I have social problems (with girls). Is this normal or do I need professional help?

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CptStern said:
that could be the probelm right there


solving problems is not about conforming to what you want to hear ..it's about brutal honesty
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I want to know why I am waiting for someone to open my cage when the key is within my reach and noone is around. Why would I want to punish myself?
 
kngHenry said:
I want to know why I am waiting for someone to open my cage when the key is within my reach and noone is around. Why would I want to punish myself?
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I'm asking that myself....only you can unlock the door
 
wrong place ...like I've stated we cant do what you failed at ...if you cant there's only one person who can: you+psychiatrist
 
9 pages is alot to read, so I'll just read this one :p
I have your problem, to an extent. I could do so much to get out into the dating world, like party, go hang out with a bunch of people etc. But I chose not to. I sit at home at my computer, and date people from work *guh* or others that I know. I really...don't know hah. I guess everything in this whole thing is all about you. Stuff YOU need to do to fix it. Try getting out a bit.. I'm sure everything I've said was repeated before, but yeah, my 2 cents :p

If none of this is what you were talking about, just beat me up.
 
CptStern said:
wrong place ...like I've stated we cant do what you failed at ...if you cant there's only one person who can: you+psychiatrist
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I talked to a psychologist once, and I left her office feeling ten times worse.
 
kngHenry said:
I talked to a psychologist once, and I left her office feeling ten times worse.
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This is just my humble opinion but I don't think internet forums are a good place to look for help either. There are some people with good intentions in this thread (like me), but psychologists are the professionals. They aren't magicians that can make you feel better tho. The only one that can do that is yourself.
 
once? ...man therapy takes years ...look self confidence doesnt have to cost you big bucks ...the next time you're at a bar wait till near closing time ..there may be a few desperados that are looking to get laid and couldnt care less if you looked like don knotts ...that's a good start ...work your way up to resepectable relationship type women ...btw when you've hit on women ..are they above your league? or are you realisitic


a guy like don knotts will never get someone like this ...only wealth or power will get you that
 
Shakermaker said:
This is just my humble opinion but I don't think internet forums are a good place to look for help either. There are some people with good intentions in this thread (like me), but psychologists are the professionals. They aren't magicians that can make you feel better tho. The only one that can do that is yourself.
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To be honest with the amount a shrink charges these days you'd expect them to bloody well make you feel better.
 
Thats a good idea actually CptStern.

Start off slow. Go to a quiet pub and just sit at the bar and have a drink. I dont know how comfortable you are around other men, so just try and make a few aquaintances.

Im sure it would help to have some new friends. You can strike up conversations with women without getting arrested, im sure. So, talk to people without thinking about getting laid. Once you have a few new friends (and some female ones) you can start hitting on people.


You seem to want to know the cause of your problems, but sometimes thats not necessary. If I woke up one morning in an cage, I would unlock the cage before I wondered about how I got there. Its the same with you. Fix your immediate problems, then worry about how they started. Chances are once you've begun to fix them you will stop caring about how they began.

There are lots of nice people out there, go meet some of them.
 
CptStern said:
...btw when you've hit on women ..are they above your league? or are you realisitic


a guy like don knotts will never get someone like this ...only wealth or power will get you that
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I won't settle for anything less than that. Either I get what I want or I rather don't get anything at all. I bet you want me to settle with a fat chick right?
 
kngHenry said:
I won't settle for anything less than that. Either I get what I want or I rather don't get anything at all.
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Bingo. There's your problem. You, sir, have unrealistically high goals. You have no self-confidence (probably with some merit)... and yet you somehow think you should be dating supermodels.

... or did you mean you wouldn't settle for anything less than Don Knotts? If so, that reasonable. :E
 
hardly ...but think to yourself ...what would someone who looks like this want out of you? would she "settle" for you? you have to have something to offer


I think you're problem is you want the fillet mignon without ever having tried hamburger
 
kngHenry said:
I talked to a psychologist once, and I left her office feeling ten times worse.
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So you went to someone who wasn't a good fit. Try again. There are hundreds of therapists and psychologists out there. It might take a little looking around to find the right one, but in the end, if you find a good one it could make a world of difference.

The only problem is that all the psychological help in the world will not fix you until you want to change. Right now you might feel miserable, but apparently you don't quite feel miserable enough to want to change your situation. It's true that you are the only one who can fix the problem. A therapist could help you along considerably, but it has to be your decision to change.

There is something called "learned helplessness". Sounds like you have a classic case.

EDIT: I just read your response to CptSterns post. Why do you guys have to be that way? Is it always black or white for you? A supermodel or a "fat chick". It's sad that you only see women in that light.
 
tinyxipe said:
S
EDIT: I just read your response to CptSterns post. Why do you guys have to be that way? Is it always black or white for you? A supermodel or a "fat chick". It's sad that you only see women in that light.
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says who? I posted that in the hopes that he'd see that if he doesnt want to be judged on looks alone he shouldnt do the same
 
tinyxipe said:
There is something called "learned helplessness". Sounds like you have a classic case.
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Are you going to make me google it? :)


EDIT: I just read your response to CptSterns post. Why do you guys have to be that way? Is it always black or white for you? A supermodel or a "fat chick". It's sad that you only see women in that light.
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Are you a woman?
 
Are you really 25 years old? I'm not saying you lie about your age, it's just strange that a grown man like you can have problems talking to other human being. I used to be like you when i was like 13 (i'm 16 now), but then one day i woke up and realised that i get nothing out of my life.Now I dont want to have a girlfriend, I dont want to get laid, and unless you stop thinking about these things and just be yourself, these things will not happen to you.
 
