The Daily Citizen - a many people post newspaper

Status
Not open for further replies.
Well, I just got garrys :p anyway, lets get on with the story...

And darkwolf, how do you put a gun that acctually sticks onto a ragdoll, PM me

and dont redo em, MAKE NEW ONES!
 
LOST: Cat, tabby, brown paws. Answers to "Oedipuss". Please contact Citizen Gary Oman if you spot him. Last known location: By the generators, near the Sector 64 canals. Please report, my wife is aghast at the loss. I'm not kidding, she says she will emasculate me with her breadknife... she's got a mad look in her eyes... please help!!!!!
 
Writer loses all current work on his novel
Today, in a sad relization, writer the_rebel_medic has lost the fourth and fifth chapters from his novel in a cruel attack from his father. "It's gone...all gone" he said in an interview, "I was planning to release the next three chapters in bulk...but I never got to do the sixth and now it's all gone..." He then burst into tears.

While the writer used to detest his father, this has shifted it into overdrive, the mans Jack Thompson like views, coupled with his insistance that the writer was "Hiding violent games", the played alongside the fact that this has caused the writer to lose all his account privlages, the account itself and any work that was found inside it is too much for the writer to handle.
"Chapters 1-3 have been safely stored around the places, but chapters four and five will have to be rewritten, it'll probably also be radicaly different."
Mr. Medic refused to give any further comments.

The young novelist's database containing the names for a company of soldiers has also been damaged. He currently now must redo all art pieces for the support staff, redo the ranking system and remember which characters were KIA. While the writer's closest friends have rallied around him, helping him in a plan to kill his father, it's unlikely to come to fruition. When we interviewed his friend over CMSN (Combine Messenger Service Network) we discovered the plans.
"It's really quite simple" our source said, "He gets an air rifle, makes a pellet out of ice and fires it point blank into his dad's eye. The bullet will melt, leaving only water, it's perfect. It has to be an air rifle because a standard rifle would melt the bullet, but it should still have enough punch to take out the target. Tell this to the police and I'll break your legs." Indeed, his network of buddies appears to be a mafia of sorts.

It must be said that this plan wasn't formulated with the help of violent games, the writer mearly thinks about killing his dad a lot.

I'm Very Angry, signing off

TDC News by TRM.
 
Jintor's Self-help Column!
"Raawwwrrr.... rarwwwrrr... raaarrarhrghhh..."

1) "I have constant thoughts about murdering my own father. Is this wrong?" - HeWhoHeals

Dear, HeWhoHeals,

It should be noted that parents have nurtured you from conception, to neuralisation, all the way to the bit where you got conquered by the Combine. So really, is killing your father the best way to go about repaying him for his time and effort? No, the best thing to do is to help him help others - give him a Headcrab. He'll love the way the adorable things stick to his head and won't let go.
 
*raises salaries for every writer that has written after post #1065*
 
News from the front​

The slaughter in City 17 continues ​
Fire fights have been reported all over town and a Combine containment area has been over runned by the headcrabs raising the Combine casualties by another hundred.
Headcrab casualties are yet to be reported as they are just too many but come close to ten thousand.

During all this insanity i was able to get a really fast interview with Heady Lamarr.

Evisk : Can you tell me what will you do now since the Combine have stated they won't hand over Azner and they can't find Gordon Freeman ?
Lamarr : We will fight to the last headcrab and destroy the Combine and their pitiful Citadel.
Evisk : Aren't you worried that you are taking a lot of casualties ?
Lamarr : Yes that is an unfortunate set back but now we have found host bodies of fallen combine and other humans and we will use them against the Combine and turn the tide of the battle.
Evisk : Well thank you for the interview Lamarr but it seems your brethren don't like me that much "cocks shotgun" ALRIGHT YOU FOUR LEGGED FREAKS!Who's first!

TDC's crew with the help of a squad of two dozen CP officers managed to hold out against a hundred infested civilians (zombies).Six CP officers gave thier lives during this fight.
And one of our reporters Sarah 987324987 has gone missing in the town of Ravenholm after her interview with a Mr. FOOOOD.
TDC's chief editor 15357 has stated that he will organize a search and rescue party if Sarah is not found in the next forty-eight hours.

We weren't permitted to Dr.Breen's office this time as Overwatch had blockaded the entrance to his office.

This is far from over and we will keep you informed as things progress.
 
