The Daily Citizen - a many people post newspaper

Status
Not open for further replies.
Hey! 1-1! You guys forgot the rad suits!
 
Team 1-1 out of action, requesting backup, repeat. Code 9 on Highway 17, squad 17-9 please respond. All remaining units stay put. Code 3 in space-time junction, fracture imminant. Warning - do not touch briefcases.
 
Suicide Time Bombers Strike Again

PSA, 53rd September 2013 BC. -21:43 PM

After the shocking destuction of the citadel and the subsequent freezing of time, a number of cultists have previously attacking key locations around the city with breifcase time bombs. Caution should be taken at check outs as you may get charged twice for the same thing.

Also it appears that due to the continual detonation of time bombs this universe's time lines will been set in dissarry. Also it appears that due to the continual detonation of time bombs this universes time lines will been set in dissarry. Time may repeat itself or take its self out and reasert itself or jump around alot, please ignore these phenomenon, please ignore these phenomenon, as the worst that could happen is that you could die infinate times.

Caution should be taken at check outs as you may get charged twice for the same thing. Remember to check your cultists every time you leave the store.

While writing this article it appears the dockets have struck again five minutes ago in the future. Please stay alert and not alarmed and remember to keep you poultry with you at all times, this is important as you may need it to gaurd any food sources you may have from looters that attempted to steal them 2 hours ago by coming in when you werent there 6 years into the future. Example food sources may include sidearms. This being the more difficult as it keeps wondering away from you or getting eaten by fly swats that teleport in through the confusion. These can also be countered by headcrabs.

This is a DC Headquaters from Public Service Anouncement.

Enjoy the rest of yesterday

-D

(Is this the first proper article since its resurection??? GET WRITING PEOPLE!!!! on a side note for more stories and so on, the citadel HAS of now been blown up.

Have fun people)
 
Yea like three times :P

Alyx Vance Discovers New Carrear

Today in a shocking turn of events, daughter of renowned rebel scientest, Alyx Vance has become a stripper at an exclusive club. The most known entry prone person since the change have been Gordon Freeman and Judith Mossman. Judith Mossman had attempted to also make the change but was rufesed on the grounds of Being Male

Keep watching the news

TRM
Editor
 
WARNING: Last story posted was obscene/and or highly painful to the mind.

Stay alert, not alarmed.

Squad 12 to Editor's office, repeat squad 12 to editor's office, we have a filthy mind. Use section 51 tear gas, repeat tear gas.
 
NOTICE


The editor's name has changed from 15357 to 153957. WTF?!@#@!?!?@?!?
 
Report
Chief Editor of The Daily Citizen has now changed his Combine Security Number from '15357' to '153957. WTF?!@#@!?!?@?!?' . This recent change shocked most of us and we are not pleased at all.
 
Warning, we have challenger for alpha male, repeat challanger for alpha male: Bath salts needed. Code 14 on carpet, squad 6 down, repeat, squad 6 down, all remaining units look for food.
 
sorry

/shoots TRM with Steyr SPP, loaded with silver hollow point armour piercing rounds with 2 mega ton nuclear warheads in the hollow bit, shoots everything resembling him in any way whatsoever everywhere in the world 6 times and returns to the chard and broken original body to shoot it a further 24 times


-hahaha escape that
 
Good job, darkwolf. Promoted to Executive Officer.


I'm back to 15357.
 
Situation is under control, all units back to original positions. Pull out - section 3 is set up for breakfast.
 
/me takes it as a yes and walks to Nova Prospekt

I WAS GOING TO PROMOTE YOU 15357!!!11one
DAMMIT
 
I never said anything about firing anyone. :)

Just have a little chat with our corporate physician about your current condition. :p
 
All rebel medics, please report to torture chamber 5 for your physical.
 
News Just In: (Disclaimer: Due to constant Rebel Incursions, it is unknown is this incident has been previously reported)
Supreme Commander Zerimski of Division 96-Alpha has left his position. Recuiting for said position is now underway
 
WANTED: watermelon farmer. Benefits: free helmet, health plan and dark corner in case of accidental headcrab attack.
 
Wanted, Anti-Citizen 2
Subject: Garry
Crimes:
Subject is uncontrolable. He has contructed deadly weapons from household items including a toaster, microwave, fridge and watermelons.
Weapons:
Manipulator. He has been able to destroy and entire block with this alone. It uses entanglement to life an object of any size and knot theory to fix it in position permenantly. Many Civil Protection officers have been stuck in ebarasing positions for weeks.
Remover. Perhaps his most scary weapon. It entirely removes the target from existance. Not even blood is left behind.
Trust gun. He has used this launch targets off the ground. 1 officer was located in City 12, but only after a DNA sample could be collected of the floor.
He has also been known to tie up officers, coat them in beer and set them on fire. 1 report says he turned a citizen into stone. If Garry is spotted to not try to aprehend him. Call on your nearest Civil Protection squad.



Strange Man Invades Homes:
A strange man witha beard has reportedly invaded citizens homes and repeatedly shouting E at them. He then threw a television out the window at a Combine patrol bringing a Civil Protection sweep on the building. After questioning had been done it was revealed that the man escaped via the roof. He was not found although the bodies of a number of officers have been found near the vicinity of his last sighting.
 
