The Daily Citizen - a many people post newspaper

[XANA]

CP ad

were you picked on in high school? do you want to have fun talking into a radio? do you just plain hate people? well then join civil protection*! be a unit of an orginization that is popularly loved by all citizens forced to. beat people up for no reason. make people clean up your messes of soda cans and much much more!





*attention: civil protection is just a name. civil protection is a term for police officers who are neither civil nor protecting anybody.

 

[delta 43]

combines and CPs found dead in abandoned house

just five days ago the combine found an allegid rebel base and sent in a squad of CPs to dispose of the scum,armed with USP matches,stunsticks,ammo and a spare 9MM pistol,but the combine lost contact with them.four days ago they sent in a scanner and three metrocops and lost contact with them also,and three days ago they setn in a combine elite squad(not white armored) with SMGs.yesterday the best of the best elite squad was sent in,only to find the stair area across the tracks from the base full of some CPs bodies,all still holding their pistols in self defesne.a metrocop joined the squad,sporting a stunstick,SMG,9MM,USP match and a crowbar.after removing the door they found the entire base full of combine,metrocop AND citizen bodies,some still holding weapons,and just today they were rescued by helicopter.our interiew with the squads new leader shows that there is an unidentified danger in city 17.
squad leader:"well,we walked in and saw all these rebels and metros and even our own commandos scattered across the place.there was a surviving soldier under the floorboards,his partner dead,and a metrocop outside shooting a headcrab with only a bit of ammo left."
reporter:"and what happened there?"
squad leader:"we still dont know.we didnt find out what happened,but when i was searching the place,i saw this citizen be pulled under the floorboards,lying down dead of course,headfirst and i didnt see what happened afterwards,and i dont want to know."
reporter:"were there any survivors besides the metrocop and soldier?"
squad leader:"there were a few,perhaps scared to unconsiosuness.we brought em back to medbay and they are being questioned."

if you find any of your friends,family or otherwise dead in their houses or just unconsious,or if if there your friendly civil protection officers and combine soldiers,take a step back and report it to the nearest metrocop.be smart.be safe.be aware.

 

[XANA]

help wanted: barnacle feeding
payment*: $20
details: offer your help and prevent this animal from going extinct
requirements: nasty taste, good reflexes, excellent persuasion skills, depression, good karma, greasy enough to make like jerry simons and slip out the back door








*payment increases by $5 for every day you survive and continue to work

 

[delta 43]

three CPs fall from roof,accident,suicide,or a 'G-mod' incident?

approximately three hours ago,near one of the combine APCs and a squad of three other CPs,three metrocops fell from the roof,one by one,with a large allyway trashcan following each.one survived the roof fall for only a second to find a giant trashcan fall onto him.the metrocop survivors last words were,
"oh sh-..."
the CPs might have fallen off by accident,each trying to save the other form falling during a roof-top patrol,or the cops may have went to the roof and jumped one by one,or the subject 'Garry' may have frozen them in differant positions then dropped them over the ledge and spawned three allyway trashcans above them,to make sure the poor metrocops didnt survive the fall.the subject 'Garry' is now being searched for city-wide.if you see him,you are advised to tell the nearest civil protection squad,and do not and i say again do not confront the suspect.if no metrocops are nearby,consult the nearest combine soldier or anything that could help.be on your guard,as more and more civillians and respected officers are being frozen in differant forms,all leading from city 34 to city 17.be smart.be safe.be aware.



this is the leader of squad 3-79,all squads report the area #46912,subject Garry spotted,engage order 341379, show no mercy

 

[Ackart The Fox]

Horrific New Disease Mutation Found in City 4?

A happy couple, aged twenty nine and thirty one we’re enjoying a peaceful night out on the town in City 4’s bright uptown area. However, disaster quickly struck. While settling down at their favorite eating establishment, a group of highly armed thugs burst into the diner.