For Sale:

One teleportation device. Near perfect condition minus a few blood stains and brain matter. Perfectly safe. Selling for 5000 credits. Call 0800-1234-5678
 
Im not in Combine custody dammit, Im leading the Combine against the HEadcrabs, Well im leading the tanks acctually, well, i guess ill go back to my office

Sits down, grabs a cookie and writes about the revolution

Headcrab Revolution


I have just gotten a great interview with a vortigaunt.
Azner: So hows it going with this war and militia thing.
Vortigaunt: *chants*
Azner: I undertstand that means you're charging your vortessence
Vortigaunt:*Fires vortricity at a bunce of headcrabs* This is bad, if we dont stop them, TDC will be runned over by headcrabs in 3 days time
Azner: Woah, so does that mean we should blockade up our building?
Vorigaunt: Erm yeah.

This is Azner singing on TDC Television Signing off. *Headcrab lunges, static on the camera*
 
LOST: a antlion is very friendly as long as u have therapods.last known location in the city 17 circle tearing apart headcrabs that were swarming around comes to the name anty if found go to 234 apartment 4 its near the citidel. reward is a plasma rifle. And if anty kills u its not my fault u should have had therapods.
 
HEy can i join the miltary please please i hate headcrabs they nasty. i want to be in the military.
 
Antlion nests are safe for hiding from us, says CP.

In the wake of the mass migration from City 17, Civil Protection officer c3pO-r2d2 had this to say -

"I REEALLY hope those pesky rebels dont hide in antlion nests, y'know....'coz those nests are really safe...and we could never find them there....yep...rebels hiding in those antlion nests will definitely escape a horrible, gruesome death..."

Our correspondent from City 11 also reports that the Combine overlords are NOT planning a swift and sweeping retaliation to wipe out every trace of humankind off earth. And when the contingent of Hunter synths appear on earth, human citizens are kindly requested to form ranks in open ground and allow the synths to surround them.

TDC has the personal assurance of advisor no. #3442A0 that the citizens will NOT be executed or harmed in any way.

NOTE: This writer has not been coerced into writing pro-Combine material.
 
for sale A nice fast airboat top speed 70 miles per hour. has some blood and guts on the front of it but its easy to clean off. great for escaping city17 in the water ways and has a mounted gun for protection. if u would like to buy call 756-888-2343 or find me in the canals.
 
ELITE COMBINE said:
can i join ya military please? I wanna be a combine person.
Click to expand...

Please refrain from merely walking into our offices and yammering at us; this will result in instantaneous decapitation. Instead, why not phrase your request in a letter, interview or haiku?
 
You uh, write it. Like you do a.... letter.


You do know how to write a letter, right? :)
 
Oh u mean on here ok. Dear wtf ever ya name is I would like to join ya army and help fight the headcrabs and zombies here is my past jobs. Job 1 scientist at black mesa level 6 destructive materials. Job 2 owner of the ravenholm cafe(reasons for quiting town was overun with zombies and cafe was burned) Job 3 worked at the citadels core keep it from blowing up. thats my past jobs. im relieble and im good with heavy weapons of mass destruction and I have my own headcrab bashing crowbar. please alow me to join I would be a good solider. from EC
 
You need to learn to space your letters or articles, and use correct punctuation first. :p

and don't double post.
 
RE: Daily Citizen application.​

Dear Potential Journalist/Meat Shield,

This letter is an example of the kind of punctuation and spelling expected from an application to work at the Daily Citizen newspaper. As you can see, the whole application demonstrates correct spacing and grammar and is in a relatively formal language.

The application itself should be roughly three full paragraphs long to be considered noteworthy, and failure to comply will result in the application to be ignored. Should you not comply with standard application procedures, you will be humiliated by the DC and FAX news corporations, as the staff of both point and laugh at you. After such hilarity has passed, you will then be decapitated and barred from city 17, as stated by UU Media by-law #12-829Y.

As I’m sure you can see by now, you must demonstrate a high level of understanding of any language of your choosing, as well as the ability to communicate that understanding. Failure to do so will result in your self-esteem taking severe punishment. For more examples of writing styles in the newspaper, just look around the DC’s extensive archives. (previous pages)

Thank you for taking note of these short, but vital pointers. Please make sure you adhere to them.

Sincerely,
Darkwolf
 
Well, I think darkwolf put it rather nicely. :)
 
Sorry for the horse blugeoning, but you need to drill it into some peoples heads. Would you like me to create a thread, with that letter at the head? I can get it stickied and force people to read it..

I had some free time, so I did a quick garry's mod shot. With the COMPULSORY editing. :p Enjoi.