STATE OF EMERGENCY DECLARED

Administrator Breen has declared a state of emergency and martial law in some 12 Cities, whch really isn't martial law because there is no constitution to uphold rather than the other laws. Therefore, [CENSORED. REASON: PENDING]
 
Oh, no advertisements are fine.

The Daily Citizen is sponsered by our great overlords, the Universal Union!

The Daily Citizen Inc. is a proud sponser of the Vortiguant Revolution.
 
Squad down at intersection 2-by-4, distribute fanta, over: All officers do not attack Vortigaunts, even if attacked; sponsership fallout will occur, repeat.
 
10-10 on last command, all units go into defend mode, only fire when fired upon. 10-12 for more orders.
 
Tragic Vortigaunt death
A tragic event happened when a writer for the Daily Citizen, named Riom Hairy, attacked a Metrocop. He attacked the Metrocop because the Metrocop was keeping a Vortigaunt enslaved. Sir Riom, who we were unable to talk to, apparently yelled 'Vortigaunt Revolution eff tee double u' while attacking. The Metrocop shot at the Vortigaunt after he heard Mr Hairy's warcy


Internal note: must finish writings.
 
Edit:

By 'tragic event', we meant 'well-deserved justice done'.

*looks at combine censor warily*
 
Boogymanx said:
Tragic Vortigaunt death
A tragic event happened when a writer for the Daily Citizen, named Riom Hairy, attacked a Metrocop. He attacked the Metrocop because the Metrocop was keeping a Vortigaunt enslaved. Sir Riom, who we were unable to talk to, apparently yelled 'Vortigaunt Revolution eff tee double u' while attacking. The Metrocop shot at the Vortigaunt after he heard Mr Hairy's warcy


Internal note: must finish writings.
Click to expand...
In unrelated news the non-Vortigaunt HUMAN Rim-Fire has joined the team of Daily Citizen writers. He is NOT a Vortigaunt, esceilay not on the run from Civil Protection.

See, look, he has glasses and a mustache. Vortigaunts don't have glasses or a mustache
rimfire6jn.jpg

<_<
>_>
 
Ah, Mr. Rim-Fire, our last writer was brutally murdered by a group of irrdiated internal memos. Would you still take the job?
 
I regret to announce that










YOU PEOPLE ARE NOT POSTING! THE EDITOR CAN'T POST EVERYTHING! (or at all, due to suckiness)
 
Dr. Breen murdered
Our beloved administrator, Doctor Breen, was murdered while driving past a bookstore. The murderer appeared to be Shens, and his interrogation only got one response. :|
 
State of Emergency! Again!

Everyone should stay indoors. This is not a drill. If you see Shens, please contact your closest CP HQ or the Office of Social Disinfection. And [CENSORED. NO REASON]


All units, report to sector 5. Be advised, shens is on the way.
 
As of midnight saying the word shens will become illegal. As is the following:
Speaking shens
Being shentastic
Being shenscicle
Sounding shens
Wearing a chefs hat(not known as a shens hat)
Saying the words shens hat
Making the following facial expression :|


Sounds like shens to me...
 
Global Lighting Quality INCREASES!
Optomitrists report record-breaking profit

Saturday-039-Galactic Central Time - With the rediscovery of the so called "Lost Coast" came the world-wide impact of HDR lighting, the effects of which have been blamed on the Breen Administration, the illegal possession of Weapons of Mass Lighting by the Rebels, the falling Combine Credit and the Death of World-Renowned metrocop LZ-19498. In these HDR Lighting events, citizens and metrocops alike reported that they were 'going blind' every time they stepped into sunlight, or out of sunlight. These are reportedly isolated incidents however because most people do not have the hardware required to support HDR Lighting, i.e. fuctional eyes. Stalkers are reportedly uneffected.
 
HDR Strikes Again!
Optomitrists are now richer than Dr. Breen!

Saturday-041-Galactic Central Time - Many citizens are reporting a that everything has gotten shinier! This is believed to be the work of HDR although this time it is only afecting those with weeker systems! It is believed to be cause by a virus affecting the eye, causeing it to glaze over, making everything look very shiny. Citizens have been altering their 'shaders' to fix the problem, ie they are wearing sunglasses.
 
Did the Combine control the HDR plague?

It has been found out that several members of the Combine Central Intelligence Agency have invested heavily on OptFor Inc, and The ACME Optmitrists' Corporation right before the plague went into full capacity. A spokescombine said today:

"Shut up! There is NO conspiracy!"

And declined any further comment.

OptFor: +920
ACME OC: +1093
Sunglasses Incorporated: +879
SI Technologies: +43
ACDC: -24
Planetary Domination Co.: -28
PLEO: +9
LOL: -2
LEET: +13
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Similar threads

Krynn72
You guys, what the **** is up.
Replies
11
Views
2K
Tollbooth Willie
Tollbooth Willie
TechnoHippyChic
Star Citizen
Replies
3
Views
1K
Tollbooth Willie
Tollbooth Willie
TechnoHippyChic
If you post it, they will come...
2
Replies
63
Views
7K
TechnoHippyChic
TechnoHippyChic
Tollbooth Willie
To Those That Stand, Those That Fell
Replies
6
Views
2K
Tollbooth Willie
Tollbooth Willie
TechnoHippyChic
The Many Diversions of THC's Work Lunches
Replies
3
Views
2K
TechnoHippyChic
TechnoHippyChic
Back
Top