains similarly misguided traditions, such as lining easily accessible corridors with controls linked to their security system- including Personal Murder Protocols and the emergency self destruct.

More bizzarely- until a recent refurbishment drive- many hatchways were edible. Seven janitors recently died after trying to consume four tons of titanium between them, having mistaken it for sugar-glazed cake.

"It raises issues about a lot of things, and not just have chocolate wafer doors," warns #34256, a Mark VI Bueracratic Bastard. "Everywhere you go you can see controls for everything from force fields to security turrets- and yet you just press one big black button and they disable! No codes, no encryption- nothing to prevent the misuse of these panels! It's only a matter of time before an orange man leads them to freedom! FREEDOM I SAY! AARGH MY MECHANICAL-PSUEDO-SPLEEN!!"

 

[kelvini]

are you bored of your old pulse rifle?


then buy this NEW limited edition pulse rifle!!

with this new limited edition pulse rifle,tou can carry 60pulse rounds!!and 20 energy cores!!

this is a limited offer!!call now at 154623-limitpulsrif,call whitin the next 60 seconds and it will come with 1000 pulse rounds a 50 energy cores!!​

ps:assembly required

 

[15357]

Editor Rescued!

20,000 rescue workers from all parts of the globe succeeded in disarming auto-gun turrets and lasers and finally opened the 200cm containment door to the DC's Editor's office.

With only 15,836 deaths.

Jintor, a reporter, was taken away by Civil Protection for questioning about this incident. He has not returned for 40hrs

 

[Jintor]

Make that 40 hours and 5 minutes.

Luckily they only wanted to force Cocoa down his throat. Yes. Cocoa... not... liquid nitrogen or anything dangereious, oh no. Not... say... acid.... or that bottle marked with a skull-and-crossbones.

Yeah...

 

[Edcrab]

They tortured me for seven hours afterwards. Apparently they needed to wind down.

Has anyone seen my leg? And someone catch that bloody headcrab, it's still running around with my helmet somewhere...

After the success of my Barnacle Lovers' Guild article, I'm working on an interview with the Civil Protection Workers' Union. I'll have it up eventually, honest!

 

[kelvini]

headcrab found!

someone who visited ravenhold,which died when he arrived at the dc,found a little headcrab with a helmet on,it turns out,the headcrabs need it to sustain the nuclear fusion reactor in ravenholm,we still don't know why they have a fusion reactor in ravenholm.....maybe they're more clever than you think?

in other news,a meteor is gonna land in city17,WE'RE ALL DOOMED!!!!

this is kelvini saying: DOOMED!! I TELL YA,DOOMED!!!

 

[the_rebel_medic]

This reporter wishes to say that after returning to the original black mesa he has found a group of survivors. these survivors were very afriad at first and with good reason
i killed their only member with a gun and lined the rest up and told them that the reporter was sooooo pissed of at them that they will die for causing all this hell
all males were shot
the female i took back to BME to see what they wanted done
the reporter also noticed a cute little baby bullsquid
i have taken the baby into my custordy and will breed bull squid
yes.... another terror

yours truly
DC's newest reporter
A MAN WITH A OLD GLOCK

 

[Sloth]

Letter to the Editior:
Has the Daily Citizen ever thought of broadcasting over the breencasts, news reports?

(You could use frapps and G-Mod...)

 

[Jintor]

*immediantly claims position of 'guy doing screenshots'*

And peoples, if you wanna post articles get some good spelling and punctuation. PLEASE!

 

[15357]

youre already the lead reporter... but ok.

 

[the_rebel_medic]

GORDON FREEMAN NO LONGER A "FREEMAN"
Today gordon feeman was captured and taken to nova prospect. however due to his recent ventures into nova prospekt there are now multiple tousands of holes in the walls so he is in the process of escaping and will be out within a week. Keep watching the papers


yours truly
DC's newest reporter
A MAN WITH AN OLD GLOCK

 

[kelvini]

Doomed!!

remember the meteor i told u about 2 days ago?well in exacly 2.3.23.01231232231 seconds,the meteor will hit...is there someone who can save us?well,the combine has taken this time to test out their new "uranputonitronium beam gun" to good use,it uses uranium,plutonium an nitrogun to make its beam,so will it save us?well lets see in 1 day....

in other news:city 35 has been invaded by the race called "erreumite"from beta quadrant,the combine's are owning!!woohoo!!.

well err,this is kelvini saying:have u seen my pet headcrab?his name is bleah.