The Rebel Medic fends off a "protestor".

rebmedub3.png


Sorry for the crappy gun pose, but I realised all too late (aka, after I'd closed garry's mod) that I misplaced the trigger and it's respective finger. Also, I'm still figuring out the advanced use of face poser... so he ended up with a bored look on his face... rather then a sort of grimace, which I was aiming for... :p
 
I'm a good writer, can I depend on some notice around here? I try at least. And I'm okay with punctuation and with spelling.
 
Aurora said:
Breaking news!
This is Sarah number 987324987 with a special report from Ravenholm. Today, at 6 am a conflict took place in the main square of this overrunbyzombiestown. Over than a hundred hungry and bloody zombies came out on the main square to tell their protests against Citadel's actions. May I remind you that two days ago Citadel announced that they will be no longer supplying Ravenholm with fresh rebels and nail polish. The zombies organized a strike, gathered MANY red signatures and refused to eat rebels for the profit of CPs. Here is a short interview with the strikers leader, Mr. FOOOOD
S987324987: Are you going to continue your protests?
Mr. FOOOOD: Ouuuaahh!
S987324987: And do you think that your strike will be successful? Do you think that CItadel will continue supply zombies with extra strong Super Combine nail polish?
Mr. FOOOOD: YEAAHHH! F.........AK! ZOMbie FOOoooooD! ZOMBIE POLISH! Combine TASTYYiiiii! Saraaaahh snaaaaaack!
As you can see, zombies are really optimistic about this strike and quite ambitious about the profit they can get from it. Reporters aren't actually rebels, so zombies made quite a tasty meal out of my two colleagues here, so I better get going. I'll keep you informed about the further situation.
Click to expand...

Well, from what you posted before, your imagination certainly seems... well equipped. Just make sure that you space out your articles and present them in a manner that makes them easy to read. See an example below.

Breaking news!

This is Sarah number 987324987 with a special report from Ravenholm! Today, at 6 AM a conflict took place in the main square of this overrunbyzombiestown. Over than a hundred hungry and bloody zombies came out to the main square to tell their protests against Citadel's actions.

May I remind you that two days ago Citadel announced that they will be no longer supplying Ravenholm with fresh rebels and nail polish. The zombies organized a strike, gathered MANY red signatures and refused to eat rebels for the profit of CPs. Here is a short interview with the strikers leader, Mr. FOOOOD

S987324987: Are you going to continue your protests?

Mr. FOOOOD: Ouuuaahh!

S987324987: And do you think that your strike will be successful? Do you think that CItadel will continue supply zombies with extra strong Super Combine nail polish?

Mr. FOOOOD: YEAAHHH! F.........AK! ZOMbie FOOoooooD! ZOMBIE POLISH! Combine TASTYYiiiii! Saraaaahh snaaaaaack!

As you can see, zombies are really optimistic about this strike and quite ambitious about the profit they can get from it. Reporters aren't actually rebels, so zombies made quite a tasty meal out of my two colleagues here, so I better get going. I'll keep you informed about the further situation.
Click to expand...
 
Aurora said:
I'm a good writer, can I depend on some notice around here? I try at least. And I'm okay with punctuation and with spelling.
Click to expand...

Welcome, dear si-... er ma'am? Anyway, welcome to the TDC, conscript. :D
 
Since when did we become a military force? We need something to spur more quality articles which can be likened to the genius of AJ Rimmer... ah yes, those were the days...
 
Well, I like calling people conscripts. :p


Indeed, those were the glory days of the TDC.
 
The Daily Citzen

A Many People News Paper
December 3rd, 2018

Plans for the New Year
It was announced early today that there will be few plans to celebrate the new year. Few plans indeed because of the controversial issues about a merry celebration this year. Officials ask 'Are these citzens, after much drama and war, ready for such a happy celebration? We've had some very interesting ideas to boost morale, but are they ready?'

Unfortunately, we were only able to get one concept, and highly supported plan for this year's possible celebration. The population, few and small, only needs a limited space for such an event, so it has been planned that, using converted Combine APCs, guests and citzens will be transported to the former site of Nova Prospekt near the coast. A strider will be on display with many other Combine technology. One strider is planned to be stood against the cliff over looking the beach. Implanted in its empty shell will be many former combine Pulse rifles which, through a unique firing system, will all be simoultaneously fired as a replacement for the once popular 'fire works'. Construction is already underway and we expect a great and, hopefully, enjoyful celebration.