“They were screaming illegible things, like “Roffle” and “Hacks” at each other.” Commented one frightened waiter.

“They all seemed to be armed with either sniper rifles or large handguns.” Commented another.

Soon, another group of similar but completely different people broke into the room, using the same sort of weaponry. A fierce battle broke out, which lasted for five minutes. Then, they all seemed to disappear, just to repeat the same thing again.

“It waged on for that for about twenty minutes.” Said one injured person.

Researchers at the Combine Center for Disease Control blame the recent outbreak of W32.GMod9.

“GMod9 is a horrible virus that can infect even the most calm person, turning them into deranged maniacs that most have labeled ‘Mingebags’.” Commented Researcher D. Fitzgerald.

“GMod9 is an especially nasty virus in the way that it can mutate daily thanks to any sort of LUA Radiation. This recent outbreak was obviously caused by LUA-CS radiation in high doses.”

A spokesperson for the CCDC has announced “The best way to prevent infection from W32.GMOD9 is to stay off the internet. The internet is very serious business, with viruses and instructions on how to create nuclear weapons abound. Also, it is a CF Crime to access the internet, punishable by Permanent Off World Relocation. So, stay off the internet.”

Even with these warnings, the infection count of GMod9 continues to rise with no end in sight for those fearing this horrible epidemic.

 

[Ackart The Fox]

EDIT: Oops, double post. Sorry.

 

[15357]

Welcome, Ackart The Fox. Nice article.


-Editor in Chief

 

[Ackart The Fox]

Welcome, Ackart The Fox. Nice article.


-Editor in Chief

Thanks much.

 

[Darkwolf]

Hooray!

DC Brought back from the dead! Again!!!

In a shocking turn of events the acclaimed newspaper the Daily Citizen has been revived from the dead by non-other then a total stanger. It appears this 'Ackart The Fox' has rebuilt the Headquaters, restoring it to its former glory!

Eyewitnesses say they saw this 'Ackart The Fox' rumaging around the rubble of the DC headquaters drawing random bits of paper numbering in the hundreds from the fallen rock. They go on to say that when they woke up the next morning an exact replica of the DC headquaters was standing just across the street from its original location, on the iradiated burial ground of FAX news.

Civil Protection investigated the appearance of this new headquaters and uncovered some shocking anomalies. Piecing together information they found in the DC's old sewer system and a talking toy, they have deduced that the prime suspect for this travesty, some 'Ackart The Fox', raised an army of radioactive mutated internal memo's from the ashes of the original headquaters. As well as braking 206 laws, the two most major being 'Construction without a permit' and 'Living' he has started an epidemic of the potentially fatal W32.GMod9.

-D

____________________________________________________________

Internal Memo:

OUR GLORIOUS LEADER RETURNS FROM HIDING! *prostrates self at 15357's feet

I would just like to point out the improvments Ackart The Fox's army of memo's has made to our building-

1. There is now an ensuite toilet in EVERY room to avoid catastophic bladder faliure or drowning in the case of a total lockdown.

2. The containment doors are no longer made of cheese, chocolate, bread or any other item that is possible to ingest.

3. The Nuclear missle silos are now on the other side of the road at the site of the old HQ, our missle capacity is now 128 and the old silos have been renervated to be blast pits, torture chambers, and a zoo for the kid's

And here are the issuse's still to be resolved-
1. Elite Headcrabs

2. Over Abundance of internal memo's

3. Operating System (Vote Linux)

4. Rampaging scientists

5. W32.GMod9. containment shields

Thank you for your time

(300th post in the DC, feel special)

 

[15357]

Internal Memo:

Send all irridated internal memos to the headcrab nests.

OS will be Microsoft Windows ZP 30000 Evil Editor's Edition. Complete with torture chamber control and 3D surveilance software.

Also, call security, theres a guy with a sniper rifle jumping up and down inside my office.

 

[Darkwolf]

OS will be Microsoft Windows ZP 30000 Evil Editor's Edition. Complete with torture chamber control and 3D surveilance software.

