The Daily Citizen - a many people post newspaper

[Sloth]

-- Internal Message --
As I began my hike back to City 17 i saw the smoke rise from the Citadel, rockets exploding at it's side. I quickly got out my telescope and pointed it towards the top of the Citadel, upon the main core of Citadel I swore I could see and orange suited man...

The flames and sounds of fighting rose from the city, gunshots and thundering booms echoed throughout the countryside. I smiled, time to say hello to an old friend of mine. War. The last one only lasted 7 Hours, even that was about eight years ago. The reporter inside me raced at the thought of shell shocked gunfights, or of the mad rush when stories went to print.

Helmets on people, it's time for the good old "War Reporting."

/me slaps on a Kevlar Helmet and fishes out his Camera.

Better start sometime.

 

[15357]

--Internal Message--

TRM, you = fired.


FIRED!

Anyway, if you don't want to get fired, please pay the fine of 200 billion CC for damages to the citadel. And as for my clone that had been executed while I was in a meeting with the Administrator, will have a nice funeral.

 

[Jintor]

Monkey shoots cat!

Unsolicited spam detected.

 

[the_rebel_medic]

/me writes a check.
Fine

 

[15357]

/me writes a check.
Fine

That was just 5% of your paycheck and bonus for this week.

 

[the_rebel_medic]

As in the price or what I paid?

/me begins writting check for withdrawel from pension but doesn't sign it

 

[TwIsTeD]

Searching for Game master for Journey To Xen a Half Life 2 rpg apply on fourum

 

[Jintor]

Launching: Newbifier

Warning: inability to spell detected. Large Missile Launched.

 

[WacK]

Headcrab found in burger!

A headcrab was found in a citizens burger this morning, it resulted in a few zombifications, but no one died painfully, police is still trying to find the headcrab, but unfortunately with no luck untill now...

 

[the_rebel_medic]

Internal Memo:

Sorry, thought he might actually make a good article
I'll take him out, now wheres my M14, THERE IT IS

/me breathes innnn and ouuut
squeeeeeze the trigger
BLAMO

All done

 

[15357]

TOP SECRET! FOR EXECUTIVE OFFICERS' EYES ONLY

DC Income: 933 Trillion CC

Salaries:
Jintor: 200,001 CC per week
TRM: 184,034,000,000 CC per week.
...
...

/change 'TRM' to 200,001
..

Changed.

/ADD BONUS 200,000 to 'TRM'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey, TRM? About your salaries......

 

[WacK]

Internal Memo:

Sorry, thought he might actually make a good article
I'll take him out, now wheres my M14, THERE IT IS

/me breathes innnn and ouuut
squeeeeeze the trigger
BLAMO

All done

BLAMO.. HAHAHA !! LOOOL Priceless

 

[Sloth]

-- Internal Message --
/Spam Detected?
"Was that Spam?"

 

[WacK]

-- Internal Message --
/Spam Detected?
"Was that Spam?"

lollish

 

[Boogymanx]

More spam to come!
I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

 

[Jintor]

Opinion

Combine in Trouble: Market Shares falling, Grenades also

'We need more lumber!' 'We need gold!' How often have you heard these iconic phrases? Well, more and more, since the combine took over. The demand for gold and lumber - as well as the need to 'build more farms!' - has risen considerably in the last months ever since the hostile takeover by the Combine.

Why? you may ask. What does the corperate merger by the Combine have to do with the price of gold in Azeroth? Well, experts say 'ow ow ow ow please stop beating me ow'. Slightly more reputable experts note that the lack of gold and lumber is directly linked to the near extinction of the human race and could you please stop shooting my legs, thanks. Obviously with the near extinction of the human race AND massive retrenchment there are not enough workers to mine gold, or chop lumber, or possibly even build farms!

Even worse is that gunships are very, very food-hungry, and in terms of cost-effectiveness they don't perform as well as the average strider. The average strider needs only about 5 food and 1,000,000CC, and also has the special ability 'impale' whereupon in stabs a targeted enemy unit, dealing damage, and, if it should kill them, provides really pretty graphics. But the gunship costs 7 food and 2,500,000CC, flies around, and due to a lack of experienced pilots tends to be non-recoverable when shot down (occassionally exploding in the air and entirely dissappearing, with no debris ever found. Ever).