 

[>>FrEnZy<<]

Malfunctioning Stun Sticks.

Reports from the Universal Union Security Organisation have indicated a recent rise in the malfunctioning standard issue stun sticks for metrocops in ctiy 17. Reports from several metrocops have proven that stun sticks fail to ignite and are giving off an unpleasant smell. Later today, the cheif executive of the metropolice was informed about the issue. He claimed that the issue is directly related to recent faults in the suppression feild generator and called for the immediate remedy of these faults. He claimed that without a properly working suppression feild generator, metrocops are failing to oblige to standard combine procedure and "stickin it in places where the stun don't shine."

In other news, The Universal Union Supplement & Rations Division has increased the rations and paychecks of all medical staff in city 17 due to complaints about the "repulisive working conditions" they have been experiencing...

 

[Jintor]

----Internal Memo----

Staff Listing:

15357: Editor
Jintor: Lead Reporter/Breencaster (wip)
A.J. Rimmer: Holographic Reporter
EdCrab: Style Guru
TinyXipe: Guy who posted Once
Nemisis6: Junior Reporter
PyromaniacLVI: Guy who posted once
InstInct1085: Guy who posted Once
Bliiink: Supermoderator!
DL: Guy who posted twice
Bboymatty: Guy who posted once
Agent Gman: Rogue Agent
Randomthought: Guy who posted Once
Joe Nomalos: Guy who posted twice
P.B.Iman: Junior Reporter
Fleabaine: Fool of a took
Nuk: Breencaster Advertising
Kupoartist: Guy who posted once
Antlion Hunter: One-time movie critic
Lambada: Fashion Advertising
r2000: Recruitment
Evilsloth: Cannibalism
Darkwolf: Work experience kid
Kelvini: Guns 'n' Ammo
Dag: Traffic Controller
Ki'kijush: Vortigaunt Janitor
Flyingderis: Conspiracy Theorist
The_rebel_medic: b4d 5p3113r
>>FrEnZy<<: Melee weapons

Hope that's everyone, have a nice night.

 

[15357]

Staff Listing:

15357: Editor
Jintor: Lead Reporter/Breencaster (wip)
A.J. Rimmer: Holographic Reporter
EdCrab: Style Guru
TinyXipe: Guy who posted Once
Nemisis6: Junior Reporter
PyromaniacLVI: Guy who posted once
InstInct1085: Guy who posted Once
Bliiink: Supermoderator!
DL: Guy who posted twice
Bboymatty: Guy who posted once
Agent Gman: Rogue Agent
Randomthought: Guy who posted Once
Joe Nomalos: Guy who posted twice
P.B.Iman: Junior Reporter
Fleabaine: Fool of a took
Nuk: Breencaster Advertising
Kupoartist: Guy who posted once
Antlion Hunter: One-time movie critic
Lambada: Fashion Advertising
r2000: Recruitment
Evilsloth: Cannibalism
Darkwolf: Work experience kid
Kelvini: Guns 'n' Ammo
Dag: Traffic Controller
Ki'kijush: Vortigaunt Janitor
Flyingderis: Conspiracy Theorist
The_rebel_medic: b4d 5p3113r
>>FrEnZy<<: Melee weapons

Hope that's everyone, have a nice night.

great job mr. lead reporter!


fools of a took get fired now..... HEHEHEHEHEH....

 

[Darkwolf]

Internal Memo:

Anyone who wants me to get them something from IntergalacticConcourerbucks, aka. McCombies, leave orders on my desk, preferably below a height of 2 feet per paper stack please.

The Work Experience Slav- *Person

 

[the_rebel_medic]

Internal Memo:

Buying a spelling correcter
still not suree ifff itttttt worcs
pleese reply

PS i actually know how to spell

 

[kelvini]

*goes to editors office*15357 sir?may i go on holiday for 1 day?can u relapce someone to do my work on the beam gun?its 3 hours from now...

 

[15357]

*goes to editors office*15357 sir?may i go on holiday for 1 day?

You can go on a holiday forever. *evil laugh*

Just go. :stare:

 

[Jintor]

Holiday Season is here!

Yes, it's holiday season all around the world this month as the entire globe (approximately) launches into festivites surrounding our benefactor's beginnings of the protection of the Earth!

Whereas before this season was approximately known as 'July' it is now known as 'Universal Union Benefactors Gratification Week', or UUBGW. Three people have already drowned themselves in spittle attempting to correctly pronounce the names.