Roger that

*begins installing Microsoft Windows ZP 30000 Evil Editor's Edition on servers

*install finished, would you like to check for updates?

*absent mindedly clicks 'yes'

*SercuriView is available would you like it?

*'Yes'

*video appears on screen.

'Ye Gods' breaths I...

 

[Useful Dave]

Early This Morning we had a report from two CPs, Moving in to Investigate Possible Anti-Citizens Presence at a House on the Outskirts of City 16, We lost Contact with them shortly After.

Heres the Final Reportings from CPs 98654 and 5432

98654- "We've pulled up Outside, Iniciating Inspection.."

5432- "Ok..This is 5432..Moving in.."

98654- "We're in, Entry Via Basement..Movi-OH DEAR GOD!"



-5432 "Ok..We've Enountered One..Dead, Coming up on a....HURGH!"



-98654 "Hawke? , You O-...My....Thats..Not..Right.."

-5432 "I'm...Just..Move on Gunthas..."

-98654 "Roger that , I got a Survivor Here..Citizen?..Wait! Stop!"

-5432 "After Her!"

-Voice "I can't take it anymore.."

-98654 "I've got her , shes-...Dead.."



-5432 "..Thats it..We're getting outta this cellar.."

-98654 "Ok..We're Exiting the Basement.."



-5432 "I Got a Locked Hatch up ahead.. I'm gonna pick it open"

-98654 "Roge-Zombies!"



-5432 "GET UP HERE NOW GUNTHAS!"

-98654 "This is where they were..They've been gone awhile it seems"



-98654 "We're moving down through the house..about a Floor away from the front door, Exiting now.."

-5432 "Okay..Nothing here..Whats the Crackin-"



-5432 "ZOMBIES! *Blam! , Blam Blam!* ..This Place is Infested!, We can't Hold them off much longer!"

-98654 "Command, We're pulling out NOW! Make for the Doorway!"

-5432 "Run! The APCs just there wa-AGH!-DEAR GOD NO-*Static*

-98654 "Hawke No-UGH! No Not Now-AGH!"

That was the last Thing we saw before we lost the Signal..The Sector has been Sealed of for the Safety of Citizens..

Citizens. Remember the Duty those CPs Served. Join Civil Protection to defend their Honor!

 

[ríomhaire]

*INTERNAL MEMO*
Grammar issues are arising within newspaper articles. The incorrect and down right retarded use of apostrophes, among other mistakes, is running rampant. You are ruining the credibility of the paper. We recommend that journalists check their articles in Microsoft Word ZP 30,000 E3 before submission, as well as checking for mistakes such as confusing words like they’re, there and their or your and you’re.

Thank you very much

 

[Jintor]

Biosigns from unit 'Riomhaire' falling; send team 4-5 to sector 12, converge on position; over.

 

[delta 43]

'terrorists' and 'counter-terrorists' teleport into sector 3-19

four hours ago,three CPs were on their daily routine patrol when a teleport opened for a second,allowing several armored and unarmored figures through,carrying antique weapons,such as a 9MM handgun,desert eagle and M-4s.they seemed to be shouting things like "ROFFLE!" or "HACKS!" and shooting at eachother while jumping around like maniacs.they appeared to be what some called 'terrorists' and 'counter-terrorists'.one 'terrorist' shot a desert eagle and nailed a CP in the face.they continued to shout odd things and were left jumping around like maniacs.sector 3-19 has been closed off as more 'terrorists' and 'counter-terrorists' keep appearing and ghostly images of them fly around once ones killed.if you accidently find a way into sector 3-19 report it to yout local CP station and do not enter.you are advised to bring somthing as a sheild if you accidently walk in,thinking you arent in 3-19.but do not bring a barrel,as [CENSORED BY COMBINE;reason: provoking fear of barrels].be careful or you may be shot.be smart.be safe.be aware.