What can we do? There is only one real option: Pressure groups. We must appeal to the Combine to stop this crazy, stupid merger and revert back to seperate companies; they must step up their hiring, retraining and benefits scheme (the benefits scheme needs particular re-working) and they must make sure that everything they do is eco-friendly.

All responsibility for this article is not the DC's. Opinions expressed rarely coincide with the Daily Citizen's views, and if they do it's by accident.

 

[Darkwolf]

City-17's #1 Newspaper Revived

>In a shocking revelation City-17's #1 Newspaper has been revived. The first actual article in a few weeks as been released re-affixing the greatness of this >glorious propaganda channel.
>
>In the news:
> - Blizzard share prices skyrocket when the government purchuse three million copies of their popular video game "Worldwarcraft 7", This news release has many >new features such as GM mortality. >Examples include the clicking of CP's will cause one to come to your house and beating you to death while shouting "STOP >[BEEP]ING POKING ME YOU [BEEP]ING ANTI-CITIZEN"
>
> - Worldwide rebellion crushed 2 days after governments record purchuse of video games. Several DC writers go undercover to avoid government wrath. (It's not >me... *COUGH*)
>
> - In the process of the full scale rebellion that old fart Dr. Breen was assasinated by a funny looking man in an orange suit. During the succesful assasination half >of the citadel was blown off... again.
>
> - Later th- (knocking in the distance) excuse me (walks off)
>"Why hello office- ARG, OOF, MY LEGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
>
>...2 minutes later...
>
>END TRANSMISION

 

[15357]

Please Note:

Darkwolf has been arrested by the CCIA (Combine Central Intelligence Agency).
He may not be here tommorow.
Dr.Breen is alive and well.
There are no MIT graduates in orange clothes roaming the city.
There is only one Qoul-reck armored combat assistance vehicle in City 17.

Thank you.

 

[Jintor]

Shock Arrests Shock All!

That was the point, says Official

Surprise raids on residents have risen by almost 5048% since the Daily Citizen and its short-lived rival FAX News began publication, experts revealed in one of the more electrifying revelations at the '2043 Boring Facts Expo'. The Expert involved was later raided by Combine, in an apparent ambush.

The people's anger was clearly heard yesterday, as the amount of people buying World of Normality [By Blizzard Entertainment] dropped sharply to a record low of about 1,000,000 people per square metre. Dr Breen is reported to have commented 'Enjoy the feeling as every particle in your body is destroyed in every way possible and some that are fundamentally IMPOSSIBLE! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!' Combine officials however maintain that he was merely practicing for the '2043 Supervillian Expo', to be attended by such August figures as Dr. Evil and Munro.

We interviewed captured reporter Darkwolf on his position after the shock relevations.

"Mmmme.mmm....mmm...arrrrr.....rgggrtrfrgr....addd....d..a.d.g..r.r.r.r.r.rrrsrrr.....' he said, attempting to knaw on this reporters arm, adding 'ggtarrjlk...rjlkjldkjd....jjglskkkd...dkd.'

More as it comes.

 

[Darkwolf]

Mnar ggggrffff fromeffffffff

Moerfe afkms apkdkaaf?
mmmmk mefklamfleshnsakj ksajjasf sjfakjfs asksadjmdksapkd.

Thats right Darkwolf.
Well this is Darkwolf's associate here to tell you that the DC's little known but very talented... work experience kid has now became a savage rampaging beast. It is suspected that some sort of twisted Combine experiment made him like this.

By looking for trends and connections in his victims, CCIA agents suspect that any person that as previously written an article for well known newspaper, Daily Citizen, and has not written one for over a month will be grotesckly staked and mauled against a wall.