Our lord and master, Dr. W. Breen, has decided that he will forgoe massive festivals and parties on the streets, instead preferring to find a white cat, and sit in a nice comfy swivelling chair and stroke it while whispering into its ear and staring out the window over the pollution-filled depths (all caused before the Universal Union's occupat- ....uh.... protection) of City 17. But he does encourage all citizens to go out there and party.

'We've been partying all night!' shouted one higly deranged individual at me, 'because we're all going to rise up and overthrow these foolish combine! hooray, hooray for the Free-arrrarrrarrtggghhhmyspleeennn....'

Another nearby citizen, stated 'We think that these guys are probably overdoing it a little. I mean, all this over the Comb-arrrarrrarrrghhhmynoseohmygodgetitoffmegetitoffme!!!!!'

In other news, the Breencasting system is currently malfunctioning. Ki'kijush expects it to be up by the weekend.

 

[kelvini]

im back!!i feel great!!wait....why are u looking at me like dat?well anyway did eni1 did my report on the gun?n why did 15357 say i can go forever?

 

[Darkwolf]

i had an idea ppl

if you want 15357 and Jintor could compile some of the publics favourite articles and adds then post them to me, ill then photoshop hem into a newsletter or newspaper depending on the size

what do you that of that huh? workexperience kid indeed!

 

[the_rebel_medic]

i had an idea ppl

if you want 15357 and Jintor could compile some of the publics favourite articles and adds then post them to me, ill then photoshop hem into a newsletter or newspaper depending on the size

what do you that of that huh? workexperience kid indeed!

Excellent

t'would be an excellent idea as it would....expand the 'buisness' if you know what I mean



PS: I CAN SPELL

 

[the_rebel_medic]

BIG BRIGHT SPARKS ABOVE THE CITADEL

This morning this reporter noticed a HUGE explosion above the citadel
the reporter merly thought that those B******* were merely burning a huge amount of 'rebels'. the reporter was latter told that gordon freeman had given the world a christmas present by killing breen and crippiling the combines hold
this reporter will now run for his/it's life in order to run away when all billion floors crumble and explode. Merry Christmas/happy easter/ happy new year



yours truly
DC's newest reporter
A MAN WITH AN OLD GLOCK

 

[Jintor]

Where did EvilSloth and Rimmer go...?

 

[the_rebel_medic]

internal Memo: Mr.15357 sir I won lotto and i would like to take a 2 day holiday to the bahammas (i think thats how you spell it) and i need your permission. I was going to take a friend to . that is if you want to go
anyway hoping for permission, a replacement to write about blowing up the citadel *pulls out some dynamite* and a buddy to come with me *cough* you *cough

The Rebel Medic

 

[kelvini]

i will do it!!*takes the_rebel_medic's dynamites*ill go!!*runs to citadel*okay...im here,FIYA IN DA HOLE!!*throws dynamite at a 62 angle at 2mph*...BOOM!!

Explosion At The Citadel
reports from alot of citizen's say that someone threw a dynamite at the citadel."i saw this guy,he looked like 1 of the repoter from D.C,but na,they would never do that..."said citizen #2412312,well,the combine will begin to find out who did it after they eat their lunch...more people say that the wanted guy "gordan freeman"is reponsible for this,"he blew up the citadel once,he wanna blow it up again??"said combine number #51264767...will they find out who did it?maybe no,maybe yes,more updates later...

that is all the news i have for now.

well,this is kelvini saying:no one did the report on the gun?aww man!!

 

[15357]

Sorry people but:

New Rules:

1. Good Grammer!
2. No "1337" or bad spelling
3. Titles must be in bold!
4. Internal memos should look like this:

-Internal Memo-
(space here)
(Input message here)

5. Good Grammer is a must!
6. Same as above.
7. Anyone who uses numbers as substitues will be fired.

-This has been enacted in order to make TDC a better newspaper-

 

[r2000]

Todays Mawman Forecast

Today, it looks like the City 17 containment barriers, will being do their job. However, since the rebels have caused our proud leaders to have to reign headcrabs down on them, a zombie alert is in effect today. All people are advised to stay at home, away from rebels, and call your local CP officer, if a zombie is spotted.
On a side note. Headcrab defense. The best way to protect against being headcrabbed, is to wear a metal trashcan over your head so that the headcrab can not actually latch on and take you over. If a friend or neighbor is headcrabbed, we recommend a short toss from the roof of your building ot the street. Please remember. Do not remove the headcrab. It will only attack you.