this is unit number 4379872,prepare the headcrab shells,gunships and everything else that can kill those humans,if you can call them that,lockon to sector 3-19,and proceed to bomb the s#!@ out of them

 

[Krabjuice]

CPs Bust Energy Syndicate

As of 5:00 AM today, regional Civilian Protection Forces have conducted a simultaneous raid on five suspected "Free Energy Stations." According to an official spokesman, "[we] want to keep the energy of City 17 free of tainted electrical inputs, as such produced by hydro electric water dams and solar energy collectors." So far, very little information from each of the stations has surfaced, but insiders suspect that several of the pre-war hydro electric dams stationed at points around the west cost of the city have been breached and destroyed. As well, the former solar electric plant stationed at the east of the city is also suspected to be permanently decommissioned. According to witnesses, twelve Vortigaunt anti-citizens were arrested, trailed, and executed in front of a decided jury. There is no word on whether or not Administrator Breen will make an official statement on this situation. For now, it seems that City 17 will once again rely solely on the highly efficient cremation furnaces to provide the electricity necessary for it's citizens.

 

[Krabjuice]

Breen Addresses Freeman Scare

Last night, Administrator Breen made a public statement on channel CT17News addressing the recent sightings of Dr. Gordon Freeman. The partisan leader is notorious for his participation in the Black Mesa incident. As the primary instigator of the catastrophe, Freeman is responsible for the Xenian portal storms and the hundreds of thousands of deaths that had resulted. Dr. Breen's official statement had explained the recent Civilian Protection raids as "the first steps to maintain the safety of City 17." He further stated "every raid has succeeded in providing Civil Protection with the necessary information to track and bring about the inevitable capture of Gordon Freeman. It is only a matter of time before Freeman is either captured or killed." In order to tighten the noose on militant activities, Overwatch Soldiers have taken up strategic positions within the city.

 

[15357]

Welcome! I don't think you've been here before. <3 double article

 

[Krabjuice]

Oh, they'll keep comming.

CPs Capture Freeman

Administrator Breen had made an official statement in response to the attack on Nova Prospekt late last week. "Gordon Freeman and a small force of disorganized rebels had attacked the coastal line surrounding Nova Prospekt." He further confirmed "Gordon Freeman had indeed infiltrated the facility, but was soon apprehended before his escape." On the subject of Eli Vance, the terrorist leader "had been transferred to a high security detainment facility hours before Gordon Freeman had even arrived." So far, Freeman has remained in stasis over the past three days awaiting his trail before a jury.


--My Happy little chronicle of Water Hazard to Anti-Citizen One
I am a lean, sorta mean, propoganda machine.

 

[ríomhaire]

Terrorists Captured
Due to the growing numbers of terrerist attacks, Civil Protection have held a sting operation. In this 'counter-strike' the 'roffle' gang, or clan as they like to be called, were captured, unfortunatly the 'lawl' clan is still at large. 3 page report pages 8-10

 

[15357]

Freeman Confirmed Dead!

Sector 139, C17 - A body of a terrorist was found yesterday, and Civil Protection has confirmed that it was of Freeman's. How they had identified the body, while it had been burnt and decapitated, was not commented on.

This newspaper congratulates the hard-working CPs of Sector 139.

-Continued on pg 3

 

[Krabjuice]

Terrorists Look to False Leader
Disguised Terrorist Mimics Gordon Freeman

Recently, a terrorist has taken on the aspect of the long dead rebel leader Gordon Freeman. Freeman's remains were found shortly after his capture more then a week ago. Since then, activist uprisings have engulfed minor sections of the city. Civil Protection remaines one step ahead of these rebels, and has dealt punishing blows to the terrorist organization. In a last ditch effort to arouse morale and support in the face of inevitable destruction, a Anti-Citizen has likely undergone facial reconstruction to mimic the face of Gordon Freeman. Although uprisings have increased slightly since the imposter's arrival, Civilian Protection has managed to maintain a relatively easy peace.

