Your funniest sex moment

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Tyguy said:
Taxman has incest stories, im GAME
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CyberPitz said:
Already heard it, your sister wouldn't shut up about it last night!

Ok, lets hear it taxy ;)
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Krynn72 said:
DO WANT
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Alright, here it is:
So, me and some friends went to this pub where we got really, really shitfaced. Then we went out on the streets, barely being able to walk and just strolling in a random direction (I also bought hashish from a weird fellow, but it turned out to be plasticine). Anyway, our road lead us to a strip club. We sat down, but I couldn't enjoy the show as my sight was all blurry. Anyway, three minutes in, a friend and I threw up at exactly the same time all over the table. The stripper then bend over to the table to ask if we wanted a private show. The stench of the vomits then reached her, and she almost threw up herself. Then we ran away as fast as we could (which wasn't fast considering the state we were in). It's amazing they didn't catch up with us. I threw up some more when we got back to the hotel, and when I woke up in the morning a friend had puked all over my clothes.

THE END
 
Hahaha, LOL@Taxman ^ XD

CyberPitz said:
At this age, most girls aren't into the dating thing, or if they are, they won't mind some sex on the side....so it's not so hard now as it was.
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WTF, we're living on the same planet? I've got it the other way around here. :p
 
Here's a story for ya'll.

It was around Christmas time in 2001 and my girlfriend-at-the-time and I had been dating for a while. We were over at her house and she had family and relatives over. They were all downstairs, the parents were preparing dinner and the children were either watching TV or playing games. Her room was upstairs and her dad had a rule that if I was over and we were in her room she wasn't allowed to have the door shut. So, following the rule we kept it cracked, but only a tiny bit.

We were just sitting in her room talking and flirting around a little, then it started getting serious. We started making out, my hand up her shirt... you know all the good stuff. She was rubbing on my crotch then she got down on her knees and started to unbutton my pants. She was playing around with me a bit and looking up at me, I could feel her breath on my skin. I was thinking, "This can't be a good idea. Her family is all over the house and the door is cracked!", but I let my pen0r get the best of me. She had my junk in her hands and she looked up at me and said, "No thanks, I had Reese's for breakfast!"

I replied, "You had candy for breakfast?"

And she says, "Not candy! Reese's Peanut Butter Puffs!"

And she sliiiiiiiiiiiides me a bowl. I crunch into it and WHAM! my mouth goes crazy! The smooooooooth combo of peanut butter and chocolate-y taste swarming in milk, attacking my taste buds!

Then her dad pops in and says, "And it's part of a complete breakfast!"

Reese's Peanut Butter Puffs, it's candy... FOR BREAKFAST!
 
I has another story.

It was around Christmas time in 2001 and pressure and his girlfriend-at-the-time had been dating for a while. they were over at her house and she had family and relatives over. They were all downstairs, the parents were preparing dinner and the children were either watching TV or playing games and I was hiding in her closet. Her room was upstairs and her dad had a rule that if pressure was over and they were in her room she wasn't allowed to have the door shut. So, following the rule they kept it cracked, but only a tiny bit.

they were just sitting in her room talking and flirting around a little, then it started getting serious. they started making out, his hand went up her shirt and my hand went down my pants... you know all the good stuff. She was rubbing on his crotch then she got down on her knees and started to unbutton his pants. She was playing around with him a bit and looking up at him, I bet he could feel her breath on his skin. I was thinking, "This can't be a good idea. Her family is all over the house and the door is cracked!", but I let my pen0r get the best of me and continued stroking. She had his junk in her hands and she looked up at him and said, "No thanks, I had Reese's for breakfast!"

he replied, "You had candy for breakfast?"

And she says, "Not candy! Reese's Peanut Butter Puffs!"

And she sliiiiiiiiiiiides him a bowl. he crunchs into it and WHAM! his mouth goes crazy! The smooooooooth combo of peanut butter and chocolate-y taste swarming in milk, attacking his taste buds!

Then her dad pops in and says, "And it's part of a complete breakfast!"

Reese's Peanut Butter Puffs, it's candy... FOR BREAKFAST!

then I busted through her closet door holding a pitcher of kool-aid and shouted "OOOH YEAAAH!"
 
^
i_see_what_you_did_there.jpg
 
haha nice one pressure.
also i was pointing at SEA not you.
 
Unfocused said:
Hahaha, LOL@Taxman ^ XD



WTF, we're living on the same planet? I've got it the other way around here. :p
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Haha, I guess I just don't see? I don't know of many girls my age that would turn down sex if it was just for a one night thing. Unless they have those things they call "morals" Pfft.
 
I thought Kamikazi's response was entirely appropriate and most skillful.
 
Pulse said:
Oh god I can see forever.
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How horrible. The world - nay, the universe in its entirety; the valiant deaths, ignoble suicides, unwarranted murders, unrestrained tyrants, warring nations, developing technologies, expanding conflicts and all those pointless bits of trivia in HELLO magazine condensed into a beam of light entering your iris. But it doesn't end there; the earth is but a mote and there is so much else, so many twisting galaxies and swivelling solar systems entangled in a vibrant, endless dance, and you can see everything, each atom speaks to you, every speck of the universe screams at you and you see and hear it all and it hurts you and you can't possibly fathom it all but it's there.

But you're just sitting at your computer.

And your mouth is hanging open.

And you're staring into nothing.
 
