Strife Lately - II

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Downloading new drivers for L4D demo, I haven't hyped this game AT ALL, and haven't seen a single screenshot/video of it, so I don't know what to expect (I've seen 1 video on X-Play).

****ing nVidia, downloading drivers at 20kb/s.. ****ing 87 MB.. Another 30 minutes... gaw.
 
Played a round of TF2 where there were around 6-8 snipers on my team (Including me) and we were smg rushing. Really really fun.
(also i started the smg rush thing :D )
 
I started using the chat yesterday. It was... Fun?
 
just did my A - Level Papers..

Everything was going well, possibly meaning I could get A's and B's more most of my papers, until i did the maths paper.

I totally got ****ed by it. :( I don't even think I can get a C. Stupid maths.
 
I am a mole.

The things which I held on to for final support slip away.

I'd hate to be alone, finally. It is what must be done. For the good of other people.

The future looks so open. Too open. Where is the ground?

I am a mole.
 
... sticking his head above the surface of the earth.
 
I was driving into town yesterday and passed a street sign that read "Samoan Assembly of God." For a split second I saw "Samon Assembly of God."

D:
 
What does people think my avatar? Think I should get another stripper/hot chick avatar or leave dis?
 
Shamrock said:
Is that even a question?

70x70 hot chick ftw.
Click to expand...

You sure?






hot_chick.jpg
 
Holy mother of **** we suddenly have big avatars!
 
Indeed. Also, grabbed some big ass pickles from the fridge at school with the girl (holy shit I love pickles Jesus Christ), chugged two of them, I'm feeling the effects now. Holy shit I can't feel my ass anymore. Piss.
 
Gah. Pickles are gross.

About a 50% chance I'll see her tomorrow. I'm nervous D:
 
Im seeing her tonight.

I dont talk to her anymore though.

Well, L4D with Jinny and Bigburpco (Old Member) and we sucked. L4D with Hool, Taviow and Acepilot and we are pwn. L4D ftw
 
I'd advise Shamrock (aka toaster) to have a border.
 
Two uni exams to go! Got a weekend away planned with the boys soon, which will be a nice catch-up time.



Did a pretty good "**** you" to the ex today...made me feel a shit load better.
 
I will continue my randomness.

My hopes for Christine have mostly died. She can only be a friend. About halfway through the third date, a couple days ago, I realized that she only liked hanging out with me and does not want to be my girlfriend. I obviously did not raise this issue at the time, but later I was freaking out because of the reality of the situation: she actually doesn't like me. I texted her about something random - no response. When people don't respond to me immediately, I get neurotic. It was all over, I thought. I wanted to hurt myself. I failed at something important because I really liked her. Sure, she's not too bright, but she's a really great person nonetheless. She's fun to be around and really cute. She's always so happy and upbeat with me. I confirmed that she doesn't like me with a text message.

I made the huge mistake of telling her I like her a lot - this is before I realized she could be the gateway to more girls. I swore at myself but managed to salvage the friendship, fortunately. She's a freshman and knows other freshman girls. Freshmen are great because they haven't been settled into social circles yet, and are able to make new friends. Most people in Massachusetts are unable to make new friends, because people in Massachusetts suck. They're all part of tight knit social groups that are closed to the world. Christine is from New Jersey. I invited her to things and I'm not sure if she wants to go. But she probably will. She said she has a lot of work.

I spent almost all of today on my computer and phone talking to girls, negotiating with girls. Abby texted me early in the morning, like she always does. I didn't feel like responding right away. She really pushes my text messaging to the limit - my mother got angry because I went way over 1500 messages for this month already. It's expensive. Still I couldn't resist so I kept messaging her back. I negotiated with Abby to get her to play "truth or dare" with me on cam tonight (her invention), which basically means stripping on cam. I did it once before with her, but she then had a string of short relationships that prevented her from doing so again, even though she flirted with me continually in the meantime. She is 16, about as cute as can be, and all she can think about is sexual things. She seems awkward too.

She has serious mental issues involving depression and suicide. She told me she loves me, and of course I told her this back, but she is just insane. She wanted me to meet her this weekend to hook up, but when I said yes, she changed her mind and invited her friend. This is ok because her friend is totally adorable too, perhaps even hotter, although very innocent. On stickam.com they go on camera and get hundreds of viewers at any minute because they are total cam whores, although Abby is much worse. They're kids who toy with the minds of men. Abby is the daughter of a divorced lawyer who tries to keep her out of harms way, but Abby lost her virginity anyways, 2 or 3 weeks ago. It sort of devastated her and now it seems she wants to have more sex to lessen the impact of that one time. Specifically she wants to have sex with me. We actually relate with eachother quite well, except for the fact that she's insane.

So the deal was this: she plays truth or dare with me on cam, and I bring her vodka this weekend and meet her and her friend. However this deal broke down because she went to the orthodontist's office, and sitting around greatly tired her out. So instead she went to sleep. The deal totally broke down. I told her she's not dependable, and how could I drive 2 hours to meet her if so? Obviously she's not dependable, anyways, because she's a deranged 16 year old girl. Still meeting her would be more interesting than sitting at my computer. The chances of running into the law are negligible, especially since I told her I don't want to hook up. Her friend is there anyways. And I have her on facebook. And I've talked to her friends. Even with my deep paranoia about all people I talk to, I am able to conclude that she's sincere in her intentions with me.

I was kind of depressed after this. All hopes of being with Christine were gone. Nothing can be done with Abby, temporarily. I didn't even want to work out today. I took a nap. My friend IMed me about something, I think politics or puppy cams, and I fell out of my bed. Then I ignored her and fell back asleep. Then I woke up and got back to her.