 

[delta 43]

rampaging citizen

in recent cases,a rampaging citizen holding two desert eagles has killed several soldiers,by shooting them,setting them on fire,blowing them up or somhow attaining a long fishing spear and throwing one through the soldiers.he seems to be wearing a white shirt and blue jeans,with a crazy smile on his face.you know he is coming if you hear somone laughing crazily and a large amount of pistol shots being fired into the air.please carry a shovel at all times and if you get close enough to the rampaging citizen,please swing at his head as hard as you can,then repeatidly hit him in the face.once hes unconsious please contact the nearest CP officer or squad and alert him to the rampaging citizen.also,do not try threats or try to make peace with him,as he will hit you with the back of a pistol.be smart.be safe.be aware.

 

[the_rebel_medic]

Jesus visits City 17 through 23

Today in a totaly random turn of events, the one and only jesus visited Cities on earth. Many citizens were happy by this turn of events.
Even the combine were pleased and were on their knees, happy to see someone else who's been on the cross apart from Gordon in the last 13 years.
Parades were occuring in suprising quantaties, the combine allowed priests to wear traditional dress.

But it was not to last. Just as jesus was about to enter a crowd of people, citizens effected with the mysterious "Gary's Mod" came and used a
crossbow to create dynamite and blew it up yelling, "LOL, j00 g07 P\/\/|\| |) R0fl : )"
Citizens are undoubtedly disturbed by this and the combine are going back to
having to live with the "Gordon on a stick" that citizens are once again worshiping.

Keep watching for more news as it comes

TRM
Still got a glock


Now can i have a cookie?

 

[15357]

Cookie is now being processed by NUPI.

 

[ríomhaire]

in recent cases,a rampaging citizen holding two desert eagles has killed several soldiers,by shooting them,setting them on fire,blowing them up or somhow attaining a long fishing spear and throwing one through the soldiers.he seems to be wearing a white shirt and blue jeans,with a crazy smile on his face.you know he is coming if you hear somone laughing crazily and a large amount of pistol shots being fired into the air.please carry a shovel at all times and if you get close enough to the rampaging citizen,please swing at his head as hard as you can,then repeatidly hit him in the face.once hes unconsious please contact the nearest CP officer or squad and alert him to the rampaging citizen.also,do not try threats or try to make peace with him,as he will hit you with the back of a pistol.be smart.be safe.be aware.

*Memo*
Articles are supposed to be funny and something like what would be in a newspapaer and should NOT Make your eyes bleed from an excess of terrible grammar.

 

[Jintor]

Complete lack of activity in the HL2 Stormwind thread makes news reporter cry! Extra, Extra!

 

[ríomhaire]

Complete lack of activity in the HL2 Stormwind thread makes news reporter cry! Extra, Extra!

Extra, Extra EXTRA! Tissue shortage rampages city!

 

[Boogymanx]

Solitaire on third place!

Thanks to a lot of effort, Solitaire is now the third most played game on XFire for the time being. Take that, WoW! On a side note, we are so kicking WoW's "collective effort" to open up AQ's ass.

 

[the_rebel_medic]

And on the third day he will rise again

Today in a shocking turn of events, both Gordon Freeman and Jesus were revived. When visiting the "techno tomb" (Got a corpse/carcass, keep the stench away with Techno Tomb) Gordon and Jesus were duking it out, apparently now infected with the "Garry's mod" virus.
Shouts of "R0F1, j00 907 P\/\/|\| |) R0F1" and ZOMG, H4X!!11one, H4X, JESUS IS USING HAX" could be heard even before the tomb had been opened. Many bodies were strewn about the stadium known as the techno tomb and blood and guts were every where.