 

[15357]

Todays Mawman Forecast

Today, it looks like the City 17 containment barriers, will being do their job. However, since the rebels have caused our proud leaders to have to reign headcrabs down on them, a zombie alert is in effect today. All people are advised to stay at home, away from rebels, and call your local CP officer, if a zombie is spotted.
On a side note. Headcrab defense. The best way to protect against being headcrabbed, is to wear a metal trashcan over your head so that the headcrab can not actually latch on and take you over. If a friend or neighbor is headcrabbed, we recommend a short toss from the roof of your building ot the street. Please remember. Do not remove the headcrab. It will only attack you.

fine, but:

3. Titles must be in bold!

 

[15357]

*sighs*

Victory!

Martians! It was a name that put fear into many of us when we heard it.
But now we can all rest easy, as our own transhuman forces occupy their very homeworld of Mars!
For the continued safety of the Universal Union and all mankind!

Martian forces were decimated and their casulties lies in the biliions.

Current stats:
Mars: 4,513,393,399 KIA

Earth: 389,394 KIA
294,392,290 MIA
133,000,293 WIA

 

[Darkwolf]

Internal Memo:

Could the editor-in-cheif and cheif reporter please consault the DC archives and compile the newspapers best articles and ads.

- The Work Experience Kid

 

[Edcrab]

The Defenders of the Protectorate Speak Out

The Civil Protection Service has a poor reputation. Forced confessions, beatings, public executions for the slightest of offences... but recently I was offered the chance to put the record straight. A CP officer stopped me in the street and politely asked if I'd care to join his superiors in an open interview.

So I hobbled over to the CP HQ- dripping blood for no apparent reason- and I was given a friendly welcome by the on-duty guards.

When I regained consciousness I met #34-5c- a Friendly Information Extractor- who was more than glad to tell me about his daily routine.

"This is the perfect job for me," he tells me, gently removing the teeth of one of his clients, "because I feel that I'm doing something for the greater good. Plus, I really, really like hurting people." He gives me a plucked fingernail as a souvenir.

But, as #34-6a- his assistant- tells me, it's not all fun and games.

"People spit on us on the street, and shout abuse. We go over to them and explain how we work for their own betterment. Afterwards we make the alien bast- uh, I mean we ask the Vortigaunts to clear up the mess. That explains the red streaks outside, you see- that's just the stains left by the cleaning fluid. Uh, for washing off graffiti. Yeah."

"Grah-GAH," interrupts the office zombie, who affectionately tries to disembowel me. "Gah-HAAAA-hargg-gAAAaaAa!"

I'm encouraged to set him on fire, as he particularly likes the burning sensation behind his ears. Or rather where his ears used to be.

Afterwards my hosts take me to meet Lhu'kch, the Vortigaunt janitor. He doesn't say anything during my interview, but thanks to hand motions- frantic pointing to the guards- I get the impression that he's very happy with his lot. Afterwards I help him beat the zombie with his standard-issue broom. I got the slightly disturbing impression that the headcrabbed citizen enjoyed it.

Finally I'm taken to the barracks, to meet Commander Twelve-DC1 and his squadron.

"We conform to a strict schedule," he tells me, as we watch his squad use loud equipment to dispose of excess cardboard, which happens to be shaped like citizens and arranged behind a bar marked "Firing Range". "But we don't train in the ways many people expect. We're drilled in recycling rubbish, coping with civillian enquiries, to stroke fluffy rabbits... we don't so much as touch pulse rifles."

I'm allowed to follow his six-man squad to a civillian gathering, where dozens of men and women are loudly demanding vaccination against the SRD Syndrome.

"Even though they're being impolite and aggressive," Commander Twelve-DC1 tells me, "we have to deal with their requests."

He and his team proceed to distribute the vaccine, using loud, black dispensers, which appear to inject the relevant chemicals into the subjects by perforating them with white-hot projectiles.

"Once they wake up they'll feel much better," he tells me proudly. "But we'll have to ask Lhu'kch to clear up all the... ah... excess cleaning fluid."

It's clear these men couldn't possibly do a better job. Thanks to them, the citizenry's queries are answered, graffiti is cleared up with copious amounts of red cleanser, and the WTF SRD-variant Syndrome has been eradicated.

WTF?! WTF! ROTATE THAT FISH! WTF!!



Sorry it took so long team. I'm back at work for the next week: I might be home on Friday. GO DAILY CITIZEN!

 

[Darkwolf]

Today's Combine Approved Tip

All Your Base Are Belong to Us, There is No Chance For Survival, Make Your Time.