Apologies Stern. I know not all men are that way and I didn't mean to generalize. ;) But you have to admit, it's not uncommon.

kngHenry, to both questions, yes I am. It would be good for you to take a little initative. That might be a good first step for you.
 
CptStern said:
hardly ...but think to yourself ...what would someone who looks like this want out of you? would she "settle" for you? you have to have something to offer
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she looks a bit like a man
 
tinyxipe said:
Apologies Stern. I know not all men are that way and I didn't mean to generalize. ;) But you have to admit, it's not uncommon.

kngHenry, to both questions, yes I am. It would be good for you to take a little initative. That might be a good first step for you.
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tinyxipe, your "learned helplessness" left me intrigued. So I did my homework and googled it. This is what I came up with:

----------------------------------
Learned helplessness:
Explanation for a human condition in which apathy and submission prevail, causing the individual to rely fully on others for help (just the fact that I posted this thread is a testament to this). This can result when life circumstances cause the individual to experience life choices as irrelevant.

Extremely predictable environments such as a total institution (ie: prisons, boot camps, boarding schools) and extremely unpredictable environments such as war, famine and drought may tend to foster learned helplessness.

People in a state of learned helplessness, view problems as personal, pervasive, or permanent. That is,

Personal - They may see themselves as the problem; that is, they have internalized the problem.
Pervasive - They may see the problem affecting all aspects of life.
Permanent - They may see the problem as unchangeable.
----------------------------------

This might be the answer I was looking for when I asked why I chose not to open my cage and instead waited for someone else to open it when noone was around. I have lived in an "unpredictable environment" (real or imaginary) for the last 8 years or so. Yup, those 3P's, well at least the last one for sure definitely apply to me. How did you learn about learned helplessness? Is there something else you would like to add?
 
Set realistic standards for yourself.

As Garfield once said, 'Im never going to live up to my expectations unless I do something about it! Starting today, im going to lower my expectations!'

Good Advice. :E
 
kngHenry said:
I won't settle for anything less than that. Either I get what I want or I rather don't get anything at all. I bet you want me to settle with a fat chick right?
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I guess 10 years of no social interaction with any females has warped you then, because you're NOT going to get a supermodel. Sorry.

Besides, when there is love involved, Jack is no judge of Jill's beauty.
 
RakuraiTenjin said:
Besides, when there is love involved, Jack is no judge of Jill's beauty.
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And the inverse, because otherwise, I'd be stuffed when it comes to women.

Rakurai's right, looks aren't the be-all and end-all.

-Angry Lawyer
 
kngHenry said:
How did you learn about learned helplessness? Is there something else you would like to add?
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I've always had an interest in psychology and there is someone in my life who is in the field. I've also spent quite a bit of time studying animal behavior, which often will parallel human behavior in many aspects.

The only thing I would like to add at this point is to repeat my earlier suggestion about not giving up on the idea of professional help. Each therapist or psychologist out there is an individual person and the chance of you finding someone you feel completely comfortable on the first visit is pretty slim. Don't give up though, if you really do want to change.

You might want to look for someone who specializes in cognative therapy. They will work with you to help you change your negative thought patterns and that's probably your worst enemy at the moment (exept maybe apathy ;)).

You can make all of these changes on your own if you are motivated enough, but a professional will help you focus yourself in the right direction.
 
According to Encarta:
learned helplessness: refusing to take charge: somebody’s failure to take action to make his or her life better, arising from a sense of not being in control.

Now I will quote myself from an earlier post:
kngHenry said:
I don't care if people think I am an idiot because I choose to be geeky and mind my own business, I am fully conscious of these actions and I am willing to accept the consequences, but I care when people think I am an idiot because I act like an idiot, like when I fail miserably to seduce a woman. Can you see the difference? In the first case I am in control, in the second case I am not.
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Maybe I am textbook example?
 
Everybody has 'learned helplessness' to some degree, human beings just like being in control of their lives.

Everybody fears embarrasment too, some just more than others.

Anyway, at least you have some things to focus on, and a fancy name for your problem. :E
 
tinyxipe said:
EDIT: I just read your response to CptSterns post. Why do you guys have to be that way? Is it always black or white for you? A supermodel or a "fat chick". It's sad that you only see women in that light.
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You're right, there's thin but just plain ugly chicks too.
 
Hmm... my mind really ignores the look if she's interesting to be around with. If she's boring, then there's no reason to be around her, unless she's hot.
 
Pesmerga said:
Hmm... my mind really ignores the look if she's interesting to be around with. If she's boring, then there's no reason to be around her, unless she's hot.
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You think like a woman.
 
kngHenry said:
You think like a woman.
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Um, while there are ways of thinking that are more feminine or masculine, that definately wasn't categorized in either way. You really need to reevaluate things, CybrMan was right on the money on warped perceptions.
 
OCybrManO said:
No, you've just got warped perceptions of reality.
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OCybrManO, NO -- you just haven't been through all the shit I have been though. You just don't know... Not only is English not my first language (think about my shyness talking to women, that right there doubles my chances of making an ass out of myself) but I also belong to an ethnic group that is not exactly the dominant group in America. I bet you didn't think of that one. So you don't know.
 
hmm... you need to try and take risks, try to change the way you live, or is this what you want to be for the rest of your life?
 
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