The main confrontation apparently started when Gordon ruined Jesus's pose of alyx playing records so Jesus destroyed Gordon's hanging post. We are shocked that both of these compasionate people have been so badly altered by the virus. The combine rushed the tomb killing both but strangely enough they wouldn't die. They were then heard by witnesses to be saying "Lolz mingebag, we got teh uber godmode setting on, only us can kill each other. PWN THE NPC" to which Gordon replied with "ROFL"

Waves after waves of the brave CP souls charged the gates but were firing with no effect. However the CP's still had a secret weapon. With a downloaded "Server Admin Panel for clients" minimod they were constantly disabling the pairs god mode. One CP fired a dart gun filled with VACine (valve anti cheat vacine) causing hax users and console cheaters to be perma-banned from servers.

Finaly the pair used the console to do godmode and were kick-banned instantly. There were no survivors.

Keep watching the papers
TRM, Medic with a glock...still

what do you think?

 

[IsolatioN]

Scanner races banned
Reported by Way Howard, Febuary 21, 2010

A small underground scanner racing ring was busted late last tuesday night, says leader of Civil Protection Unit 7A35 Alpha. 17 suspects, between the ages of 18 and 27 were apprehended and tooken into custody after the bust. Reportedly, the civilians were capturing scanners, property of Civil Protection. This was in direct violation of Civil Rules and Regulations, sector 7-14, page 942 states the head of the squad.

The stollen goods were returned, with no casualities.

 

[IsolatioN]

Thumper Humper spotted yet again
yesterday morning, 3 civilians reportedly spotted the famed "thumper humper" while travelling by train from City 12 to City 17.
"It was like nothing I had ever seen," stated one shocked civilian, "He just ran right up to the thumpers along the coast and.. well, humped them!"
"My eyes, my eyes!" Repeats one traumatized civilian as he is attended by medical staff. Civil Protection claims they will apprehend the suspect once and for all thanks to a tip provided by a reader.

 

[the_rebel_medic]

Newbie Stuns Population Of Writers

Once again, A newbie, infatuated with pleasing the staff, wrote a pair of articles, stunning the public.
We will attempt to get an interview as soon as possible. In other news randomised
attacks of citizens infected with the "Garry's Mod" Virus have rampaged and killed 203858395 Civil Protections in the last three hours. Keep watching.

TRM
Running low on ammo (stupid GM people)

 

[15357]

203 million in 3 hours?


We have a mistake here.

 

[Darkwolf]

between the ages of 18 and 27 were apprehended and tooken into custody

However if you are going to post the ability to speak english coherantly would be appreciated.

-D

PS. It's 'taken' not 'tooken'

 

[IsolatioN]

Yep. Well, reading over those I realize they do suck, very bad. But in my defense, it was late and I am just bad at writting. Ahh well, guess I'll just stick to reading.

 

[the_rebel_medic]

Writer Makes Stupid Mistake

Today, Writer IsolatioN makes the mistake of a lifetime, quiting his job over one tiny mistake of which this writer made many (just check my early posts kid )
In other news, many billion, thats right, billion people were killed in the last 48 hours. Keep reading

TRM
outta ammo

(ps. Nega boss man, those figures are confirmed :|)

 

[Darkwolf]

HE'S OUT OF AMMO! TAKE HIM!!!!

*DC headquaters hit by nuke and TRM buried under piles of mutated internal memos, drawing his last breath he exclaims, 'Poo.' Then expires

HAHAHAHAHAHA I GOT HIM AFTER 50 PAGES!!!!!

 

[15357]

/lockdown

Input code 1

/199302300ep30
...
...
...

Input code 2

/0390004999000e000
...
...
...

All security blast doors locked. Shutting down core system and life support systems.

 

[Jintor]

/remove AI 15357 ethical restraints.

...searching...

ethical restraints not found.

/enable life-support to sub-sector J1n70r

...re-enabling...

life-support systems not found.

/self destruct newstower

input password: *********
password accepted.

Have a nice day.

/activate DCchatroom
*Jintor logs in*
Jintor: Ah, the good old days of inter-newspaper warfare.