Later at night I made dinner, rice and beans with spicy garlic sauce, and then started reaching out to more girls. I didn't do the dishes because too much stuff was going on.

I messaged a girl I haven't talked to in a month - an online girl I met when I was 15. Back then we had an online relationship until my mother broke it off. It was back when I was innocent and had never touched a girl. Since then she has always been sort of obsessed with me. She thinks I am perfect, though we've never met. Anyways, back to the present.

Even though I haven't talked to her in a month, I asked if I could spend a month with her this winter in her apartment. She is 21 and living alone in Buffalo, working a full time job, and making about $35k per year. She is decent looking, especially since she lost weight. She agreed that I could visit her with a month. I negotiated further and I can sleep with her in her bed and cuddle. I wonder if I will actually go through with this. I am not a flake, so I probably will. I haven't told anybody else yet, especially because she has dark skin, and everyone I know is racist to varying degrees. As a side note she is extremely intelligent and manipulative. She likes to control things.

Sleeping with her is perhaps reason enough to go, but there are other factors as well. There's another online girl who I met on SpeedDate on Facebook and who lives in Rochester. Rochester is directly on the way to Buffalo along I-90. Buffalo is 6 hours and Rochester is 5 hours. This girl is Asian, in perfect shape (a size 0), and is a very sweet girl who studies hard. She doesn't have a model face but she's still cute. She's very mature as well, much more mature than myself. It's different talking to her because it's like talking to an adult. She's fun and playful though, don't get me wrong. Anyways I planned with her to spend a few nights in her apartment. I negotiated further and I can sleep in her bed. After I visit her I will visit the Buffalo girl, although obviously they don't know about each other. My cousin lives in Buffalo too with her boyfriend, and as a bonus I can visit her.

Feeling a bit more confident, I then messaged an OkCupid girl who I started talking to a couple days ago. I was animated in this conversation and managed to get a lunch date with her this Saturday, 5 minutes away in Amherst. This girl is really hot and is in good shape and is 18+. I am very hopeful about this girl. I also invited her to a party I might be hosting this weekend, but she said she's shy at parties. I also invited Christine to this party, of course, but not sure if she will come. I will also invite the Mt. Holyoke girls that I have no chance with. Still perhaps Christine could bring friends who will get very drunk and fall asleep in my bed. The party idea is still up in the air, however. Maybe I'll just go home after my lunch date and make out with Allie. I have lots of homework to do though so I doubt it. Or perhaps I could visit Abby, if she convinces me to, and dodge police that hopefully won't be there. Or perhaps I could sit in my room and stare at my computer, dreaming of possibilities with girls. This is what I usually do anyways. How much of this is in my head, and how much will happen? It can't all happen, because I can't be everywhere at once. Maybe I am a flake.

Again I wonder if this randomness is of any interest to people other than myself. I should probably spend more time focusing on homework and less time on girls. However, I have always been one to obsess. Associating with girls gives me the confidence I need to further associate with girls. I don't even like younger girls but they are practice for older girls, who I can have public relationships with. I don't care about hooking up. I don't even want to really. I just want to live.
 
I fucked up. I fucked up real bad this time.

I had a chance to get a book I've been after for years, and I missed out. I missed out because I fell asleep. That's what it boils down to, but it's not quite that simple. See, I'd been watching the auction for several days, and closing time was at 9:10pm last night. Since I'm a night owl I ended up staying up all through Tuesday until Wednesday. There was maybe an hour and change left, and I got a call from my uncle asking me about computer problems.

The problem with staying awake too long? Your mind only has enough room for one thing at a time. My mind was on the auction. Once my thoughts shifted to computer stuff, and after that was solved talking about family stuff, I completely forgot about the auction. And after I got off the phone, I was so tired I literally blacked out for a second as I was putting the phone down on the counter. All thoughts of the auction gone from my head, I remember thinking about some stupid family drama that was talked about, laying down on the couch, and dozing off so I didn't conk out standing up.

And then I woke up at 2am, realized what I'd done, and nearly cried. I've been after this book for so goddamned long that the hunt for it is wearing thin. And it's not like some book you can just walk into Barnes and Nobles and ask, "Can I order this, please?" No, this book is rare and out of print, and wouldn't have been sold at a Barnes and Nobles anyway. There are few specialty booksellers anywhere that would've had this one. I don't know when I'll see it again. I'm on the last bit of savings I had from my old job, barely getting by, even having to cut back on food, and I was prepared to spend a hefty chunk of it on this book. The last of my money, because it's THAT important to me. It's one of three pieces that would complete my book collection. I even own its pair, which I bought not because I wanted that one, but as a substitute for this one.

And I missed out, because I fucking fell asleep.

Y'know, a lot of people want to own things that will never run out, things you can always go to the store and pick up. The things I buy, once they're gone, they're gone. Being a collector of rare and valuable items is a double-edged sword. And this shit always happens to me. And no matter how big my collection gets there are always going to be these pieces I want and when they slip through my fingers because of bullshit like this I just...

I just got back home, because after I got up and realized what happened I spent the last five hours walking around aimlessly with headphones on, trying to drown out what I just did, walking around in the cold and fog until the sun came up.

I'm in such a mood I think I might cancel all my plans for hanging out with friends and family in the next two months. I don't feel like seeing anybody or attempting to have a good time.
 
I'm having internet troubles. Srs ones. It blows. BT make me so mad, I'm glad they're firing shit loads of people.
 
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