Sui said:
How horrible. The world - nay, the universe in its entirety; the valiant deaths, ignoble suicides, unwarranted murders, unrestrained tyrants, warring nations, developing technologies, expanding conflicts and all those pointless bits of trivia in HELLO magazine condensed into a beam of light entering your iris. But it doesn't end there; the earth is but a mote and there is so much else, so many twisting galaxies and swivelling solar systems entangled in a vibrant, endless dance, and you can see everything, each atom speaks to you, every speck of the universe screams at you and you see and hear it all and it hurts you and you can't possibly fathom it all but it's there.

But you're just sitting at your computer.

And your mouth is hanging open.

And you're staring into nothing.
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And then I put my cock in your mouth.
 
CyberPitz said:
Haha, I guess I just don't see? I don't know of many girls my age that would turn down sex if it was just for a one night thing. Unless they have those things they call "morals" Pfft.
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Well I live in conservative-ville, US right now. A girl that goes for a one night thing is hard to come by at least in the circles I hang out in.

Anyways, I have a mini story:

I was at a party with some old friends from high school + some other people. One of my friends had sex with another friend's cousin in one of the bedrooms and got walked in on by about a dozen people. Pictures were taken with him giving thumbs up.

I was exhausted from not getting much sleep the night before, so I fall asleep somewhat early sprawled on the floor. I wake up extremely groggy and unaware of the situation. My left arm is asleep and my hand is hurting with a pulsing pain. I go to move my arm and wake it up...but I can't. Something is pinning my arm down. I look to my left. Not quite sure of what I'm seeing and hearing...I blink a few times to clear my bleary vision.

That same friend is having sex with some mysterious black chick that I hadn't met...ON MY HAND. My hand is under the blanket I had used as a pillow which is under her back (right under her shoulder blade which is why it hurt). I yank my arm out with some force, turn over, go back to sleep. They continue as if it never happened and as if I wasn't 1' away from them.
 
^LMAO :LOL:

hl2.net is the only place where you can find stuff life this
 
Damn Amish! That's skill! I hate getting wasted, and waking up to a fat chick and a guy getting it on and they fell asleep half-way, and you wake up and see it, and just gag.
 
Que-Ever said:
We were doing it doggy style, then I pulled out and spit on her back to meke her think I had cum. When she turned around, I cockslapped her in the eye. Man, I was cracking up.
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ahhh yes the angry dragon
love that one
:LOL:
 
that one time when i tried to find that scene from the 40 year old virgin when he is making up a sex story on youtube to post it here but couldn't find it. Yeah that was wild.
 
mastag said:
that one time when i tried to find that scene from the 40 year old virgin when he is making up a sex story on youtube to post it here but couldn't find it. Yeah that was wild.
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"When you grab her breast... and it feels like a bag of sand" :LOL:
 
I once did it with this .. girl and..
oh wait .. i didn't - god dammit being a virgin is the SUX!
 
WacK said:
I once did it with this .. girl and..
oh wait .. i didn't - god dammit being a virgin is the SUX!
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it was a pillow wasnt it?

ya so i went to the store to buy some condoms and i said keep the change to the lady at the counter. She said "WOOO" and a second later as i walked out she said "have fun". i cracked up so hard walking back to the car.
 
Alright, well, since my girlfriend despises video games, I'm damn sure she'll never find this, all hell would break loose. Nobodies lying when they say make-up sex is the best. LIVING ****ING PROOF. What better way to make up for a wrong doing by sticking your penis in her stomach? It was getting damn good when pigs flew and she suggested anal. Been persuading her for that for a gooood while, with a usual hell no. Me being all sex nuts and retard strong jammed it in over the speed limit, she instantly screamed and flew even faster face-first into the wall two feet away. My first reaction was of course, since I'm such an "asshole?", to laugh as hard as I could. Before I could though, as if on que, my mom knocks at my door. My girlfriend, holding her face, jumps up butt ass naked whispering "what the **** do i do???? what do i do?? DEREK, come on, what do i do?" I was too busy trying to hold back laughing and getting my own clothes on as fast as I could. I threw 3 blankets on her, and somehow she still doesn't cover up all the way. This was taking a ridiculously long time, with my mom knocking and me going "Hold on.....hold on......one more second.....hold on". I finally open the door sweaty as hell and red faced with an obviously naked girl on the bed (she wrapped the covers UNDER her shoulders, made no sense) and of all things for my mom to do at that moment, she handed me cookies.



I sat down laughing and ate them all
 
That block of text is quite literally painful to the eyes.
 
Yes but it was kinda funny. Personally I wouldnt laugh at my girlfriend if she smacked a wall like that (spur of the moment thing I guess), but that was funny how your mom just stopped, gave you cookies and left.
 
Me and a girl are getting ready to get it on, and I go through one condom, and go to get another about 30 minutes later, and I realize I'm out! So in a weird desperation run, we through on the least of clothes we can get away with, and go down to the closest gas station to pick up some over priced condoms. Oddly, I didn't believe it, but they had some. So we walk up to the counter, and the guy just stares us down. I can't quite place it, until I realized I had a raging hard-on. And since I was wearing some of them crappy pajama pants, it was just stickin' right out there. I, embarassed as ****, pay him, and he gives me a nod and wink, and I GTFO asap...guy gave me the creeps.
 
This thread is made entirely of D: in the awesomest manner imaginable
 
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