People already found like this include bat_lyubo. The known rebel, kelvini, and r2000. However in a shocking turn of events the CCIA found the body of DC editor-in-cheif, 15357, staked and mauled on a wall. His body has been taken away for... examination. He may not be here tommorow.

 

[15357]

When I was once again in a meeting with the administrator, some people have thought that It would be funny to make a real life statue of me and stake it on a wall. Please do not do that again. :E

 

[Jintor]

Uh... yeah... statue. Not clone. Statue... yeah.

 

[15357]

Loading TDC.rom
...
....

Loaded.
Accessing mainframe.
...
Done.

/lockdown #125 ~ #329 AND Jintor-workspace/ec92q
processing.
...
...
...
Done.

 

[Jintor]

>logging on:

Username?
>Jintor

Password?
>********

Login Denied: Editor control online.

>&8948399f98dhdkllk34udjklndsflfsi9dsfflksjkldfaewopiewupdfp[*9-r32

Welcome: 15357
>activate self-destruct

Self-destruct activated. WARNING WILL DESTROY CITY Activate self-destrucy y/n

>y

Self-destruct initiated.

>release level 99 Security Locks

WARNING: SELF-DESTRUCT IN PROGRESS Releasing Security locks will prevent muffins from being delivered y/n?

>....n

 

[Darkwolf]

lols!!

 

[15357]

>Kill All processes
....
....
....

Done.

>Change password
DOne.

 

[the_rebel_medic]

>Initiate Lv2 Staff Demotion

Staff input...
Jintor
Staff input accepted, Demoting
New staff level...?
Writer
Confirmed, Demote Pay...
Await editor command on proxy x1152315357
Confirmed, Current command....
n
Confirmed, have a nice day

 

[Jintor]

>System Mainframe activate

System Mainframe... activated.

>Initialise confuzzle sub-system 52

Confuzzle Sub-System 52... initialising... activated.

>Initialise Confuzzle Sub-System 53

Confuzzle Sub-System 53... activated. Have a nice day.

Receiving server request update protocol 4937. WARNING:---ARTICLES NEEDED FOR PRINT RUN 5----

>exit

System exited. Thank you, Jintor.

---------------------------Internal Memo------------------------------

Please contribute to the DC.

-------------------------------End-------------------------------------

 

[the_rebel_medic]

Jintor Hacks Mainframes!

Today in The Daily Citizen, Pre-lead writer Jintor accesed and 'Confuzzled' the main system servers. We asked the great god almighty 15357 to comment.

TRM: Mr editor *drops to knees and hail* in your oh wisest opinion, would you say that Jintor acted irrationaly
15357: *shines light on HOS TRM* Indeed my loyal subject, the matter on pay deduction was absolute, he would have stayed at a steady pay mount
TRM: Thankyou for that now what is your decision
15357: *returns to heaven/office*

And there we go, we are still currently awaiting his god almighty instructions

 

[15357]

*spasms*

 

[the_rebel_medic]

/me gasps

CLEAR
zzzzttttt
THWUMP

/me listens

He's OK

YAY for medics

 

[Jintor]

Nonsensical Medic saves boss!

Gets raise, should also be playing nationstates

 

[15357]

After 40pgs of news, spam, and mutated radioactive internal memos, I regret to announce that this is the END of the DC. Thank you all for your support.....






Unless you post, that is.

 

[Darkwolf]

DC Revived

This article announces that DC has been revived! MWAHAHAHAHAHA

 

[the_rebel_medic]

Does this mean your the Editor now?

 

[Darkwolf]

uh..... what do you think? *shifty eyes*

 

[Sloth]

You have my vote.
New Editor *cough*Dictator*cough*, for a new age!

 

[15357]

*calls NKVD*


ahem. Darkwolf won't be here tommorow.

 

[Darkwolf]

\terminate removal processes: Darkwolf

...........Pending............ Confirmed

\\15357\scan

.......scanning......scan complete

Editor-in-cheif is located in top office, no decoys detected.

\flood head office: Nueral Gas: LBX-782K
*Please Enter Password: *****************
...
Accepted

Flood complete

 

[15357]

*takes antitoxins and gasmask*