_________________________________________________________________

City 17 Weather

Today
Hi: 25dgs. C with 17% rebellion
Lo: 3dgs. C with a possible hailstorm of debris
_________________________________________________________________
The Rebellion Needs YOU!!!
Do you wake, everyday, praying for a day of peace? Do you have no family that needs your care? Are you ready to be teleported wherever and whenever humanity needs you?

Then Join the rebellion! Instantly be trained by City 17's greatest military specialists, get hands on training, and fight for the right thing. Sign up now, and you could receive your very own Pulse Rifle!

The recruitment commity does not accept responsibility for death, amputation, or (if you're lucky) injuries. The pulse rifle offer expires January 1 2019 after the Nova Prospekt celebration.
 
Headcrabs retreat

Today Headcrabs all over City 17 retreated as TDC's newest reporter and pilot Evisk bombarded the little bastards with cinder blocks.
Althought building also sustained damage from this unexpected and rather strange tactic it has undoudtedly solved this long conflict
and found a use for all the cinder blocks TDC reporters have been storing in the basement.
The bombardment wasn't without a cost CP unit #45867 lost his life during a misfire by TDC's reporter Evisk who said had mistaken him for a Zombie.
It was later found out he had just been goofing around with a dead headcrab in a attempt to scare his fellow squard members and that caused the misfire.

Christmas is coming and our Combine Overlords are giving the citizens of City 17 the best gift of all A Free Beating.
On the 25 of december you just need to go to the Combine Overwatch HQ and ask Combine Santa for your gift.
It comes in three types : with a shockstick, with the butt of shit weapon or with a cinder block which has been provided by TDC's own secret supply of cinder blocks.


-Eh no muse on this one :< need more caffeine
 
Headcrabs demand Protected Status

"It's shocking", declared headcrab #42269, "how Combine soldiers, resistance soldiers and orange-suited people kill hundreds of headcrabs, yet no one bats an eyelid! Where is the SPCA? Where are the animal rights activists?

"Headcrabs have always put the needs of humans before their own, helping in removing decomposing bodies by eating them, keeping the population in check by zombifying them, and helping to flush out rebels by being shot in shells. Yet when we demand a bit of fresh meat and come to the city, everyone acts like it's a big deal, and start killing us!! It's a travesty of justice!"

The translator during this interview, none other than the sensational Hedy Lamarr, said she sympathises with the 'crabs plight.

In a related incident, Antlion Guard #445AD7 demanded equal rights as the headcrabs, saying that antlions must be allowed into cities; additionally he requested the Combine Advisory Council on earth to modify the Combine penal code, to make using Thumpers a jailable or stalkerizable offence.

This is 99.vikram, TDC.
 
Internal Memo
To: Evisk; Ophiguris; Aurora
Re: New Offices

As I'm sure you are aware, there are multiple vacant (discounting the deceased) offices in the DC HQ, but they are all still in lockdown since our last system crash. Previously, it was possible to eat through the containment doors; however they were replaced before the last lockdown. Additionally, if we were to somehow break through the doors we would unleash Pandora’s Box... or at least, hordes of radioactive, untamed internal memos.

The point of this memo is to inform you that the construction of your offices has been postponed until we can root out the culprit who stole our stocks of cinder blocks and until we can raise enough funds to acquire more cinder blocks. For now you will have to make do with the cubicles in toilet block, 16B. If you have any information relating to this theft, please inform me. We spent a long time gathering those blocks for you, and I'm sure you wouldn't use them as weapons or anything, so you certainly are not suspects.

If you would like to attempt to take up residency in one of the vacant offices, here is a short list of the problems you would most likely have to overcome:
  • Radioactive Mutated Internal Memos
  • An AWOL Debian server, which controls the lockdown
  • Various rooms with occupants featuring exploded bladders or stomachs
  • Headcrabs wearing combine elite helmets
  • AJ Rimmer (he disappeared a long time ago, we believe he got locked in an office. If you were to find him, your pay would be raised substantially)

Sorry for the inconvenience, and again, thank you for working with TDC.

[INSERT RANK HERE]
Darkwolf

Additional: I think it is time for the Editor-in-chief to assign ranks and positions again.
 
Internal Memo
To: ALL

Jintor - Writer-in-Chief
TRM - Chief of Security
Darkwolf, Riomhaire - TDC Executive.
Azner - TDC Protective Guard
Ophiguris, Evisk, 99.vikram - Junior Assistant of TDC Executives.

And everyone else should be... employee. Unless I missed someone.
 
Lol, it can be assumed that everyone is a journalist? I'd like to apply to be a photographer!
 
Daily Citizen Shakeup
"Or possibly Shakedown..."

DC Headquarters, 9:52AM - Alas, woe is us, for our estemed editor 13537 - or "Numbers" as we here at the Daily Citizen call him - has decided it is once again time to shake up our offices. Jobs were moved, headcrab riots covered, and people moved from cubicle to... some sort of drained-out swimming pool, in the case of this Editor-In-Chief. Nevertheless, we persevere under the gaze of the All-Seeing eye, Great Editor Numbers. All hail Great Editor Numbers and his Harmoneous Rule of 1,000.23 years!

Exactly how Great Editor Numbers has managed to perform this intricate operation remains under speculation. I personally advocate that Great Editor Numbers possesses psychic powers, comparable (though not equal) to that of the Majestic and Benevolent Advisors of the Universal Union, whilst rogue elements of our staff *coughrebelmediccough* spread dirty, foreign rumours of some sort of, quote, "Gravity Gun". Whilst many insiders at the DC have reported seeing Great Editor Numbers clutching some sort of blue glowing device, and inside information from the Rebel base about some sort of "Zero-Point-Energy Manipulator", the two devices mentioned appear to have no form of correlation or even similarities, and this nonsensical theory can be safely debunked. In any case, Great Editor Numbers has managed the unthinkable: he has shot random people around the office without causing some sort of massive City-wide revolution.

This alone is to be applauded. In a city-wide crackdown on correct Grammar and Spelling today, various applicants to the Daily Citizen have been shot, maimed or otherwise made to obey the letter(s) of the various alphabets Great Editor Numbers chooses. Insiders say that his next alphabet of choice shall be binary, and have offered odds accordingly: 010001001/01010010.
 
Christmas Memo.

I made a garrys christmas poster, please do not leak this into outside areas.I will post them on christmas on off topic and here.

Please do not leak this out.

I have decided we should all make out merry posters and post them.

Please take this seriously and do not let out the secret. Let this be a surprise.

Azner.


Following events:

Surrendering Of Headcrab Mastermind Godfather: Lumby Crabbo
TDC Christmas Party.(Listed Above.)
 
Headcrab Mastermind Godfather :
"You'll never get me alive, see? Muahahahaha!!!"

Today, the leader of the headcrab's new political agenda, a 'crab known in headcrab circles only as "The Crabmaster" sent a videotape to the office of the Daily Citizen, containing a message to all the anti-crab groups on post-apocalyptic earth. He dared any of his political opponents to take him out, and declared his continuing allegiance to the cause of his fellow headcrabs. He also stated his confidence that none of his rivals could 'pin the rap' on him for the illegal activites headcrab gangs have been involved in recently, including vandalising all the pro-combine propaganda in Cities 12,19 and 22. If captured, he faces life without parole.

The tape showed the leader 'crab in a cave with a couple of his loyal followers toting sub-machine guns and plasma rifles, all wearing masks over their compound eyes to avoid identification. The tape ended with the Crabmaster issuing a personal threat to Gordon Freeman, saying that "Gonarch's sacrifice will not go to waste!"

- 99.vikram, TDC
 
Pictured Below:
The Crabmaster during his announcement earlier today. The Crabmaster’s controversial broadcast angered many fans of the regular 'Breen Show' leading to a huge decline in the popularity of the Headcrab Movement. The broadcasted tape was proven to be the tape sent to the DC earlier in the week. Picture by: Darkwolf

crabfatherannounyp6.png


Hmm... what is your opinion of using the greyscale for newspaper photos? I think it gives it a more... authentic feel. Although mabye I should tone down the granulation.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Similar threads

Krynn72
You guys, what the **** is up.
Replies
11
Views
2K
Tollbooth Willie
Tollbooth Willie
TechnoHippyChic
Star Citizen
Replies
3
Views
1K
Tollbooth Willie
Tollbooth Willie
TechnoHippyChic
If you post it, they will come...
2
Replies
63
Views
7K
TechnoHippyChic
TechnoHippyChic
Tollbooth Willie
To Those That Stand, Those That Fell
Replies
6
Views
2K
Tollbooth Willie
Tollbooth Willie
TechnoHippyChic
The Many Diversions of THC's Work Lunches
Replies
3
Views
2K
TechnoHippyChic
TechnoHippyChic
Back
Top